Why I’ve been a spiritual hobo

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on December 8, 2014.

Maybe I’ll try church again.

Two years ago, I’d been exiled from my church home four months before.

One Sunday, I went to a service at a local megachurch, hiding myself in the crowd. And I asked God why I hadn’t found a spiritual home yet, if I ever would.

And in the dimmed light and slow guitar chords trickling over me like creek water, I thought maybe he answered.

You won’t find a home. Not yet. You’re a hobo for right now. But I am going to show you all the different kinds of people who are part of me, part of my body.

So out I went. New Life Church became my soup kitchen, but I visited the LGBT affirming church, my friend’s mother’s Catholic church in Boulder, the Apostolic Pentecostal church.

I saw chanting and wailing, people speaking in tongues, people reciting the Apostle’s Creed and the sprinkling of holy water. I saw transgender women bustling around a church kitchen, brewing coffee.

And everywhere, I found someone whose heart seemed alive, people who sought Jesus.

For years, I’d been told that our church was part of a remnant holding to sound doctrine, that other churches were to be analyzed and mistrusted.

According to the Barna group, I’m not alone in being spiritually homeless. Their surveys say my generation tends to fall into three groups: nomad (Christian, but not involved in the church), prodigal (once Christian but no longer identifying as Christian), or exile (Christian, lost between the culture and the church).

I’ve written before that something that keeps me from leaving completely, something hopes I can still find light in Christian belief. Stuck somewhere between nomad and exile.

My friend Cynthia B. and I went to see Handel’s Messiah at Village Seven Presbyterian Church last weekend. Poor college students are always up for a free concert.

Churches feel awkward to me now. I don’t feel like I belong, because I’m not hiding my problems anymore. Cynthia and I sat in one of the back rows.

I was skeptical.

But the choir joined with the lead singer the first time, and I was four or five years old again. I know it sounds cliche.

But I forgot the beauty and the light I once found in music and church performances.

I’ve been escaping emotional hypothermia, realizing Jesus didn’t ask for my pain and didn’t need my defense, finding purity beyond the rings. And I let go my original concept of church to grow. To find church outside four walls.

I needed to know that Jesus didn’t label me, that there would be room for my doubts.

And now I cried, let the music and community back in again. I cracked open in the light, soaked my soul in the ethereal sound.

Maybe a hobo can find a home again.

Examining Teachings #2: Jezebel And Shamefaced

You don’t want a Jezebel spirit. She used it. Prostitutes use it. Do you want to associate yourself with them?

You would think the subject matter would be most serious to prompt such statements, but think again. We are speaking of make-up.

The Bible mentions no prohibition against the use of make-up and actually shows its use. Because of this, those who teach things such as the above, have to resort to other means to promote their doctrine. You are likened to Jezebel, an unsavory woman from the Old Testament, who died in a brutal manner. You would think her death was at least in part from wearing make-up the way some spin the story. Or perhaps you are likened to a prostitute, because many of them wear make-up. Surely then if one wears make-up, their motive must be to entice and seduce others. This is hardly the case with most people who use it.

These two examples are easily debunked. Just because people do sinful things, doesn’t instantly mean that anything associated with them is wrong, sinful, or will cause others to be likened to them. As a for instance, Jezebel also fixed her hair, but you don’t hear these same people preach that a woman fixing up her hair is wrong. (In Apostolic circles, some of their hairstyles can be elaborate and/or time consuming.) Yet hair can be used in an effort to seduce, too. How many men find long hair attractive?

If a woman wears modest make-up today, people aren’t whispering and pointing fingers as she walks down the street, saying she must be a prostitute. Men don’t proposition her. Certainly no one is thinking she is like Jezebel, unless they come from a church that teaches this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvqX6GSs5d8

When these two thoughts didn’t work to convince you to not wear make-up, they went on to a twisted meaning of a  New Testament word. Don’t you know you are to be shamefaced? That is found right here in the Bible. See? 1 Timothy 2:9, in black and white. Shamefaced, sister, be shamefaced.

This is one of numerous words that is given a faulty definition in order to give the appearance that it supports their teaching. It is often taught as meaning plain, as in not having anything on your face. Here is where I encourage you to look up the original word that was translated ‘shamefaced.’ It doesn’t come close to meaning what some proclaim it does. It has nothing to do with make-up or being plain.

The word translated ‘shamefacedness’ in the KJV is a noun. In Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance it is #127. Thayer’s Greek Lexicon states it means “a sense of shame, modesty“. It further states it “is prominently objective in its reference, having regard to others”.

