Category: United Pentecostal Church | Page 29

Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 4

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least five blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. The ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group as well as one from the IFB. Each person is separated between using and not using quotation marks. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See also Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

Only a robot could come through what we’ve all been through unscathed and without a myriad of mixed emotions, regrets, issues and more to unpack and sort through.

For a very long time, I have been contemplating whether or not to share my story on here, but I feel like it’s time. My biological father joined the UPC when I was around 13 years old. We believe he has bipolar disorder and the structure and strict nature of the church catered to his mental processes. As I got older, I began to realize how warped everything was. He would comment on the size of my chest and say that I needed to “work extra hard to be modest.” He would financially manipulate members of the congregation and our pastor in order to get what he wanted, and since he was a big strong man, everyone feared him.

I specifically remember one night I made him especially angry. I was talking too much, and women are to be seen and not heard. Five years later I was diagnosed with ADHD so it was truly out of my control. He took me by the forearms and threw me against a wall, giving me a concussion. He took away my phone so I couldn’t call for help. But it was all okay because I was “disobeying the Lord so I needed to be punished.” I was so scared for my life that I contemplated climbing out my second story window to run and get help. The next day, I tried to tell my youth pastor about it and all he told me was that I didn’t have the marks to prove it. This wasn’t the only time. Many times I would go home to my mother’s house with bruises, fat lips, and other injuries. He spanked me until I turned sixteen and left. Quite soon after joining the church, my bio father became involved with my babysitter, a woman from the church who was eighteen years younger than him (whom I despised). He told me he was going to marry her. That was the tipping point.

Three years later and many blocked numbers, emails, and a name and address change, he will still occasionally show up at my work or find a way to contact me. I work at a Texas Roadhouse in Wisconsin, and I see a lot of people from my old church come in. Almost all of them have tried to get me to come back. I would tell them what my father had done and no one ever believed me- up until one day, when I was sweeping my section and Jennifer happened to be in the section over with her husband and recognized me. We ended up talking for at least an hour about escaping UPC. It was so great to have someone who not only believed me, but understood what I have gone through.

I guess my message here is that it does get better. I used to go into full blown mental breakdowns when he would show up at my work. Now, I have the ability to have him removed from the premises (I’m so thankful for my managers) without the bat of an eye. I have a stepdad who has agreed to legally adopt me as an adult and loves me more than anyone else has. I have a new family through him, and I have this group as a wonderful support system. Because of the UPC, I developed Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s now being treated, and I feel more in control of my future. The church no longer affects me, nor has any power over me. I am grateful to see members from my own former congregation in this group who knew him and the trauma he incurred. After I left I realized just how much the church enabled him, but they didn’t win- we did…..

The stories never end. I always cared for my mother, who lived on $780 in social security, I paid for her phone, medicines, often groceries, etc. And still, the pastor told her, she needed to find a way to pay tithes and offerings.

Sick men, who shopped at Sacks 5th, all family members drove BMW’s, and they made a little lady with $780 who couldn’t afford to live, support them.

My issues happened in an IFB church with a cult-like family. I am STILL IFB.

1. The Bible is now filled with landmines and concepts I’m now terrified of. Prayer is the same way.
2. I was called a harlot for being interested in the man who is now my husband, and it still crosses my mind if I didn’t marry the wrong person because what if I didn’t wait on God and I just married the first person that liked me back, as I was accused of.
3. I would go into full-on panic attacks when a man walked into my place of work passing out tracks
4. I truly thought it would be better for everyone else around me if I was dead. I caused problems for the wife because her husband was always cutting things off because of things I did. And I couldn’t get him to stop. He wouldn’t stop, but for me to back out of the friendship (cult) would hurt her so deeply….it would have been better for me to die….but I couldn’t do it
5. I’m currently unable to handle the idea of the calling that God has called us to (missionaries) because of triggers….but then again, my (future) husband and I were told that with women that had emotional issues like I had, may never make it to the field……..
6. I’m afraid I will never be where I should be spiritually and that God has/will just put me on the shelf…and that that will affect my family

