Category: unhealthy churches | Page 137

Shopping

Don’t know how to title this. Today was the first day since leaving church that I went shopping at a time and in a place where I would probably meet people from church. What an odd situation! Where before when I shopped I felt I needed to watch for people to witness to, today all I had to do is smile! I smiled because I wanted the Apostolics to know I wasn’t ashamed or sad about leaving. I smiled because I was simply happy to be out. And because I got some really good deals.

Generally when I went out as an Apostolic, I didn’t notice people around me. Today I did. I heard their conversations and I saw how people interacted. No one in the store was Apostolic at first. Then a whole bunch showed up at once. One walked by me repeatedly, talking loudly on her cell, “In Jesus name!” “Uh-huh! My, my! Momma, you gotta come by later!” “Oooh, sis!” “God bless!” She seemed so dramatic and rude. She pushed by people, and walked around and around people without ever acknowledging them.

On the other side of the store, I heard two sisters talking. I had almost walked up to them without seeing who they were, but then they got pretty loud. I looked closer- sure enough, Apostolics! Another few walked past without acknowledging me (or anyone else). Several of them would have previously considered themselves my friends. Today I was embarrassed for them.

As I prepared to leave, one of the Apostolics came up to me. I doubt she knows I’ve quit, but whether she does or doesn’t, she quietly talked to me about this and that item, smiled and wished me a good day.

I wonder if any of them know that their unfriendliness while I was in was part of the first clue that I should leave? I wonder how many ‘backsliders‘ they have pushed away in rudeness when they could have done the Christian thing and reached out in love? How many ‘sinners’ in that store saw them today more as I did, as embarrassing, loud, and inconsiderate? How many people hear their coded cell phone talk and turn away in disgust, while they actually think all their “Jesus name!” “God bless!” on their cells or in person is a form of witnessing or “not being ashamed of Jesus?”

I haven’t seen that many Pentecostals in one place since I left. It was sad to see them all together today, not because they rejected me but because they were projecting a totally wrong image of themselves to the ‘world’ they talk so grandly about winning. And I’m convinced they felt they were doing the right thing, or had no idea that there might be a better way.

“What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”

I have random thoughts as I read a quote from a famous person, or a passage in a book, or hear something while watching a movie and it triggers a thought about my former church or perhaps about spiritual abuse in general. Or it may just be a thought that pops unexpectedly into my brain or things that are talked about by others talking about spiritual abuse.

For example, I recently saw this quote: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another ‘What, you too? I though I was the only one.'” ~ C. S. Lewis.

It wasn’t the friendship part, but the “What, you too?” part that got me. When I first joined the spiritual abuse support group, I read a number of posts by many different people and could not believe the similarities between parts of my story and theirs. Many people had been through different situations than me, but still it was all the same in a way. People also told me that my story could be theirs.

I am not alone, I found out. It was not just me. So many of us knew something was wrong at church. But no one else wanted to talk about it. For me I knew to not speak it out loud. It seemed to be forbidden. Whatever it was, I thought I was the only one. So I kept it all pushed down out of mind. And so some of us stayed for years (18 for me) and accepted the abnormal for normal.

Now that I have been out for three years, I realize that some of the early ‘red flags’ I was getting, I should have paid more attention to. Hindsight is always better. Even when you consider yourself to be a rational person who would never get caught up in a cult-like organization.

So if you are here because you want to find out what in the world is going on and “is that really in the Bible?” remember, You are not alone.

“Everyone needs a pastor”

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…

The word “pastor” is not often mentioned in the KJV Bible. A pastor is a shepherd.

What is a pastor? What would a real shepherd be like?

A pastor is gentle. He knows sheep, and he knows his sheep. He would never mistake a sheep for a goat. (Even most city slickers wouldn’t do that!)

A shepherd loves his sheep. He doesn’t want to hurt them, but protects them. His rod and staff are comforting, so they must not be used to beat sheep. The staff may be used to reach a sheep in a tight spot, but not to hurt the sheep. A shepherd never deliberately hurts a sheep, but if a sheep is hurt he also must never leave the sheep, wounded and bleeding, alone. If a sheep is hurt, he will bind its wounds.

If a sheep leaves the fold, the shepherd goes and looks for it and brings it back- he doesn’t ignore the fact that it has gone or say it left so it has to find its own way back. If a sheep from another fold finds its way to him, he will keep it, feed it, heal it, and protect it. He will also go out of his way to deliver it to the rightful owner if possible.

A shepherd will defend his flock. He will put himself in danger to fight bear or wolf so that his sheep stay safe. He mourns the death of a sheep. The Bible talks about the shepherd fighting for the sheep and pulling the bits that are left out of the beast’s mouth. (Amos 3:12) Each sheep is special to him. He takes his duties seriously.

A shepherd is humble. There is nothing about his job that demands praise or glory. The shepherd was generally the youngest son, and shepherding was considered lowly work. Shepherds aren’t braggarts. They simply do their jobs. They receive very little thanks for their work, and expect no thanks.

Feeding the sheep is one of the shepherd’s priorities. He knows the best fields, and leads them there. He never drives them, always leads them. He knows the clearest streams, and leads them to the food, water, and rest they need to be healthy and strong.

Sheep are not accountable to the shepherd, but the shepherd is accountable for the sheep. He doesn’t expect a report from each sheep every day, week, or month on what they ate or did with their days. Sheep are sheep. They do sheep things. He knows by looking at them which sheep are prospering and which may need extra attention. He gives that attention and care gladly; it’s part of his job, and no sheep has to beg for it.

