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Shopping

Don’t know how to title this. Today was the first day since leaving church that I went shopping at a time and in a place where I would probably meet people from church. What an odd situation! Where before when I shopped I felt I needed to watch for people to witness to, today all I had to do is smile! I smiled because I wanted the Apostolics to know I wasn’t ashamed or sad about leaving. I smiled because I was simply happy to be out. And because I got some really good deals.

Generally when I went out as an Apostolic, I didn’t notice people around me. Today I did. I heard their conversations and I saw how people interacted. No one in the store was Apostolic at first. Then a whole bunch showed up at once. One walked by me repeatedly, talking loudly on her cell, “In Jesus name!” “Uh-huh! My, my! Momma, you gotta come by later!” “Oooh, sis!” “God bless!” She seemed so dramatic and rude. She pushed by people, and walked around and around people without ever acknowledging them.

On the other side of the store, I heard two sisters talking. I had almost walked up to them without seeing who they were, but then they got pretty loud. I looked closer- sure enough, Apostolics! Another few walked past without acknowledging me (or anyone else). Several of them would have previously considered themselves my friends. Today I was embarrassed for them.

As I prepared to leave, one of the Apostolics came up to me. I doubt she knows I’ve quit, but whether she does or doesn’t, she quietly talked to me about this and that item, smiled and wished me a good day.

I wonder if any of them know that their unfriendliness while I was in was part of the first clue that I should leave? I wonder how many ‘backsliders‘ they have pushed away in rudeness when they could have done the Christian thing and reached out in love? How many ‘sinners’ in that store saw them today more as I did, as embarrassing, loud, and inconsiderate? How many people hear their coded cell phone talk and turn away in disgust, while they actually think all their “Jesus name!” “God bless!” on their cells or in person is a form of witnessing or “not being ashamed of Jesus?”

I haven’t seen that many Pentecostals in one place since I left. It was sad to see them all together today, not because they rejected me but because they were projecting a totally wrong image of themselves to the ‘world’ they talk so grandly about winning. And I’m convinced they felt they were doing the right thing, or had no idea that there might be a better way.

“What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”

I have random thoughts as I read a quote from a famous person, or a passage in a book, or hear something while watching a movie and it triggers a thought about my former church or perhaps about spiritual abuse in general. Or it may just be a thought that pops unexpectedly into my brain or things that are talked about by others talking about spiritual abuse.

For example, I recently saw this quote: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another ‘What, you too? I though I was the only one.'” ~ C. S. Lewis.

It wasn’t the friendship part, but the “What, you too?” part that got me. When I first joined the spiritual abuse support group, I read a number of posts by many different people and could not believe the similarities between parts of my story and theirs. Many people had been through different situations than me, but still it was all the same in a way. People also told me that my story could be theirs.

I am not alone, I found out. It was not just me. So many of us knew something was wrong at church. But no one else wanted to talk about it. For me I knew to not speak it out loud. It seemed to be forbidden. Whatever it was, I thought I was the only one. So I kept it all pushed down out of mind. And so some of us stayed for years (18 for me) and accepted the abnormal for normal.

Now that I have been out for three years, I realize that some of the early ‘red flags’ I was getting, I should have paid more attention to. Hindsight is always better. Even when you consider yourself to be a rational person who would never get caught up in a cult-like organization.

So if you are here because you want to find out what in the world is going on and “is that really in the Bible?” remember, You are not alone.

To my former church family

I know that some people from my former church would misunderstand some of what I’ve written. Please at least read this entry, if you ever think you’ve found me here.

For everyone else who might read, if you find yourself in a good place, be thankful. If you have been hurt, there is a place you can find strength and healing. You are not alone.

It grieves me that people from my former church would think I ‘backslid.’ There is nothing in my past to go back to, so in leaving, I can’t have ‘backslid.’ It disturbs me that you (former church family) can’t know what happened that required me to leave, but if I were to tell you I would quite possibly hurt you. That isn’t my intent, so I’ve chosen not to discuss what happened.

If anyone from my former church reads these and knows who I am, please understand, I don’t want to put any doubts in your minds. These blogs are to help put faith back in my mind, not to put doubt in yours. So if any of you from my former church are reading, please understand that I love you and I love God. I didn’t want to leave your church, but I didn’t have another option that would allow me to keep my integrity.

I wrote a farewell letter but never sent it to some of my closest friends in church. If any of you happen to read this and think you know who I am, please read it and consider what I’ve said:

There isn’t an easy way to say this, but I have to say goodbye. I’ve wept to consider leaving good people like you. I wanted to say goodbye personally, but doing that could cause conflict for you. I can’t say why I’m leaving, but please understand- I didn’t feel there was any other choice.

Your kindness, thoughtfulness, smiles, and encouragement have meant a lot to me. Thank you. I’ve been told several times that my only reasons for staying were carnal ones. That’s not true. I stayed here because of my faith in God, and because of a few good friends like you. Just because I stop coming to a certain building doesn’t mean the end of our friendship in my eyes.

Please understand that whether we can talk and visit or not, I am grateful for the good memories we share. I know leaving will cause you conflict and heartache- I know, because it has caused me conflict and heartache too. I wish I could have stayed, but I want you to know that my line and door are always open. I still consider you friends, I will always remember you with love.

~Mary

“Everyone needs a pastor”

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…

The word “pastor” is not often mentioned in the KJV Bible. A pastor is a shepherd.