I was yelled at for hours by a man who we had deemed was an authority in my life since my parents weren’t Christians. He had me do chores in his house to keep me away from his wife because he thought I loved her in a sexual manner. He wanted to keep me away from his teen boys because he accused me of fantasizing about them throughout a church service (even forced me to “admit” it once), but he wanted me to spend as little time at my parent’s house because they weren’t saved, and thus a bad influence. He accused me of looking at the billboards and forced me to stare at the back of the seat with my head down when in their vehicle, yet insisted on inspecting every article of clothing that I wore. He told me to burn a skirt… I still remember it was black with little blue flowers and green leaves… because it was too short. It went to mid calf when sitting. He told me to get rid of my heels because they are prostitute shoes, and certain shirts (that his own wife bought me) because he decided they were too tight. What’s strange about it? Goodwill is still a trigger. His wife took me shopping before Bible college and I had several outfits that were fitting for a homeschooler going to Bible college…but those times were special. When I see Goodwill (etc), I think of those times and they hurt…. Then it triggers the anger of what her husband did. But it hurts deeply and I can hardly set foot in a Goodwill without panicking, 10 years ago this summer.

I remember the summer after freshman year… Six days before I was supposed to start courting the man who is now my husband… The man convinced my (now) husband to break things off. I was broken that summer…but I wasn’t supposed to contact any friends from college because they were a “bad influence.” There was to be no contact with my now-husband, though the wife (my friend/mentor) contacted him to find out how his dad was doing since he was supposed to have quadruple by-pass surgery. The man, Randy, assumed that I had made contact with my (future) husband. He berated me over and over again, hurling threats of things he would take away or things he would do that would make my life miserable. At one point…he called my future husband and started berating him. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door….lights off, I huddled up on the floor against the door and sobbed…. He was calling the man I loved, the one I wanted to marry but knew I had hurt so deeply… Now Randy is tearing him apart, causing him more hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.

It was later that summer that they broke me enough to the point that I had decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship and maybe this wasn’t the man I’m supposed to marry. The only reason I was allowed to go back to Bible college was because I thought I wasn’t ready, the wife had contacted my future husband and he said he wasn’t ready, and that there was a good chance he wouldn’t make it back sophomore year right away due to finances.

My husband too went broke due to the UPCI and his ex wife’s beliefs that were drilled into his head from a young age. She was paying thousands of dollars a month into the church to “build” her and her parents status in the church, but the bills at home weren’t being paid on time and he was laid off from time to time due to work flow! We are free from that church now, nothing has struck us down, and almost five years later the bankruptcy that the “Church” put them in is finally paid off next month! We still tithe to our current church, but not for any other reason as we budget it and it’s not out of our reach!

Part Five.

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 3

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least five blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. The ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group as well as one other group. Each person is separated between using and not using quotations. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See Part One and Part Two.

I was harmed by the usual stuff that people have noted here, minus the sexual abuse (that came earlier in life, before the church). I think though, that the worst thing for me is the niggling thought that the problems I have now are my fault from leaving church.

Psychologically scarred, for one. I’m 11 years on the outside now and just completed a several month round of therapy that was much needed after some UPC trauma started to rise from beneath the surface. This kind of trauma subliminally affects us and even if we think we’re entirely over it, down the road it will show up. And we have to confront it, deal with it. My problem was that I couldn’t trust my judgment or instincts – I felt like I was crippled when facing major decisions. That is because the UPC teachings paralyzed that part of my brain for so long. They taught me I cannot make my own decisions. So I’m much better after this last round of therapy and feeling confident in myself.

Another way – in my last UPC church (the big Denver one), I was used to the last drop for my musical talents from 16 to almost 20. I counted that I was probably playing piano there upwards of 10 hours a week, with Sunday morning and night, Tuesday night choir practice, Wednesday night church, and Friday youth service. It stole many years from me, physically and spiritually and emotionally exhausted me, and caused me to miss so many experiences most teens would have had.

It made me feel like I was living a double life and sinning because I went to a movie or wore shorts or any other silly thing they were against. It also warped my mind to judge someone’s heart on the basis of their outward experience.

Because God always makes lemonade out of lemons if we’ll allow Him to, that experience taught me to study, research, learn, and never take any belief for granted or as Gospel truth without investigating it myself.

