The pain is real. The journey to healing is real. It’s long and at times feels like it is never-ending. But every year when I look back over the previous year I see the progress that has been made – rebuilding my life. It’s been almost six years since I left. Which sounds like a long time, but it isn’t really when I consider that I was born into the sect and left when I was 33 years old. I’ll have been out of that toxic church system for half of my life when I turn 67 years of age!! That sounds awful and depressing.
I’m currently 39 years old. Looking at it this way makes me realize that it is okay that I still have a long way to go on my healing journey. I’ve been out six years, but I was in for 33 years (plus the 9 months in the womb!). I’ve been free from extreme control for only 15% of my life. Wow. In that 33 years I wasted approximately 9,000 hours sitting listening to mind-boggling theological discussions spoken in Shakespearean English – that I never understood. None of it brought me close to God.
Last night my new husband and I went to a get-together with his work colleagues. It is at events like these that I realize that I still feel separate. This feeling lessens with each passing year, but it is still there. It gives me social anxiety because growing up in isolation from “worldly” people means that I didn’t learn normal social skills or the ability to relate to and interact with people from all walks of life. It has been scary and tiring to learn these skills in my thirties. I look normal on the outside now, and can put on a good front, but underneath I still feel odd, and different, and like I don’t belong.
It is to be expected because for 33 years of my life I was told, and therefore believed, that I was part of a small group of elite Christians who were God’s chosen people. The only people to whom He came; the only ones with the “truth;” the only ones worthy of true fellowship; the only ones who had interpreted the Bible correctly. All other Christians and non-Christians were misled by Satan, and were to be feared. Physical separation had to be maintained at all costs so that we were not infected by their evil (yes, the words “infected” and “evil” were actually used). We were not allowed to dress like the world, watch TV like the world, watch movies like the world, listen to the radio like the world, have a library card like the world, live in a condo building like the world, be a part of a professional association like the world, etc… I used to stand at my bedroom window when I was about ten years old and look out at the dangerous world with fear and wonder what it was like to be in Satan’s clutches and wonder why God chose us for such special “light” and “revelation.” But deep, deep, down in my core I was jealous of the freedom that “worldlies” had.
Therefore, there is no wonder that I still struggle with socializing with people I don’t know, especially on mass. No wonder I escape to the washroom every hour or so just so I can breathe deeply and collect myself. To add to the awkward feeling is the fact that I have never watched The Simpsons, haven’t heard most of the popular music that was released more than six years ago, never went to University, have never owned a TV – so I sometimes look ignorant because I lack basic knowledge about these everyday things.
Healing takes time. It takes gaining self-esteem, establishing self-concept, establishing a new world view, finding a new community, making new friends, counting what was lost, processing the anger, trying new things, experimenting with clothes and hobbies, binge-watching TV shows from the 90’s on NetFlix, grieving what was lost, grieving the years that were wasted, grieving your old identity that wasn’t really you, and grieving for the family members who are still in a deep state of cognitive dissonance and brainwashing. It takes creating a new identity. It takes finding the real person beneath all the layers of conditioning and slavery – fear, guilt, shame, must-do, have-to. It takes courage to seek a relationship with God, when all you knew was rituals and rules. When He was very scary and full of disgust.
Healing can’t be rushed. It’s a process. Respect it. Honor it. The path is different for everyone. There is hope – peace and joy can be found on the journey. Celebrate the work-in-progress You.
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Almost 60 years. Out almost 7. A few years of gradually leaving prior. The sadness of growing up in a modern day cult.
I’ve been out 6 years after 32 years in and I’m still recovering and healing. What helped me was finding a new church that offered healing programs for hurting people. I went through Cleansing Streams and Celebrate Recovery. I am now a volunteer with Celebrate Recovery because I still need it. I’ve been asked to teach a bible study called Life’s Healing Choices for spiritually abused and hurting people. Just read thru the book and received more help for me also. So I will probably teach this class in the Spring. Another miracle in my new church is God put me in contact with a lot of former UPC people who have already walked down this road. One of my dearest friends is the wife of a former UPC pastor. They have family still in bondage and I know how hard family gatherings are for them but their journey of healing has been amazing. Hang in there it will get easier.
This is wonderful! I never thought of going to anything like celebrate recovery but maybe I should. Thanks for your insight.
I can totally identify with your words and feelings in this post, I always feel like I don’t belong. I live a “normal” life now but in no way feel normal in church groups.
Thank you for sharing. I’m in the early stages of healing and recovering from spiritual abuse. Other’s stories help me to realize that there are others who also suffered spiritual abuse. It’s not easy for me to unravel all that transpired because it was done in such a covert, under the radar ,manner. With the help of God, I’ll be completely healed one day
Sheila, You may want to consider joining one of our private support groups. We have one on Facebook and one is part of the website. You may read about them at http://www.spiritualabuse.org/ck/supportgroup.html
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have been out for 7 years but the abuse continued from my former church family of 23 years for approximately 5 years after I’d left. It took another woman coming forward with my same experience for the bullying to stop. So, I technically did not begin the healing process until 2 years ago. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Dissociative Disorder approximately 5 years ago due to my experience. It has been a long road to recovery.
It must have seemed like it was never going to end after you left. 🙁 I am glad that you are receiving help and are healing.
As someone who has been away from the grips of the holiness and legalistic UPCI church for about 2 years now, I have found that I am still very much on the road to recovery. I had to fight back tears while reading this at work. There is such an understanding in their words and such pain is attached to the writer’s experiences. The anxiety I feel in the seemingly most random of situations is so frustrating and angering for me. I have made outward changes of course, but the inward changes are the ones that matter the most to me now. I am 35 years old but socially I feel much younger. It takes me a long time to make friends and when I do I find myself putting them through a vetting process to determine if they are deserving to be in my inner circle. It is very disheartening that the years of indoctrination and elitism are still so deeply ingrained in who I am. There are battles I face on a daily basis in my attempts to acclimate to the world. I feel that my heart breaks over and over again. I want to scream and cry and hold the insecure little black girl who suffered through so much as a child and as a young adult. The desire to please, to perform, to show that I was “all in”. In process of getting connected with a Christian therapist in order to break down some of the mental and emotional walls that I cannot get through on my own. It is so much harder to rebuild from something you have been steeped in since birth than when you come in as an adult. This journey has been very hard for me especially since my parents are still very much in UPCI. They see the lies and contradictions, but haven’t made the decision I knew I had to make for my own mental well being. I know the Lord is with me and that he hasn’t forsaken me, and I am grateful that he is helping me to tear up my rocky and shaky foundation so that I can rebuild correctly. Every day that I live now is a chance to reform, reshape and lay a foundation built on God and nothing else.