A shepherd keeps count of the sheep and makes sure none are left behind. If a sheep is lost, the shepherd doesn’t blame the sheep; he takes responsibility for its loss himself. He finds it if he can, taking the time and effort to retrace his steps, calling and searching for it until he finds it and brings it home.

Sheep feel safe with their shepherd. They can relax in his presence, yet they trust his watchfulness and care enough to wander from him, eating and drinking. They don’t herd around him, scared he will leave. Sheep under a good shepherd aren’t afraid. They know the shepherd is watching and that he cares for them.

I have a shepherd. His name is Jesus.

Ps 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

John 10:14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.
(see all of John 10)

1 Peter 5:2 Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind;
3 Neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.

1 Timothy 3:2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
3 Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;
4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
6 Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.
7 Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.
8 Likewise must the deacons be grave, not doubletongued, not given to much wine, not greedy of filthy lucre;
9 Holding the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience.
10 And let these also first be proved; then let them use the office of a deacon, being found blameless.

Leaving Church

Over the past few years, I’ve looked at several of the various oddities within this church, the conservative movement I was a part of, and Pentecost as a whole. No one would answer my questions for a long time. The answer was always to go ask the pastor. When I asked the pastor I was told that I was rebellious or thought I was smarter than him. I was expected to accept what was preached as gospel, and never look to the gospel or the God of the gospel for answers beyond the pulpit.

I hope these are anomalies- that they are not common in Pentecost. But the more I have read, the more I realize that I’m not alone in my experiences.

For a long time I refused to consider leaving the church, because they preached Jesus name baptism, Holy Ghost, and holiness of dress. But questions about other teachings started creeping into my mind. After two separate incidents, a year apart, when I was accused and charged guilty of something without being given a chance to explain (or in the second case to even know what they were talking about), I started looking into the scriptures more thoroughly. I stopped reading the Bible, but if something seemed strange, I’d reference the passage and read it in several versions if need be.

Several things began to disturb me:

The belief that the pastor was always right, and that he could not be questioned.
The concept that if the pastor said to do something, it must be done.
Preference of one person over another.
Letting down on standards held for decades, while still arguing that others (who used the same reasons for letting down on other things) were wrong.
Making women lesser saints.
Not allowing women to be as involved.
Catch phrases that demanded a shout.
Rebukes for not shouting on catch phrases, or not shouting enough.
Meaningless songs with a few words repeated over and over and over and…

It’s sad, really. I didn’t want to leave, and I never thought I would stop believing certain things. I’ve wondered if I would have been better off if I’d left months or years ago when the problems started. I miss my church friends, but there weren’t that many of them. I miss church activities to a degree. But I’m not sad to leave.

I wonder what will happen now, where I’ll go or what I’ll do. Will there be a church I feel comfortable in? Where? When? Should I take time off from church or plow back into it? Should I go to a Oneness church or just let that go? Will I ever be able to marry now that I’ve left? Will I put too much emphasis on a new pastor, following the old, ingrained rules?

There are no answers to these questions, but I’m satisfied. At first after leaving I crammed on books about exit and spiritual abuse. I don’t feel like doing that now. Maybe I should- I’ve been told it takes years to work through the problems. Maybe I just wasn’t treated that badly, or maybe its just that somewhere I still believe that I’m not leaving God just because I walk out the doors of a particular church.

In that particular way, I feel miles ahead of the ministers and saints I’ve talked to. Almost all of them think I need a pastor and need this church. Not so. I need God. And my pastor is not my god, and my church is not my god. My God fills the universe, but also stepped into time and was crucified to a cross… and rose again. His grace is sufficient, and I’ll trust Him.

“We don’t want problems” – Mary’s royal gripe session

My name was probably removed from the roll this weekend. I’m really sad. I don’t know what I expected, but this wasn’t it. The pastor has never tried to contact me. Only four people have called. Some of my best friends never even called. We’re supposed to go to service four times a week. I haven’t been for three weeks and no one ever called?!

They think that church attendance is necessary for salvation, but no one is concerned enough for my soul- not my friends, and not the pastor- to call and see what’s happened, or to try to work things out? What happened to the Biblical methods of restoring such an one in the spirit of meekness? Of searching for the lost coin or the lost sheep? Jesus came to seek and save… why would the church sit on its hands and says “good riddance?” I’ve seen this before from inside, heard the stories of how wrong those who leave are. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.

Adding to that is the knowledge that many other Oneness Pentecostal churches will not accept me. It’s wrong to have to call a church and ask permission to attend because I went to the same denomination before, to be required to explain- very carefully so as not to incriminate the pastor- why I might have ‘problems.’ So I won’t. Even pastors who tell me to get back in church don’t want me at theirs! I am not sure what they expect me to do, because the situation at my former church is untenable, but I can’t tell anyone else what is happening; I can’t prove much and most of what I can prove is considered acceptable or within the bounds of ‘ministry.’ I DO NOT believe that being called a heifer or other derogatory terms is considered ministry.

If a pastor tells you he could care less if you attend or not or if other churches will not allow you to attend because “they don’t want problems,” yet all believe that if you don’t go to church you are in disobedience to the Bible, and that you can go to hell for that, then they are effectively saying “Go to Hell.” What kind of Christian attitude is that? What kind of Christian attitude does the person have who says they are a leader and therefore cannot be questioned, or who says that a person is in rebellion for questioning certain words or actions? What happened to love, mercy and grace?