I was told that if I listened to her (a fellow church member) she could save me money on therapy…I was told to stop my medicine…rely on God and get in my word, give it all to God, pray, etc etc…I stopped my medicine believing that I was spiritually lacking and wanting a way out of the madness that was my mind. Ended up suicidal, was taken to the ER and was baker acted into a mental hospital for about three weeks. After that while attempting to pray at the altar, she comes to me and says that she can’t pray with me anymore because I won’t respond to the leading of the Spirit and there are others who want a move of God and will receive it… I figured if I started crying and jumping then she would think I was praying through…I wasn’t about all that…I soon realized I was better off if she left me alone.

The cult I joined was not UPC or any oneness group. You could probably call it Pentecostal because there was HUGE emphasis on the Holy Spirit. They followed the so-called five-fold-ministry structure. However, they were independent and not part of any denomination or other large organization.

How was I harmed? I could write a book about that.

Simply put, it destroyed my ability to trust, either other human beings or even God. I have rebuilt some of that trust, and in a much more healthy way, but I am still a very deeply suspicious person now. On the positive side, because I make people prove their trustworthiness, it makes spotting cons and fakes easier.

It destroyed my ability to trust God because I thought I was following his will, thought he had worked wonders through them, and then had my life torn apart by these same people claiming to work in his name. As I told my therapist just this last week, if these people were harming others in his name, using his words in the Bible and targeting people he claims to love and that STILL wasn’t enough to get him to intervene, how could I ever trust him? The truly sad part is I want to be able to trust him, but I am going to need him to prove that he is trustworthy. Trust is earned, not owed.

It is almost impossible to read the bible, both because of the sick and twisted teachings the group had applied to various verses as well as the fact they made Bible reading such a chore.

I lost a woman who I could have married. I met her at the church I attended before. We were dating before I ever joined the group, and for awhile after that. However, she began to see some of the unhealthy aspects and decided to get out. I had a bad rebound relationship and then after that the group became very controlling of who we could date (basically no one from outside). So I spent years literally having no opportunity to date. Now that I am out, I am in my 30’s and the “dating pool” is more a stale, septic puddle. So they robbed me of companionship.

I lost friends. Friends who never joined and were either driven away by my own increased toxicity at the time, or were cut off by the increasingly isolationist policies. Even worse were friends who had joined, and were twisted into someone else by the elders’ control. After I and a few others left, those once so-called friends shunned us, not that I would trust them anymore anyway.

What I believe has been undergoing a massive change since I left. It took a while, and even when I started I didn’t know what I was actually doing yet, but basically I have taken everything I once believed, both from the group and from my time before, taken it “out of myself” and set it on a metaphorical table. I have stripped these beliefs apart to as small of pieces as possible, and have been carefully and painstakingly examining them bit by bit. Discarding ones that are demonstrably false, reintegrating those that demonstrably have truth, and continuing to examine the rest. There are many that have been discarded, a few that have been taken back in… and quite a few that remain on that table.

Let me count the ways….

As an adult head of my household, I was not allowed to have church friends over to my house without the pastor’s permission. He refused to allow it because he said it was “dividing the baby” (a reference to Solomon). Because the people invited were of one ethnicity and I hadn’t included the pastor or his daughter, it meant I was “causing division.” Truthfully, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I simply wanted to hang out with people I had something in common with, share a meal, and relax. Instead of coming to me privately to address the issue, he preached a whole sermon about it on Sunday morning from the pulpit. That’s when I left.

Pastor would publicly berate and shame teens for riding their bikes to the library and hanging out at the library. He publicly told church people if they saw teens (by name) there, to send them home and report it to him. Supposedly they were hanging out with “worldly teens” there.

As young mothers, no matter what type of feeding, we were not allowed to feed our infants in the auditorium, because a drop of something might leak on church upholstery. Yet there was no nursery. So, to feed the babies, we had to go into the ladies bathroom and sit on the floor because there was only one chair in there and lots of young babies. Needless to say, between fussy, tired babies, feedings, and diaper changes, we’d usually all end up sitting on the bathroom floor for the better part of those 1-1 1/2 hour sermons.

Mine was letting go and the fear was overwhelming. I still feel like a misfit but I am on the mend. When I go to a different church and not UPC, I hear my pastors voice that I am wasting my time.

Part Four.
Part Five.