A Greek Lexicon Of The New Testament And Other Early Christian Literature concurs, showing the meaning as modesty in 1 Timothy 2:9 and reverence and respect as used by other writers.

In The Complete Word Study Dictionary: New Testament it shares, “Modesty, an innate moral repugnance to a dishonorable act or fashion. Aidós is grief due to the personal sense of evil. Aidós finds its motive in itself. It implies reverence for the good as good, not merely as that to which honor and reputation are attached. Only in I Tim. 2:9; Heb. 12:28, reverence, veneration.”

Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words also agrees with the others. “‘A sense of shame, modesty,’ is used regarding the demeanor of women in the church, I Tim. 2:9 (some mss. have it in Heb. 12:28 for deos, “awe”: here only in NT). ‘Shamefastness is that modesty which is ‘fast’ or rooted in character… The change to ‘shamefacedness’ is the more to be regretted because shamefacedness…has come rather to describe an awkward diffidence, such as we sometimes call sheepishness” (Davies; Bible English, p. 12).”

Word Meanings In the New Testament further explains, “This unfortunate translation leaves the implication that Christian women should go around in public with heads bowed and eyes averted, as if they were ashamed of themselves. Not so. Actually this rendering appears to be in error. The Oxford English Dictionary says that the adjective “shamefaced” was “originally an etymological misinterpretation of shamefast” (9:620) which carries the idea of discreetness. Wyclif’s earliest English version of the Bible (1382) has the correct term here, “shamefastness.” This is used in the ASV (1901), but, of course, even this word is obsolete today.” It goes on to add, “Bernard says that it implies “(1) a moral repugnance to what is base and unseemly, and (2) self-respect, as well as restraint imposed on oneself from a sense of what is due to others.” He goes on to say: “Thus aidos here signifies that modesty which shrinks from overstepping the limits of womanly reserve” (p. 45). In our opinion, that states the case with accuracy and relevance.”

It is important to take the time to check for yourself when some minister or pastor (or anyone else) teaches on a subject. Unhealthy churches often give words meanings which are not in line with what the scriptures show. Thus you end up believing something which is not true and think God is demanding it.

Some might be interested in two short articles on the website which also address make-up: Make-up And Fingernail Polish Are a Sin and Make-up.

Examining Teachings #1: Drunk In The Spirit?
Examining Teachings #2: Jezebel and Shamefaced
Examining Teachings #3: Peculiar And Separate
Examining Teachings #4: What Must I Do To Be Saved?
Examining Teachings #5: Faith Without Works Is Dead

The Wave Movies

The Wave was a made for TV film. It was based on a book about the alleged experience of a high school class in Palo Alto, California in 1967, whose teacher wanted to explain the rise of the Nazi party to his students. Those who have been involved in an unhealthy church will be able to relate to aspects of it. The quality isn’t very good, but don’t let that stop you from watching.

Years later, a newer versionset in modern day Germany, was released. It is in German with English subtitles.

Embracing Sobriety in Spiritual Practice – An Interview with Elizabeth Esther

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on June 9, 2016.

Another blogging friend, Laurie Works, introduced me to Elizabeth Esther’s blog back in 2014.

Recently I ran across her top ten signs of a spiritually abusive church YouTube video and I was so, so glad someone finally mentioned the dangers of “independent fundamental” churches like the ones I attended when I was a teenager, where most of the experiences that I write about came from.

Her more recent posts about the need for art to change as we get further and further out of that system have also been healing for me. Self-care is so vital and it’s not something cults encourage.

I didn’t reply to her survey last summer for Spiritual Sobriety because I wasn’t really in a place to do that yet, but I found her questions compelling and I couldn’t wait to read the book when it released this spring.

My friends and I who got out are healing and growing, but there aren’t many resources for people like us. Most people who shared our experiences are still on the inside. That’s why I was so excited about Elizabeth Esther’s new book and I wanted to know more. She and I did an interview for the release.

Here’s our conversation.

First, I’d like to ask you what specifically prompted you to write this book. What was the tipping point that made you realize that an unhealthy relationship between spiritual practice and addiction exists?

A lot of it was my own experience. I began to see similarities between the ways I used God addictively, in the same way that alcoholics rely on booze to escape pain, enhance pleasure and escape reality. I was sick of using God as a kind of “vending machine” to get what I wanted out of life. Knowing God is different than “getting things” from God. But when I began searching for a “sober” way of relating to God, I found that many churches only offered emotional experiences or magical thinking. Many churches were enablers!

