Category: Churches | Page 111 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

UPC from a Child’s Perspective

My earliest memories were of my mom, dad, and maternal grandparents, who were apparently helping my father build a church in a town that did not have a United Pentecostal church. I can remember my preacher Grandpa working on the building and my grandmother taking me out to see him on the scaffolding. I recall my mother reading me Bible stories, and some visiting preacher teasing me about my imaginary friends. I often played in my dad’s workplace, as he could not provide for the family without working a secular job.

When I look back at the pictures of that time, I see a happy little girl with curly blond hair and the prettiest dresses. The pictures nor the memories of that time reveal anything to me other than being loved and cared for. I wonder if my parents were perhaps different then. I heard them tell stories of “winning a family to God” only to find out that the man was beating his wife, so my dad addressed that with him and he eventually stopped. These are the stories I was told.

Eventually, we left there and went to another town where my dad took the pastorate of a church. I was preschool age, but I do remember him telling my mother about going to the home of one of the parishioners uninvited, at an unexpected moment because he felt the man was being deceptive about his lifestyle. He “caught” the man watching TV, which was strictly prohibited by the UPC at that time, and he confronted the man about it. The man made up lie after lie as an excuse to hide this “sin”.

There was a woman in that church who suffered from bulimia. I remember the judgement and disgust with which she was discussed, with never any hint that this could be a serious illness. As a mental health provider, I now cringe at what she must have suffered in addition to the bulimia and its root causes. Religion without compassion can be very hard on people with mental health issues.

By that time I had an infant sibling. I remember church people getting mad at my parents for taking my sister out to spank her during church for things like fussing during church or other such age appropriate things. I remember being spanked with a “skinny belt” for asking one parent if I could go home with a friend and when that parent said no, asking the other parent.

My friends in the church had me over to their house one day in December and their mother said, in front of me, that there was no difference in a Christmas tree and the Christmas lights my mother had in our home. I was about five and I can still feel how sad I was when I told mom what these people had said, only to watch in horror as she took down all of the Christmas decorations in order not to “confuse and offend” church people who were being taught it was a “sin” to put up their Christmas trees.

My dad was often joking and fun during that time with us, and with his preacher friends. I often heard them sit around the table and argue about scriptures, and then in the next breath tell racial jokes that are appalling to me now.

During that time, I first became aware that I was “lost” because I didn’t have the Holy Ghost. I went down to the altar and cried, not understanding everything yet. I told my family I was now a Christian and had the Holy Ghost because I went to the altar and prayed. They explained to me that I had to “speak in another language” in order to get the Holy Ghost. My sister by this time was getting old enough to play church with me. We were strictly forbidden to ever play like we were “getting the Holy Ghost” by jabbering nonsense. Instead, we would close our mouths tight and jump around to show that we were “getting the Holy Ghost” in order to not play with sacred things. I have a distinct memory of a teen who was “seeking” the Holy Ghost and fell out on the floor with people all around her. I was fascinated by watching her mouth upside down as she was speaking in tongues.

I was constantly watching my baby sister with a stuffed animal in church and feeling so jealous because I wasn’t allowed to play. I would secretly pretend my Bible was a baby and I was it’s mother, but if I moved it around too much I’d get in trouble so I had to be careful.

Eventually there was some kind of church problems of which I’m still not clear on all the details, but my dad resigned that church and bought a trailer to evangelize. They were already homeschooling me, so they would continue to do so as we traveled around the United States. I’ve heard my parents recount often the story of how they “dusted their shoes off” out the window of the vehicle as they left that town. My dad says God showed him there would never be a thriving church in that town because of the rebellion in the hearts of those people.

I was just a little girl. I don’t know the ins and outs, or if the people were truly rebellious. I can only share what I remember and have heard from that time.

