The following is part three of a six part guest series from Alicia Sounier Dwivedi, a former United Pentecostal Church member. See Part 1 and Part 2.
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After leaving Bible College I still attended our United Pentecostal church for a good many years, and stayed faithful despite my lack of understanding. I was still just hoping when I died I would squeak into Heaven somehow. Looking back, I can see I was like a whipped puppy with its tail between its legs, hoping my master would be happy to see me instead of throwing me into a lake of tormenting fire for all of eternity.
Side-note…I’ve become an annihilationist, which believes a soul is not tormented in Hell for eternity. We believe the mortal body will die a second death in Hell after being judged for sin, and then that person will be dead for all of eternity. After all, Jesus said there would be a second death in Hell, and not a second life suffering for all of eternity. Here’s a link to this beautiful truth that our Lord is not a tormentor just because people reject him…scripture after scripture after scripture pointing out this very fact.
During my late 20’s my mom and I moved away from our church in Augusta to live in Northern Maine. Up north we attended a very small Pentecostal home church during our couple of years there. It was during this time I realized something about myself – I was really good at taking notes during services (writing down verses mentioned and small phrases to remind myself what was said about that verse). What I wasn’t good at was studying subjects out thoroughly. I wanted to make a change.
At some point the UPC had made and handed out to their people a laminated pamphlet that stated at the top of it, “I’m Pentecostal because”… Then below was listed phrases like, “I don’t wear pants because,” and the scripture locations for this subject. “I don’t wear jewelry because,” and then associated scriptures with jewelry. The list went on and on to cover two sides, but the interesting part is it started with what women were to do and not do.
As I determined to sit down and study out a subject I became confused with the very first scripture reference about why a woman wasn’t allowed to wear jewelry. Not only was a phrase lifted out of the verse, but other phrases were completely ignored! If this verse was to be taken at face value, then not only was jewelry not to be worn, but in addition to jewelry then neither was the color red to be worn, taking a bath, wearing fine leather sandals, doing your hair, and the list goes on and on. I WAS SHOCKED.
So I moved on to the next subject – why a woman shouldn’t dye her hair. Answer = one cannot make their hair black or white. WHAT?!?! This was the only verse on why we shouldn’t dye our hair? Well, neither can I make myself short or tall, but I wear heals. Neither can I make my hair curly or straight, but I sure do perm my hair and then straighten it with a straight iron sometimes. I couldn’t believe what I was actually reading. The UPC’s own pamphlet was the beginning of the end for UPC life for me. The scriptures themselves began to move me away from what I’d always been taught…BUT STILL I HAD AN ISSUE WITH TONGUES.
In my early 30’s I moved away from Maine to Michigan to marry the love of my life. When I moved here I found a UPC church to attend sometimes. The people there were (and are) very kind and loving. However, I felt I would never fit into a UPC crowd anymore. Because my standards were changing, I didn’t ‘look’ the part. I would never be asked to be used in any type of ministry because I didn’t ‘look’ the part. I was actually very grieved in my heart because I didn’t know what I was anymore. I couldn’t call myself Pentecostal as I no longer ‘looked’ the part. How many times do I have to say this? It didn’t matter that I held to all other beliefs. My outside standards weren’t up to par, so I would never truly fit in no matter how much I tried.
Once I had my own child I knew I didn’t want her growing up in a place where she would not fit in. I wanted to find an alternate church, but literally had no clue where to go. I WAS SCARED. I was afraid of being misled. I was afraid of false doctrine. I was afraid of finding a church where I ‘looked’ like I fit in, but it would be a ‘dead/dry’ church. So for many years I went nowhere, all the while still grieved in my heart that I would probably not make it to Heaven when I died.
The UPC does a fantastic job of circling the wagons around its own, giving them a false sense of security in their ‘full revelations’ of ‘no-error’ doctrine. No one has the full truth except them, which makes literally everybody else spiritually dangerous to the ‘real’ saints. Once a person leaves the UPC they don’t know who to trust. At times I truly felt I needed therapy because I would have such tormenting thoughts rolling around in my mind, yet I didn’t know who to go to for help.
I didn’t think anyone would truly understand me if they didn’t have some sort of UPC background. So I didn’t end up going to anyone with my troubles. Now I know of many others who are so traumatized by their experiences in the UPC that they have to take anti-anxiety meds before services just to be able to get through them. Others I know of for sure have had to go to therapy due to their Pentecostal church experiences. Why is this? Does this sound like overcoming lives? Why all of this mental hardship? Answer = legalism vs faith. When you are taught you have to constantly earn your salvation in a variety of ways, it becomes horrifically burdensome when you feel like you cannot measure up.
At 41 years old I remember time and again holding my little baby girl and feeling such love for her overwhelm me. Tears would roll down my cheeks just looking at her, and I wanted to give her every good and wonderful gift in life. In fact, when she was three months old, I was holding her and bawling my eyes out. When my mom saw my face, she asked me what in the world I was crying about so badly. No joke, I was having ’empty-nest’ syndrome. I couldn’t stop crying because my little girl was growing up too fast, and would leave me in about 18 years!