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Denying Oneself

The concept of denying oneself to “take up the cross” and follow Jesus is a biblical principle. It is the application taught in harmful religious circles that can cause so much damage and misunderstanding.

In the group where I grew up, it could mean many things. Taking up your cross meant denying yourself of food for a day or even a week, several times a year. If you were properly spiritual, you’d fast one day per week to keep your flesh “under subjection” to God’s Spirit.

It meant to give up most of the pleasures of living in general. No music outside of Southern Gospel or Classical, no ball games, no skiing for women (unless they did it in a dress), no television or videos, no plays, no puppets, no playing ball (unless it was “just for fun” without keeping score), no alcohol of any kind, nothing sparkly or decorative on your clothing (lace was the exception). There was to be no jewelry of any kind worn, and no makeup at all, including clear lip gloss or nail polish.

Some taught against any hair decorations of any kind, others limited it to sparkly hair decor. There was to be no proms and no school band if it required playing at ball games. No theaters, no go carts for girls (skirts made it indecent), and no dating without a chaperone present. There was to be no kissing, no holding hands, or touching of any kind before marriage. No trimming of the hair, and in some circles no curling of the hair with hot rollers or curling irons. Skirts had to be very long and not have any kind of splits, and sleeves had to be below the elbows at all times.

Males had to have no hair on the forehead, touching the ears, or touching the collar of the shirt. No facial hair was allowed. In my church growing up, your hair style couldn’t be any bigger than a certain measurement.

In some churches, they taught on what kind of underwear was permissible. For example, no thong underwear for women. Men were taught not to wear sleeveless undershirts, but they must always wear an undershirt. Women were taught not to wear pajamas to bed because they were “men’s apparel”.

To some, open toed shoes were sinful, and it was wrong for a man to wear certain styles or colors of ties. Some games were “wrong” to play…for example, anything with a deck of cards was wrong in one environment including Uno, while the other environment found cards okay but any game that involved dice was a sin.

One church made men and women sit on separate sides of the church. Guess which side was child heavy?

In all of these, and many more examples of “denying oneself,” there are some interesting themes that played out repeatedly. They were in areas such as clothing, eating, and spending.

Those who had enough money to do so wore the most expensive clothing they could possibly find. If they had to deny themselves in other ways, they definitely did not avoid “costly array.” They would wear lizard skin shoes, and carry ostrich covered Bibles. They had exorbitantly priced suits and dresses with very extravagant design detail. Their hair might be long and uncut, but it was styled in the most outlandish way possible. Their heels (if permitted at all) were sky high, very expensive, and definitely ostentatious. Were they denying themselves by avoiding TV but dressing in this fashion?

Eating was another area. As much as you heard it preached about the body being “the temple of the Holy Ghost” in regards to not using alcohol or taking mental health medications, there sure was no shortage of eating. I saw more grossly obese people percentage wise, at United Pentecostal Church and apostolic conferences than anywhere. I watched very hard line conservative preachers eat multiple huge plates of food at every meal at these meetings. Some who could afford it bragged about eating at the highest end restaurants and how much the plates of food cost. In most pictures of fellowship, there were plates heaped with food in front of the church members. As a result, the appearance was often grotesquely sloppy and completely unattractive to anyone they were trying to convert. “Come look like us?” There was hardly a waiting list for that.

In the final area I want to address in this article, many conservatives were lavish spenders. I described above the spending on clothing and food, but there were also flashy vehicles and fine homes. It was most common to see a church sacrificially give in order to send their pastor on an extremely expensive vacation, or to buy him a luxury vehicle. In one instance, a church member buys the pastor a new Lamborghini every year.

Deny yourself? It doesn’t sound like it. Take up your cross? Not with those name brand suits.

The inconsistency is a major factor of concern and it is sad that, like the biblical Pharisees, these people try to swat at every gnat while “swallowing” a camel. They missed the big picture while snipping threads in the tapestry.

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 2

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least four blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. All the ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group. Each person is separated between using and not using quotations. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See Part One.