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Earliest Spiritual Abuse

Everything has a beginning. My beginning happened in a small town where my dad was pastoring, (or rather attempting to pastor) a church that had never really existed, but in the mind of those who wished to start it. There were no constituents, and it is my understanding that my parents lived on what my dad could make working in a grocery store. It was there I was born, and where I lived for nine days, before they packed up everything and left to evangelize.

According to my baby book, written in my mother’s handwriting, I received my first spanking at the hands of my father when I was only a little over two months old. She followed this revelation with a little smiley face that she wrote, before explaining that they later found out that I wasn’t getting enough milk and that’s why I was screaming so much. It seemed not to bother her or my father particularly that they had “spanked” a tiny infant for being hungry. They just knew that they did not want to raise a child who would “throw fits”, and they were starting early to make sure I behaved as the child of a minister should.

I was the oldest child, and perhaps these mistakes could be chalked up to inexperienced ignorance, but it nonetheless sheds light on the mindset of two young people starting out a family, when both of them had been raised in Oneness Pentecostalism their entire lives. They both had been raised to expect perfection of themselves and others, because after all, God expected perfection, didn’t he?

My parents still brag about how well they trained me to act in church. I am that shining example that they hold up in front of every other young parent who crosses their paths. They had me trained on how to act in church from the age of nine months old, so they know it can be done!

I have no recollection of that time, of course, but I am told that I would sit on the front seat all alone at nine months old. I am told that I was expected to sit there looking forward, and not get up or turn around. On those occasions where I did get up and turn around, my parents said that one of them would leave the platform and take me out for a spanking. My mother played the piano and sang, while my dad led the services and preached. It was my job to sit down and be quiet. Apparently I learned the lesson they were trying to teach me fairly well, because they used that experience to teach other parents how to train their kids to act in church.

Years later, when I allowed my two year old to bring a quiet toy to church and to play between the pews quietly, I received major lectures and severe criticism, because “We know children can be trained to sit on the pew quietly. We trained you when you were only nine months old.”

Dad never allowed for a church nursery at any church he pastored, because he felt like babies need to be trained from infant-hood how to behave in church. If a parent was struggling to accomplish this, he would go back to that example of me at nine months old.

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Visions And Revelations

*WARNING: This contains material which may be triggering to some*

In the last post on my timeline, I talked at the end about how during one of the tent revival services I was asked to take the children into the house and babysit them.

The weird staring and glaring from my Mom and her best friend got worse and worse. I started to feel paranoid, like they were watching me all the time. Then, one night, I sat down to the dinner table and Mom and Dad told me that they needed to talk to me.

They told me that I was possessed by a demon. They said that during that tent revival service, the preachers (Mom, her best friend, and her friend’s husband) had cast it out of her best friend’s son, and that the demon left the tent looking for another body to enter, and came in the house and found me. They said that it was a rebellious demon that found me inviting because of the way I’d been expressing anger against wearing dresses, going to church all the time, and being taken out of public school. They said that I needed to be aware of this because it would affect my reactions to anything Godly until they could get it cast out.

Then, my Mom proceeded to tell me about all the visions her and her best friend had about me. They had a vision of me being raped due to my rebellion of wanting to wear pants (keep in mind that I was 9 at this time) and they gave me graphic detail of this vision. They told me they could see demons running around in my bedroom that were attracted there because of the demon in me. They said that my wanting to spend so much time at non-apostolic family member’s houses had contributed to my rebellious spirit inviting in the demon. They also told me the demon’s name, what it looked like, and that it was a fallen soul – a rebellious teenage girl that went to hell and became a demon. There were more “revelations”, but you get the general idea.

As you can imagine, by this point I was terrified. I was afraid to talk to my family, I was afraid to be around my little sister. I stopped going anywhere and stayed home all the time (as much as I had the choice to), and alone most of the time, wondering how many of my thoughts were really my own and how many were coming from the demon.

