Love, Honor, and Obey

Traditional marriage vows in some circles. The woman promises to love, honor, and obey. In my former church, the “obey” was emphasized to the point of embarrassment in the ceremony. Supposedly the pastor was “just teasing” but it was not the time or the place, and it wasn’t something to be taken lightly or joke about. Men demanded that “their women” obey them in everything, even if it meant they must go hungry, stay home rather than going to social events, have few friends, give up their hopes and dreams, or even endure abuse.

The man promised, in the ceremony, to love, honor, and protect (or keep). If he did not do these things–if he abused her, made her go hungry, didn’t provide basic necessities, didn’t allow her any friends–he was not considered wrong, but if she didn’t obey, she was. The vows that were made by the man were very broadly defined. The vow of obedience was absolute and entire for the woman. For a month before the ceremony, obedience of the wife was emphasized. She was to obey in all things. There was no caveat, no boundary for that obedience.

About a month ago I brushed up on the memory of these ceremonies in a service where Ephesians 5 was used. “Wives, submit…” The pastor mentioned that he discusses submission and the meaning of Ephesians 5 in premarital or marriage counseling. The word ‘submission’ carries some damaging memories, but so do weddings. “Love, honor, and OBEY.”

It was only tonight that I read that in the New Testament there is nothing that says women to are obey their husbands. Children are to obey, slaves or servants are to obey, but nowhere in the Bible does it say wives are to obey.  I checked. The writer of the article I read was right. It’s not there. And not one version of the Bible translates ‘submit’ as ‘obey’, either, at least not regarding wives.

I had come to a point in my former church of thinking that any woman who got married there was selling herself into slavery because of the way she was treated and regarded in a marriage relationship. The unbiblical emphasis on complete obedience may have just provided more evidence of that.

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Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

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