What harmed me was being told I couldn’t seek help for mental illness and I couldn’t take medicine for mental illness because it could cause me to be possessed by a demon. And because I didn’t get help with the spiritual and emotional abuse for all of those years I ended up suffering from social anxiety self harm and depression. Thankfully I go to a church now that when I talked to my pastor about my problems she got me in to see a wonderful therapist and the taking of medicine for my mental health issues is okay with the Lutheran church I go to and I am slowly getting better and putting my life back together because I now go to a very loving and caring church that I thank God every day for.

Here are a few of the ways I was harmed:
Financially: My pastor told me not to leave his church in a very small, rural town. I could not find a decent-paying job… or even one with benefits. AND I paid tithes and offerings (15% as taught) on the $5-6/hr I made… and felt guilty for not giving more.

Psychologically: I was taught to distrust myself, to distrust my instincts and to think that anything bad that happened was my own fault. I learned shame and humiliation. I learned not to love my self or take care of myself because those things were said to be selfish and self-centered.

Spiritually: I learned to fear. To fear the future and to fear God in a negative way. I learned that God didn’t have my best interests in mind — that he wasn’t there to take care of me but to be served without question no matter the personal loss… and that he would not only expect, but demand that we face those losses as a way to test our faith and trust in him.

Physically: The stress I was under from the lies and the judgmentalism took a physical toll on me. It affected my health and my strength and endurance as well.

Socially: I was led to believe I should trust people in the UPC above all others and to distrust those who were not UPC. I lost friends and disconnected from family. I missed time I could have spent with Grandpa before he died, and missed good years with other members of my extended family and with real friends I had and could have had outside of the facade of the church I attended.

And… because of the rules of my church, because the pastor had to approve (and usually arrange) any relationships, I never married, never had kids, and never shared many other experiences that would have been positive and which most people would consider normal. I lost hopes and dreams and connections with others, ways to share with and interact with humanity.

I was raised UPC from the time I was eight years old until I left when I was 33.
I feel like I have major trust issues. Once you figure out everything you have been taught your whole life is a lie and you were duped and used as a door mat for nothing, it’s heart wrenching. You can’t look at people the same way for fear of being naive and taken advantage of once again.
I am cynical and critical of all churches and pastors. I never again want to open my heart up to a pastor or their family in case they are not who they claim to be.
I am leery of church comradery because people who say they are your church “family” will most likely leave you high and dry if you stop attending at any point down the road.
Just to name a few things… I’m sure I could think of more if I gave it more time!

I can completely relate to the music stuff! I was there from 9-1 every Sunday morning to sing and from 4-9 every Sunday PM. Plus any extra practices. Any thank you? Nope. Just people ragging on you if you didn’t show up because you were out of town or something! How much family time was lost while I was “giving my talent to God” every week for 12 years!?! Ugh. The illusion of my responsibility to music is a big reason why I stayed in so long.

Before attending the UPC, I loved going to church so much. I’d go to most any church regardless of denomination. I’d walk if it was nearby, I’d take a church bus. (These when young) I knew Jesus would be there, I knew He loved me unconditionally. The UPC took that simple trust and crushed it with their man-made rules and extensive fear mongering. Now, maybe I’m not good enough for Jesus to really love me, maybe I’ll lose my salvation. I have issues with trusting church leadership, I want to go to church, but don’t want my children’s simple belief in God and Jesus to be tarnished.

Second, and I’ve worked through this at this point, when we left I had no friends. I lost them, was shunned. I was so wrapped up in having the UPC as my identity, that leaving left me lost and confused as to who I was, as a person and my identity in Christ. I had to relearn how to interact with every day normal people, how to be “me” and interact in society.

Straight to the point….we felt like puppets on a string and the pastor’s wife was an evil bitch!!!! Sorry for the profanity but that’s the best words for describing her!

We were in the UPC for over 25 years and I believe it was the hypocrisy that we saw over those years that led to our leaving. I have a very hard time trusting those in the ministry because of seeing things preached against and knowing that they were doing those same things. They were always shaming people into giving more money to the church than they could afford, while those that begged for the money never seemed to go without. One day I actually started to study the UPC doctrine and opened my eyes to see it all starting to unravel. While there are some good people in the UPC the basic doctrine is flawed.

Lately, the word “robbed” comes to mind. Every time I hear the beautiful words of the gospel and how little of the Bible we were taught, and yet we were told there is no place else you can go from here, everywhere else is wrong and hell bound. I cut my daughters hair and was dismissed as someone unworthy to serve. I was treated from then on as if I wore the scarlet letter on my chest. In my mind, the group is too fault ridden to exist. It is not doctrinally sound and they only love each other.