What is a pastor? What would a real shepherd be like?

A pastor is gentle. He knows sheep, and he knows his sheep. He would never mistake a sheep for a goat. (Even most city slickers wouldn’t do that!)

A shepherd loves his sheep. He doesn’t want to hurt them, but protects them. His rod and staff are comforting, so they must not be used to beat sheep. The staff may be used to reach a sheep in a tight spot, but not to hurt the sheep. A shepherd never deliberately hurts a sheep, but if a sheep is hurt he also must never leave the sheep, wounded and bleeding, alone. If a sheep is hurt, he will bind its wounds.

If a sheep leaves the fold, the shepherd goes and looks for it and brings it back- he doesn’t ignore the fact that it has gone or say it left so it has to find its own way back. If a sheep from another fold finds its way to him, he will keep it, feed it, heal it, and protect it. He will also go out of his way to deliver it to the rightful owner if possible.

A shepherd will defend his flock. He will put himself in danger to fight bear or wolf so that his sheep stay safe. He mourns the death of a sheep. The Bible talks about the shepherd fighting for the sheep and pulling the bits that are left out of the beast’s mouth. (Amos 3:12) Each sheep is special to him. He takes his duties seriously.

A shepherd is humble. There is nothing about his job that demands praise or glory. The shepherd was generally the youngest son, and shepherding was considered lowly work. Shepherds aren’t braggarts. They simply do their jobs. They receive very little thanks for their work, and expect no thanks.

Feeding the sheep is one of the shepherd’s priorities. He knows the best fields, and leads them there. He never drives them, always leads them. He knows the clearest streams, and leads them to the food, water, and rest they need to be healthy and strong.

Sheep are not accountable to the shepherd, but the shepherd is accountable for the sheep. He doesn’t expect a report from each sheep every day, week, or month on what they ate or did with their days. Sheep are sheep. They do sheep things. He knows by looking at them which sheep are prospering and which may need extra attention. He gives that attention and care gladly; it’s part of his job, and no sheep has to beg for it.

A shepherd keeps count of the sheep and makes sure none are left behind. If a sheep is lost, the shepherd doesn’t blame the sheep; he takes responsibility for its loss himself. He finds it if he can, taking the time and effort to retrace his steps, calling and searching for it until he finds it and brings it home.

Sheep feel safe with their shepherd. They can relax in his presence, yet they trust his watchfulness and care enough to wander from him, eating and drinking. They don’t herd around him, scared he will leave. Sheep under a good shepherd aren’t afraid. They know the shepherd is watching and that he cares for them.

I have a shepherd. His name is Jesus.

Ps 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

John 10:14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.
(see all of John 10)

1 Peter 5:2 Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind;
3 Neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.

1 Timothy 3:2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
3 Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;
4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
6 Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.
7 Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.
8 Likewise must the deacons be grave, not doubletongued, not given to much wine, not greedy of filthy lucre;
9 Holding the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience.
10 And let these also first be proved; then let them use the office of a deacon, being found blameless.

Informational post on speaking in tongues #8

This is just a little ‘did you know’ informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought. It goes along with a previous blog where I stated, “Did you know that there are only three instances in the entire book of Acts where it is said that believers spoke in tongues? They are Acts 2, 10 and 19. (Acts 8 cannot be included as it never once mentions tongues…)”

I believe Acts 8 should not be included in the list of passages in Acts which show believers speaking in tongues simply because it never once mentions it happening. It is not good practice to assume or read into the scripture and base doctrine upon that assumption. Do you really want what you believe and teach to be based on assumptions?

Even United Pentecostal General Superintendent David Bernard, in The New Birth, admits that this is assumed when he writes on page 231, “The account of Acts 8 of the Samaritans who received the Holy Ghost does not explicitly mention speaking in tongues; it gives no description of signs of their Spirit baptism. …It is logical to assume that this sign was speaking in tongues.”

So why is this assumed? It is based upon two thoughts:

1) Simon practiced sorcery in Samaria and he offered the apostles money to have the ability to lay his hands on people so they would receive the Holy Spirit. It is said he would not have done so if nothing visible happened.
2) In the three instances previously mentioned, the believers spoke in tongues after the Spirit came upon them.

Let’s briefly look at these.

Something that is often overlooked is that before the two apostles joined them, Simon had been following Philip all around Samaria. There were paralyzed and lame people healed. Some were possessed and had unclean spirits cast out. Though Simon had bewitched many with his magic, he was impressed by these miracles and signs. He was obviously seeing much more than he had ever done. He had not healed or delivered those people. The NASB says that Simon was “constantly amazed” at what he witnessed.

In this, and considering what Peter said to him after he offered the money, it isn’t surprising that this happened. Simon had just seen a lot of miracles and the laying on of hands may have just been the icing on the cake, so to speak, which prompted him to offer money. Did something happen when Peter and John laid hands on the people? I do not argue against that. Yet we do not know with any certainty what occurred as Luke was silent on the matter. Perhaps they spoke in tongues. Perhaps something else happened.

In Acts 2 and 10, it is clearly stated that they spoke in tongues. Yet in Acts 19, it mentions both speaking in tongues and prophecy, without mentioning if all spoke in tongues and all prophesied, or some did one and some did the other.

Since we have only two instances in Acts where tongues are seen and one where tongues and prophecy are mentioned, is it wise to assume and teach that in Acts 8 it must have been speaking in tongues?