I’ve been out of the Bible-based high-control group for 5 years, but still can’t read the Bible. Other than random verses I see online daily. I talk (mutter) to God daily, and think about Him a lot throughout each day, and desire intimacy with Him, and worship Him daily, and want nothing more than to experience more of His love and presence. But I am paralyzed when it comes to His Word.
To a Christian who hasn’t been severely spiritually abused this might sound crazy and garner the “well, you can’t be a real Christian then” response. But to someone who has been through something similar to what I have, they will probably understand that the Bible can trigger our PTSD. The Bible was misinterpreted, and used as a weapon. Used to make us miserable. Used to create deep fear, shame, guilt. Scriptures forced down our throat daily. Not to mention that the only translation we were allowed to read was the version translated by the sect founder! (Alarm bells ringing.)
The Bible was used to create such deep pain that I was depressed from age 7. Scriptures were taken out of context constantly. We couldn’t socialize with anyone “outside” the sect because of some obscure passage in Timothy. We couldn’t wear pants because of some Old Testament scripture where the verse next to it talks about not wearing clothing of mixed fibers. (I remember telling my Dad, post-sect, that I would remove my jeans – and change into a skirt – before leaving the house if he would remove his sweater of mixed fibers!)
I know that the Bible is a love letter from God to His earthly creation (I have done a lot of research on its legitimacy). But my body and mind still react in fear when I see all-too-familiar verses. After I had been “out” for about 3 years I was determined to read the Bible like a good little girl and so I printed the Bible out on A4 pages so that I would not be triggered as much because it wouldn’t look like a bound book. I still went into cognitive-mode (as opposed to heart-mode) and numbness. And I read it like a text book, with no feeling. I was still in have-to mode.
Very recently I decided to listen to the audio Bible so that I wouldn’t be triggered by reading. This was my second attempt at overcoming my fears, indifference, and disinterest. It was better than the first attempt. I felt like my heart was engaged and I was actually interested in the scriptures for the first time. However, I listened to the audio Bible once, then not again for the last 4 weeks. So, there is still a blockage.
I have asked God to remove the blockage. That the scriptures will be brand new to me, as if I have never seen them before. I am actually jealous of atheists, Muslims, etc who convert to Christianity and read the Bible for the first time. I’d love for the Bible to have no trauma associated with it. No baggage. No fear. The audio Bble I listened to was The Message translation. I chose that translation because I wanted the scriptures to sound very different from what I was used to so that they wouldn’t trigger PTSD. It helped a lot. Most of the verses sounded very different from the translation I was raised with (which was similar to KJV).
It’s still a journey to disconnect from the past. Our body and mind remembers. I have a measure of peace that God understands (although I do have the odd day where I think I’m not saved because I have indifference towards the Bible. My scrupulosity kicks in.) I crave connection with Him. And I am angry that the Bible has been damaged for me. It will pass as more healing comes. God works healing miracles every day.
I tend to stay away from Christian circles because I feel guilty – the vast majority of Christians don’t understand my predicament and look in horror if I mention that I don’t want to read the Bible. It’s too difficult to explain. I rest in the fact that true love comes from overflow, not obligation. The Father wants children, not slaves.
(This was difficult to write, and to post, because I am ashamed and feel that I will be judged. Especially as most ex-cultists seem to have no problem reading the Bible. But hopefully this helps someone know that they are not alone.)
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This fits me also, I know exactly what you mean and how it affects you since it is happening to me also!
Boy do I get you. I used to say that it felt like I was getting hit over the head with the Bible. I was actually gettin hit ‘between the ears”. I’ve been out of the cult for over 3 years and still have great difficulty picking up my Bible…I can read about it, Read commentaries, follow Christian bloggers, etc but it’s very difficult to pick it up and spend quiet time reading it.
I can’t handle listening to preaching on tv or radio. I have to change it fast. It all seems so rehearsed, cookie cutter, stuff someone else preached before and now they are repeating it. I just cannot. I come from a strict Baptist background, but same thing.