Probably most of us have heard sermons interpreting Ephesians 5:18-20 to mean that we should be drunk on God the same way that you can get drunk with wine. How do you view this now, after writing your book?

I’m not gonna mock someone’s ecstatic experience with God. But I am going to suggest that too often we mistake “intoxicated” religious feelings for love of God. If love is real, it will be manifested in our actions—not just in how many awesome, amazing, WHOA worship/preaching conferences we attend. Scripture also tells us that we will know each other by the fruit of our lives. So, a lifelong journey of Christianity isn’t really about our conversion experience so much as everything that comes afterward. Are we kinder, gentler, more joyful, peaceful, patient, self-controlling? Those are the fruits of the Spirit. THAT’S what defines a true faith practice.

When you hear songs about giving all for God or being on fire now, what is your reaction to them?

I think those songs have a time and place and can be especially meaningful for brand new believers finding God for the first time. But those songs don’t do anything for me, personally, anymore. I don’t think those songs are SUPPOSED to define our entire faith experience. Because, like life, faith is a journey. I’m so glad I’m not a teenager anymore! I don’t need the hyped-up feelings because I know those can lead me into addictive burnout. When I hear those songs now I feel sorta like: “awww, that’s so cute.” But my tastes have changed. Or matured, maybe. I’m not really interested in the grand gestures or the huge, meteoric displays of passion or “giving it all to God.” I want something sustainable. A relationship that lasts a lifetime, not for one amazing summer. I know now that God doesn’t ask me to burn out for Him or to neglect myself to the point of a health breakdown. God likes me and delights in me and I’m just doing the best I can today, trusting that God will take care of the rest.

For those who have been spiritually abused and want to return to church attendance but are wrestling with reconciling their new perspectives and insights with the old memories, do you have any advice on where to start?

Start where you are. Take the pressure off. You have a whole lifetime to figure it out. There’s no rush. I would only suggest to keep trying. Even if that trying means giving up. Sometimes giving up is the best way to start! Here’s the good news: God isn’t going anywhere. You’re not going to “miss out” on God just because you don’t attend church. God is big enough to find us anywhere. Start where you are and let God find YOU. 🙂

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You can order Spiritual Sobriety here on Amazon. I’ll be posting my review soon.

Source: Elizabeth Esther

Dreams and memories

I woke up this morning after a vivid dream that I’d gone back to my former church. Apparently in the dream I was working a different job and two different people from other churches had come into my workplace and asked directions to the church. I gave it to them, amused that they didn’t realize I used to attend, even though I was dressed just like them.

For whatever reason, I knew they’d be serving a meal that night before church so I decided to sneak in just to eat. Most everyone had eaten by the time I arrived. They asked me to help serve dessert, not recognizing me. So I did. The entire building was different in the dream, but several things were the same. As people started to realize who I was, I could sense their fear. The unasked question was, “Did you ask the pastor if you could come?”

They’d shy away from me, afraid to acknowledge me or meet my eyes once they recognized me. And yet there was a little hesitant hope in their eyes that I’d “pray through.” Then the pastor came in. Things were tense- would he recognize me? If so, he’d be furious that I’d come. I left at that point, satisfied I’d gotten my answer, and that nothing had changed. I walked the long way back to the car, watching the parking lot fill and people rush in, hurried and focused on that building. I walked, enjoying a starless night, at peace.

I haven’t been looking for any answers. I know what would happen if I tried to go back or attend anything they led. But it was odd. The fear and tension were thick. I wasn’t afraid, but they were. And they weren’t afraid of God or afraid for me, they were afraid the pastor would find out. They were afraid of his anger and his temper on themselves for not saying anything if they knew I was there without permission. Afraid he’d think they had something to do with me being there.

And in the dream I knew the reason I wouldn’t go back even to visit- a totally unbiblical attitude toward the pastor and the pastor’s expectation that someone who’d left had to call and ask permission to return. (There is a rule at church that if you leave, you must ask special permission to even come to a wedding or funeral.) It had to do with his temper and the anger that he expressed so often, that tension in the air, the fear that he’d blame someone for wrongdoing when they’d simply been kind, gentle or compassionate.

It was strange. The dream didn’t make me sad or angry, it was just there. But it was strange because the fear, the tense caution, and the rules on returning were so clear and solid in an otherwise wispy dream. It’s the first time that I’ve dreamed about church in years that I felt a calm reassurance when I woke up.

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