This would oftentimes bring my thoughts back to God who was supposed to love me even more than my all-consuming love for my daughter. How could he withhold a precious gift from me that he said he’d freely give? Why would he make me beg? Was there something so wrong with me that he wouldn’t accept me? What did I need to do in life to make him love me enough to give me the Holy Ghost? I’d dedicated years of my life to God, and the only other thing I could have done to show my sincerity was to probably become a nun…I was literally clueless.
So for many more years I didn’t know what to do in aspect of understanding God any better. To me he was confusing and his word was confusing. I don’t know how I loved him with my whole heart for so many years, yet was so terrified of him at the same time. In all these years I never walked away from him though. I just sat and did nothing, waiting for some relief in my soul.
When I was 44 I finally did something I had been scared to do for years – I went to a non-denominational church in my local area. I’d been debating it for months, but was scared to take that first step. Being so hyper vigilant against anything that wasn’t UPC had really done a good job of making other churches seem lost and not of God. I remember various quotes like, “they can be sincere, but sincerely wrong,” and “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” being said of other Christians. You see I was taught the UPC only had FULL truth. Other churches may have partial truth, but it’s not full truth. Therefore you can never go backwards to other churches because then you will be backslidden. What does backslidden really mean? It’s not what we were taught in the UPC, and it’s definitely not meant to be applied to someone who walks away from the UPC or any other denomination. If you’d like to know more, click on this link.
So one Sunday morning here I am sitting towards the back of this large church. Full of both suspicion and hope, I watched people mingling while waiting for the service to start. I was on high alert! The song service starts, and within moments I feel my familiar friend, Jesus, touch my heart. Tears begin coursing down my cheeks as I realize he’s in this church too, and these people aren’t ‘dangerous’. They want to be closer to God too – just like me.
This church wasn’t as demonstrative as a Pentecostal church is, but that was OK. I didn’t need whooping and hollering to feel like God was in the midst of the people. At one point during the song service a lady started giving a message in tongues, and boy was I amazed. Gifts of the Spirit were here too! Then the interpretation came, and it was at this very point in my life God began opening my heart to HIS truth. I will describe to the best of my ability what I remember from the interpretation of tongues. It was very powerful and moving. God’s message was this; “YOU ARE MY CHILD, AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY CHILD. THE DEVIL HAS TRIED TO DECEIVE YOU AND TAKE YOU FROM MY HAND, BUT YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN HEAVEN, YOU WILL BE BY MY SIDE FOREVER.”
There was more to it than this as the lady interpreted for probably a minute, but I cannot remember exact details. The interpretation was so emphatic and full of authority. I felt God was speaking directly to me and addressing the doubts I’d had about him and salvation literally all of my life. However, a little seed of doubt began to sprout up…”what if this message wasn’t for me, but for someone else here?” Then the pastor got up and explained to the congregation what the gift of tongues and interpretation were, and why they had taken place. You see – this didn’t happen SO OFTEN at this church. The pastor had to explain it!
This confirmed this message indeed was from God to me on my very first visit at this church. God knew I needed something from him, and he gave it to me…HE GAVE IT TO ME! I still didn’t understand why I didn’t speak in tongues, but knew from that point on I didn’t have to fear going to hell anymore because I wasn’t able to ‘perform’ in tongues.
At 45 years old I began to be set-free from a mindset of fear. An unexpected variety of people were about to enter my life who would make the word of God plain. I am completely changed, and my life will never be the same! As I gradually began to understand from all of my studying, the beautiful peace of God began to wrap itself around my bruised heart and mind. My idea of who God was, and how he’d been dealing harshly with me began to change as I saw he was more loving and kind than I had been led to believe.
Legalism and erroneous doctrine had made his nature very harsh. This is now not the God I know and love with my whole heart. I’ve gone from confusion while reading my Bible to not being able to have enough study time. Now this doesn’t mean I don’t run into confusing things. I enjoy listening to teachings on a variety of subjects, and have found AMAZING people who rightly divide the word of truth. You know what’s become really fun? DEBATES! You want a fully rounded view on a subject? Listen to a debate, and then make up your own mind. You don’t have to be forced to agree with anybody or believe EVERYTHING they teach. God lets us make up our own minds on a large variety of issues, and his Spirit convicts and teaches us where needed.
NOW I feel God’s yoke is easy and burden light. NOW I can go to him without feeling like a whipped puppy. NOW I know I am a beloved child of God. NOW I don’t fear hell in the least. In fact (this may sound a little weird) I get excited tingles from time to time thinking that when I die I will get to see my Jesus face to face with no fear. No more squeaking into Heaven for me!
You know what else is easy? Speaking to others of the hope that is in me. I no longer feel inadequate. If God can do this for me, then he can do it for you too.
Deanna Jo of Responsible Faith interviews Alicia:
See Part 4.