I understand what you are going through. I bought a brand new bible in a different translation but it was hard for me to read. It’s been 6 years that I’ve been out of the cult and I’ve finally got that hunger back for his word. I’ve also done some extensive research on all those old scriptures that were used against us.
I know exactly how you feel. All of it happened to me to including sermons targeted at me because I was an evil broken women with no children or husband. Every time I looked at the Bible it made me want to throw up or rage over the crap people did to me. I know it’s not supposed to be that way and I don’t hate God at all but it’s so hard. Even audio or podcast sermons trigger the response and I don’t know how to get around it. Took me years to say the word Jesus again even…I’ve had to cut out most interactions with toxic Christians who slam it in your face all the time. I want to read it but I feel scared, angry and gross. I don’t know how to make it go away. I love God but I just can’t do it.
Have you discovered The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning? It’s not a Bible but it’s all about Grace. One quote I love is, “For grace proclaims the awesome truth that all is gift. All that is good is ours, not by right, but by the sheer bounty of a gracious God.”
I understand, I have gone through that experience. I was once involved with a cult, actually a couple, and the Institutional Church.
I also have had to deal with sexual abuse, physical, and emotional abuse from a parent, (mother and other’s) on top of Spiritual abuse.
I’ve come to understand that the Lord truly loves His Children, and even in our doubts, and unbelief concerning His promises, He is always there for us. And it is HE that will deal with all of these deep scars that exist in our hearts, souls and mind. Fear is torment, and I know that the Lord’s mercies are new every morning, and no matter how we feel, or how the evil makes us feel, HE is there for us, that is where we can ask our Dear Heavenly Father, to strengthen OUR FAITH in Him, and to Trust in Him.
For He desires us NOT to be afraid of HIM.
I pray the Lord will bring healing to the depths of your soul, and renew a right spirit within you. HE died for us, He is not against us, but for us.
I know, it’s taken 40 years to get me to the place where I now am in Him.
For it is the Lord which will “perfect” that which concerneth us. And that scripture is what gave me hope during some of the worse depressions I have suffered in my Christian life.
He has kept me through it all.
So trust in the Beauty of our Lord, that beauty is endless Love, Mercy, and truth.
May the Lord bless all who have suffered from abuse in all of it’s devilish forms.
I get it. And I think the answer, which ironically I get from the Bible, is that you don’t have to read the Bible. God calls us to Grace and freedom through Jesus. You’re His child. Find other Christians to be in relationship with in some way if you can, but if the Bible is understandably causing you pain, set it aside and trust God to understand and make a way for you.
Oh I can totally relate.
I was raised Catholic and actually had a phobia of anything church related.
I have found a welcoming inclusive Episcopal church…and i just focus on Jesus’ words.
It’s been 3 years since you wrote this, but I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I cannot put into words how much this helped me, to see someone else write exactly everything I feel every day. Unlike you I can’t even listen to audio versions or read it on a different medium…but I like your idea of praying and asking God to remove the blockage. I have been praying something similar for years, but I’m still struggling. I completely relate to what you said about being jealous of atheists, etc. who get to look at it with fresh eyes. I have felt that so many times I can’t even count.
And no, Christians who haven’t been through spiritual abuse don’t nearly get it. I got tired of trying out church after church and talking to pastor after pastor, hoping to get help and understanding. I was mainly met with confusion and judgment.
Anyway…thank you again. Without having read any other posts on this website, I hope you’re doing well and have found more healing. I will be working toward the same.
I’m glad I’m not alone. I so badly want to be able to dig into God’s Word and feel shame and guilt that I can’t seem to engage my heart. It also doesn’t help when I know how important the Bible is. I found this blog because I was looking for perhaps helpful ways to get back into reading again but it is a relief to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this…
Thank you for sharing! I can relate as I was spiritually abused by my father who served as a pastor yet also physically abused me. The prodigal son parable is the most hurtful. Your post is very helpful and validating! Please don’t feel ashamed and in your foot note I understand how hard it is. You are strong! Thanks for posting this online and I see a lot of encouraging comments.
Thankyou for being brave and posting this. I feel so seen reading this.