Where do I start? I was born and raised in the UPC although my mother was not “in” church, she took us faithfully every Sunday because she did not want the shaming and guilt from my grandmother. My mom needed my grandmothers help with watching my brother and I when she was between marriages. I was pulled from both sides and in and out of church through my teen years. When I married, my husband and I got back in church and stayed for 25 years I think. He became a minister and pastor. I began to doubt the doctrine and would research and write papers on the subjects to give to my husband. I did not like raising my teen age kids in such a fragile glass house and we were shunned by the church people from parties and etc. In the end my husband ran off with a “worldly” woman and left me high and dry.
So my damages are:

1. Lack of trust in the ministry.
2. Takes me awhile to trust people or their statements of love.
3. PTSD -anxiety and panic attacks.
4. Had to learn that it was okay to love myself….still a work in progress.
5. I still study the Word for myself and do not take a man’s word.
6. I am learning that God loves me and gives me grace and mercy and is not mean and harsh and full of hate and damnation.
7. I will never step back into a UPC ever again.
8. I’m glad I found the church I attend now which we call a Body of Believers. They have accepted me and helped with my healing and forgiving process. They also leave the giving amounts up to me to decide.

Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression stemming from various teachings and indoctrination….Severe perfectionism from being taught God loves us only when we measure up. Ten years of abusive marriage because of false ideas of submission. Fear and panic attacks triggered by opinions of others since that was a key piece in the group.

My time was consumed with activity and nonstop obligations. I feel I overlooked my children’s childhood and have multiple regrets over it. Also I feel like I don’t know what to believe, who to trust, even if I could trust myself for such a long time.

I was in for about 9 years.

Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church

When one has been exposed to spiritual abuse, great harm can be done. While some escape with minimal or no injury, most do not leave unscathed. Those of us who have been exposed to it grow weary of people trying to minimize or poke fun at what we experienced. If a person has only been in a healthy church or group, they cannot relate. They will wonder why people remained or went along with some things. They simply do not understand the atmosphere in unhealthy churches, nor the harm they cause. Some others who are still part of an unhealthy church love to label everyone as bitter, rebellious, and/or unforgiving and some laugh and say we just didn’t get to sing in the choir or didn’t like the color the pastor painted the church.

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least three blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation and emoticons have been removed. All the ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group. Each person is separated between using and not using quotations. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches.

I feel like I lost time with my immediate family that could have been shared, as Jesus did – with compassion and mercy. My interactions with them (while in the organization) were more about my false appearance of moral superiority, judgement and condemnation. I’ve lost moments with them that I’ll never get back. I only have hope that our eternities will be spent together at this point.

I was taught a dysfunctional and deformed view of God, as a vengeful, rejecting, elitist, which justified me and everyone else to behave in like manner. I became that guy that cut off family, friends, and anyone who rejected our way. I taught and believed anyone who wasn’t Apostolic was a fake wanna-be Christian and wasn’t going to heaven.

Wearing Make Up? Going to hell. Wearing pants? Going to hell. Wearing shorts? Going to hell. Seeing a shrink? Going to hell. etc, etc, etc. Thus, I spent 15 years judging people instead of loving people. Sure, I’d wave, but I’d turn around and snicker – yea there’s a harlot…

I was taught to mock people who left or were different instead of following Scriptures example. Years ago a local businessman came to me and said, “I know you are a Christian, and I highly respect you, and I want to confide in you.”

This man confided his addiction to pornography to me, explained how he tried and tried to quit, the hurt it caused his family, his failings, etc. In the end, he asked me to mentor him, to be an accountability partner, to support and pray with. I told this man that if he had the real Jesus, not his fake Jesus, he wouldn’t have these problems and that he needed to come to church, get baptized in Jesus name, get the Holy Ghost and speak in tongues or he was lost to hell, and until he did those things I wouldn’t be able to be that connected and close to him.

This man was seeking Jesus, and I could have been part of that, and helped a MAN with a problem most men face. Instead? I judged, condemned and rejected like a good Pentecostal should.

