Last month my oldest sister passed away after a battle with cancer. I was reminded of a letter I’d written to two ladies in 1990, who at the time had recently lost their mother. It was just four years after my mother had died after a battle with cancer.
I am going to share an edited version of the letter I wrote, hoping that it might help someone else who has lost their mother or another loved one. While this doesn’t pertain to spiritual abuse, nor is it the same, there are some similarities in what many of us went through when we left our former churches. There is grief that one wrestles with, people around you who don’t understand what you are going through, a sense of loss and encountering the ‘what if’ thoughts. May these words help others who are grieving a loss.
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I wanted to share some things with you that may help you in the future. Because I lost my mom four years ago when I was 28, going on 29, I can very much feel for all of you and what you have been going through.
My purpose is to share some things that I have gone through that may be of help or maybe it will just be helpful to know that some feelings, etc. that you have are ‘normal,’ though others may not think so or understand. I don’t care what anyone says, until you have lost your own mother, nobody knows what it is like, nor what a person goes through. Since it has happened to me, I hope to be able to help you through this difficult time, be it in even a very small way.
One thing you find is that world does not come to a halt because of your grief and loss. Everything goes on as normal, as if nothing happened when you feel it should be different. Some people appear insensitive. If they do, it could be that they are that way, but it could also be that they do not know how to be with you… whether it is okay to talk or not, they may be afraid they’ll upset you. So instead of reaching out much or at least doing something, they do nothing. That does not mean all those that react that way are cold and insensitive. You’ll have times that you want to pour your heart out to someone, then there will be times you don’t want to talk about it. It’s normal.
You may well have ‘flashbacks’… times you’ll remember of your mom being ill or concerning her death. This is also normal. You may have them for some time to come. After four years, I still go through this at times, though it’s less now. There are times when I’ll reminisce and have a hard time emotionally, especially the times when I start missing my mom….certain times you’d always share, etc. My mom was always a good person to talk to about things and sort things through. Many times I’ve wished she were here to talk to or to share with. This is normal, expect it. You’re not going crazy! To never think about these things would be abnormal. I used to dream a lot of my mom, yet she’d always be sick and/or dying in the dreams. I never liked that. But my mom was sick for over two years before she died and I guess that’s all my mind could remember, so that’s what I would dream about. Now the dreams are much less frequent.
Birthdays and holidays…you’re probably going to find that these will be hard and you may react as I did and just want to treat them as ‘normal’ days and not make a fuss over them. In fact, any occasion that you’d normally spend with your mother will be difficult. It’s just not the same without her. My birthday came the day after we buried my mom. That was awful. The family had partly forgotten about it and I sure didn’t feel like celebrating. I tried to act like it was fine, but it wasn’t. I’ve never wanted to make a big deal of my birthday ever since, though a couple years ago I did have a nice birthday when my dad came up and brought me a cake and took me out to dinner. It was totally unexpected. But I’d still pretty much rather treat my birthday as a regular day. That may be wrong on my part after four years, but that is how I feel. It’s just hard. I always remember that mom died and was buried right before my birthday and I can’t get away from that.
And holidays, etc. are a tough time, so know that this is also normal as well. With us, the only ones we ever made a big deal of were Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas was always my favorite time of year and I guess it still is but to a lesser extent. I found myself not wanting to really celebrate as before. I would’ve been happy if I could’ve gotten by acting like they were regular days, with nothing special going on. In my house, mom made Christmas more like Christmas. So without her it just was no longer the same. I’ve lost a lot of my enthusiasm for holidays we celebrated.
My dad always comes down and we’d go over to my middle sister’s home for dinner. She would usually have others over, who I really didn’t know well, and it was no more a family affair. I’d go, but usually wouldn’t stay long. Finally last Christmas I didn’t go at all. I don’t especially enjoy it. Now that has been my reaction. My middle sister tried to go away over both Thanksgiving and Christmas and I feel she was trying to run away from the holidays, though I never talked to her about it. She did stay for Christmas, though. My other sister lives in Missouri. Everyone reacts differently. You will, no doubt, each react a little differently on these days or around them. I guess it’s because you know it’s different and one you loved so much is no longer there with you to celebrate. There’s a void that can never be filled by something else.
Speaking of differences…all of us girls reacted differently to mom’s illness and death. The oldest cried a lot and showed her emotions more openly. Her & I were with mom the most. She’d come out from Missouri to help be with her for periods of time. I got several leaves of absences from work to be with mom during different critical periods. My middle sister, a year younger than the other, reacted totally different and showed anger. The people she worked with were ready to quit, her daughter was ready to leave home, and my oldest sister was ready to clobber her for how she was treating her. Then I would cry at home in my bedroom by myself as I didn’t like crying in front of people and showing my emotions. I prayed a lot.
