Where was God back then?…

‏In teen group, the youth pastors would preach about giving our hearts to the Lord, serving Him with all our might. Be a good soldier for Jesus Christ, giving our all to stand. We were to run our race with courage for the prize that was set before us… Lest we take our eyes off of the prize, off of Christ, and onto ourselves.

“The most miserable person you will ever meet is a Christian outside of God’s will.”

“If you……… (get away from God, get into sin, etc), God may put you up on the shelf” just like He did with Saul.

I miss early mornings in the Bible… I miss hearing God’s voice and knowing that peace. I miss hours in prayer. I miss being delighted in God’s answers and seeing Him work. While I hated the trials, I miss how He takes His children under His wings like a mother hen…

“When I sit upon my bed, and meditate upon thee in the night watches…. In the shadow of thy wing will I rejoice.”

The Lord’s touch in the Bible…. How he would bring a child onto his lap or into his arms. He used his hands to put mud on the eyes of a blind man, who at first saw men as trees walking.

I miss being able to read His Word without freezing up. I still can’t pray though several times there’s been progress… I miss looking forward to church instead of dreading it, not knowing what the message is going to be about.

Where was God then?

I was there because I truly wanted a close, intimate walk with the Lord, and I thought I had that. But where was He?

I thought I knew Him. Because I only desired a sincere walk with God, now I’m here, still, nine years later?

How can I be a ministry wife if I can’t pray, can’t read, can’t study? How, if I sing the hymns “living off of the victories of the past?” How can I possibly encourage my husband in the Lord? How can I raise my children when I no longer know what I believe…. And question the “what if He isn’t?”

Hours of Bible reading and prayer every day. Hours memorizing and studying the Word of God “that I might not sin against thee”… Days upon days of ministry, and nights filled with tears… Wondering how to get through the newest situation without repeating the old ones…

He [my mentor] wanted me to grovel…beg his forgiveness… Submit to his commands as my “authority” or there would always be consequences…

But God was there? All of that to serve the Lord?

I trusted my most recent pastor with some of what this man did…. But then he turned around five years later, ripped up an accusation of harassment, said I was trying to destroy my church by seeking advice (something always destructive with my old mentor), and told me the writing was on the wall…. This place was supposed to be one of balance, and it was to a great extent…. Turns out it was just messed up in a different way and I was supposed to submit for my husband’s sake.

I am what I was cautioned about: a “has-been” in the ministry as a soldier for Christ. I miss the days that fellowship was sweet. But I’ve tried so many times that it feels impossible.