It took me three months after leaving the cult to circle around to as many people as I could remember that I rejected and personally and face to face ask for forgiveness for the things I had done, said and exemplified.

I grew up with a very unrealistic view of the world around me. I was a good student in public school and a PK at home. I felt schizophrenic because the two worlds were always in competition. I attended the cult college instead of real college but thankfully met and married a wonderful man. He was clueless to all the hurt and abuse women suffer in the UPC. I was robbed of the fun and joy of being a young wife. I felt like an old lady at 30 and looked like one. So many things were not ‘allowed’. We were allowed to eat so I got fat. No makeup, jewelry, feminine things that make a young wife smile. I never fit in, my kids never fit in; not because we broke the rules but rather because we followed them too closely. I was miserably judgmental of myself and everyone around me. The peace that can be found when you leave this legalistic, self righteous group is unbelievably amazing!

…I did not even touch on the financial in my last post. From our pastor insisting we buy a van as a young married couple so we could haul people to church (and his assurance in 1973 that we would never have to make all the payments because the rapture was imminent). Then my making all our clothes, even suits and jeans because there was a cheap mill fabric store and a huge portion of our money went into the church. We shared drinks at Burger King while the pastor ate at Bennigans with our tithe. We had major life events including my husband being injured and spending almost two years in the hospital and a year of waiting for military pay to kick in while living on $40 a week from Red Cross and painting a house myself in lieu of rent. No church offered any help whatsoever. That year I had $19 for Christmas for three small children. Although we were assured we would have huge money issues and go broke if we left and did not pay tithe, we have flourished in the seven years since leaving, even though we still give to the poor and needy and those who struggle and to our own families (even those still in UPC who still struggle) but not to the fat cat preachers.

I lost my youth. I lost out on relationships with extended family before I left and now with my immediate family and most childhood friends since I left. I was uneducated, depressed and married at 20. I hated my life and didn’t even recognize it until I left.

Being a former 4th generation UPC kid and growing up under the church pews, I learned to hide who I was quickly. I learned my body should be hidden. I wore clothes several sizes too big for 27 years. If I wore something that fit me (even as a kid), it was too sexy and I would be causing some old penis to sin. I was taught I shouldn’t find interest in sports or things because the dress code for those things were “inappropriate,” I really hate that word! It was used for anything that didn’t fit the UPC mold: friendships, clothing, jewelry, heels off in church, sexuality, creativity that didn’t serve the church in some way… I was taught to not speak up, to hold my peace. I wasn’t to listen to my instincts because they were inherently evil. (I still struggle with this! It’s gotten me in some pretty awful situations over the years.) I felt I often needed to apologize to people I cared about in the church for my family’s treatment of them in the name of God. The church taught exclusivity from “the world.” I could have had some pretty amazing life-long school friends had it not been for the church! I missed out on joy, being more athletic, being a dancer, feeling beautiful, being playful, having relationships with my non-UPC family, getting help with my developmental disabilities outside a school setting, and not making plans for my future past 18. (It was a rule in our house we had to graduate high school, but I didn’t plan for marriage, college, career, kids, or anything. The rapture was going to happen! Hallelujah. Amen. Why try to dream about things that’ll never happen?!? It really made the first few years of my marriage super tough. I didn’t know how to live in the real world. I was so flipping naive! I didn’t know what I wanted to do for work, so I got fired a lot a lot! I didn’t know how to pay bills. I’d always lived with my parents. I could spend money like there was no tomorrow at the grocery store. My poor husband was/is still super patient with me when it my lack of street smarts/worldliness pops up.) There is sooo much more.

The constant call for money and giving more than you could afford caused much heart ache in our family. Even to giving our whole month paycheck to the church. Not even a thank you and it going into the big black hole that was existing at that time. My husband and BIL were asked to sign on a huge loan and they wouldn’t. That next Sunday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The church was asked who would support the pastor in anything they did or say by raising their hands. We did not of course. That’s when we were snubbed leaving that day. We had had enough. 1/3 of the church split. We were with the split. That pastor left us to go evangelize and we felt betrayed. The new pastor sent in by the UPC also betrayed us by leaving in a month. That’s when both of us gave up on the UPC. My husband went back to it after awhile but I never did.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

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