You are under enormous stress whether you realize it or not and it’s going to show in one way or another. Mine showed in some abdominal discomfort. So if any of you found yourselves questioning why the other was reacting differently, know that it’s just that way. We all have breaking points. We can all only take so much stress. Let each other react however is ‘normal’ for them and try to give each other space with this. Because the other does not react, or appear to react, as you do, does not mean they’re taking it any less harder than you. Give yourselves time and be patient with one another. We all don’t express ourselves the same way.
You may find yourself treasuring some one thing that your mom liked or had. One of our friends had given my mom a little clip-on Garfield when she was operated on in 1984. Since then she had moved away and when mom was sick in the hospital again, I brought that to her. That has always been special to me as I knew the love behind it from the giver, and that it was with mom at the end. I also very much recall my last birthday and Christmas gifts from her, or at least part of them. One is a stuffed dog I got for my birthday along with some money and the other is a little stuffed bear that I’d seen in the store and liked, which mom got me for Christmas as part of my gift two years before she passed away. The last Christmas she just gave money. Those things are meaningful to me and are special memories. You may find the same holds true with you.
You may also find yourself touching things your mom had. It’s like you feel you still have some contact with her that way. I recall being over at your house when you were going through the jewelry to pick out some items for the viewing. I noticed one of you holding a piece of jewelry and looking at it and touching it. I felt then that I knew what you were feeling. Nobody else probably picked it up. Then suddenly you realized that someone was waiting for you to put it back in its case. There’s just something about touching or smelling something that they touched, wore, etc. In a way in your mind it brings them back for a moment, as if you still had contact with them.
It may be difficult for you to be around any other funerals or viewings. With me it wasn’t so bad till I went to your mom’s and that was probably due to the fact that I’m close to your sister and we’d previously shared some things concerning our mothers. That brought back many memories and I felt so for all of you as I knew exactly what you were going through and would go through. It was all I could do at times to hold the tears back. I could see your pain and sorrow and wanted to do something, yet also knowing at the same time that there was absolutely nothing I could do to remove the sorrow or take away the grief and pain.
It’s over…don’t put yourself down if you feel a relief that it’s over. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love your mother! But it is so very hard and such a helpless feeling to watch for months and months someone suffer and decline in health and there isn’t a thing you can do to stop it. Nobody knows what it’s like if it hasn’t happened to them. It is horrible. Never knowing how they’ll be, if they’ll live or die. It isn’t wrong to be relieved that it is over and you don’t have to watch it anymore. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy! It’s such a terribly emotional time, so many ups and downs, nerves on edge. Feeling you can’t take anymore or are losing it. Those feelings are normal.
If I’d only….don’t beat yourself with these thoughts. You cannot go back and change anything. It doesn’t help you or the situation to dwell on these things. You’ll just drive yourself crazy with entertaining thoughts like these. Don’t do that to yourself….push any thoughts like that out of your mind as soon as you realize what’s happening. If you could change the past then it’d be okay, but since we cannot, we have to go on and not beat ourselves over what maybe we could have done or not done.
You may find that suddenly, without any warning, you’ll start to think about things and get upset all over again. It’s normal. Sometimes you know why it happens, other times it seems like for no reason your mind starts going back over things. You are not losing it or cracking up. If you find yourself extra emotional for awhile, it’s okay. If things upset you that didn’t before, it is okay. You may forget things, feel you can’t cope with the normal pressures you handled before, etc….it is a normal reaction. Don’t be afraid that you are losing your mind as you’re not….not that it might not feel that way to you at the time! It is a normal reaction. You need to realize that you are still under much emotional stress today. This isn’t something that goes away overnight and you’re healed and back to normal. It will take time to adjust, things will be better down the road and easier. Even if it doesn’t feel that way now. Give yourself time…don’t set a time limit for yourself that you should be over things by any certain time. There will always be a void in your life now, but it won’t always feel this big or empty.
I hope in some small way that something I’ve said will help, even just the thought of knowing that someone else understands and knows what you’re going through. Everyone doesn’t as I’m sure you’ve found. There’s some that won’t ever mention the subject to you as they are unsure how you’ll react, and then there’s the other extreme where ignorant people expect you to be back to normal shortly thereafter.
Be patient with one another and with yourself. The short time I was with you, I noticed all of you react in some different ways. I saw my father change through what happened with mom. I saw him break down. My parents did not have the best marriage. But I saw my father break and he has changed through it. My dad moved away only seven months after mom passed away, and probably would’ve sooner if his mother was not also dying at the same time. (She passed away several months after mom did.) I know he still feels the loss.
There’s probably many more things I could share with you. Just know I do care and feel for each of you.
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