Occasionally Mom would “address the demon” instead of me. I’d be walking along and she’d suddenly jump in front of me and say “(Demon’s name) you want to hit me don’t you! Go ahead and slap me, I dare you!”. I didn’t know what to do when this would happen. I’d try to turn and walk away, but she’d grab me by the shoulders and hold me in front of her. I’d say “Mom I don’t know what you want me to do!”. Eventually when the ‘demon’ didn’t respond she’d give up.

Plans were being made to “cast it out”.

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Forgiveness

This issue of forgiveness is one that periodically has been difficult to discuss in our main support group. There are many who are pretty hurt and at the time they feel there is no way they can forgive.

Some have become upset when I have shared the importance of forgiveness. Some who have been hurt in a church feel the offender must come to them and admit their wrong or ask for forgiveness first before they should forgive them. I disagree. Your chances of getting an apology from spiritually abusive leadership is slim to none.

I believe that forgiveness as a Christian is not an option. Yes, that means no matter how hurt one was. Yes, that means even if the hurt was deliberate and with intent. Jesus taught that we must forgive and if we refuse to forgive, then our own sins will not be forgiven.

We could look at this subject from a few angles. Jesus did not die for just some people’s sins. He took upon Himself the sins of all humanity. He paid the full price for those sins. If we will allow Him into our lives, He washes us clean from any and all wrongdoing we did. How are we viewing His sacrifice when we refuse to forgive? Think about it. Are we saying that what Jesus did wasn’t enough? That somehow the price should be greater for some people? (Of course not us, mind you.)

With this in mind, who are we to tell anyone they will not be forgiven? We didn’t pay the price, Jesus did. We didn’t even pay the price for our own sins. If it were not for the grace of God, would we not have many sins for which we’d have to give account? Because of this, should believers withhold forgiveness from others?

Remember when Jesus told those who had caught the woman in adultery that whoever was without sin, that person could cast the first stone to have her killed, as the law allowed? There was only one there who could have started the stone throwing, and that was Jesus. We all have been in need of forgiveness. We have all been in need of mercy. Should we not then extend this to those who have wronged us?

If we refuse to forgive and desire to harbor this in our hearts, doesn’t that person yet have control or influence over us? Things like this do affect us, whether or not we realize it. Forgiveness actually does more for you than it does for the person being forgiven.

Forgiving doesn’t mean it didn’t or doesn’t hurt. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to trust the person again or renew any relationship. Forgiving doesn’t mean being a doormat, allowing yourself to be used over and over. Forgiving doesn’t mean that the person has no possible consequences to face.

Forgiving does mean it releases that person from you and also releases you from that person.

It greatly angers me at times when I see what the religious system has done to people. That doesn’t mean I hate the people in it or that I do not forgive them. Many people yet inside do things because it is all they know to do, with some parroting behaviors of others. Some have no idea how much they hurt people. Others do not realize the error they teach.

I changed during my involvement in an unhealthy church. I became judgmental and I am sure there were times I hurt people. I needed forgiveness for those things. And so do the people yet involved.

Some might respond, “Some people say, ‘Forgive and forget.’ Only God is truly able to do that. Yet, even with forgiveness, the Bible demands restitution.”

I don’t believe we are told to forget. We are human and have memories. Jesus remembered how Peter had denied him three times. Paul remembered that Demas had forsaken him. Even if we tried hard to forget, something on occasion would trigger the memory.

As to restitution, the Bible speaks of it but I don’t see where it is for us to demand. Restitution may not always be possible. For instance, how exactly does an abusive minister give restitution for giving someone a warped view of God or for causing people to follow teachings that were man-made? What about those who are no longer alive? How does someone do this when they don’t yet realize they are wrapped up in an abusive church environment and have a wrong mindset?

Doesn’t the Bible say that with what judgment we give, we will be dealt with the same? Do you not need forgiveness? Have you ever hurt anyone? Could you have hurt someone and not realized it? Would you not want that person to forgive you?

I know what it is like to have your reputation smeared. While I was in the United Pentecostal Church I had a good rep. After I left, my former pastor and some others periodically did things to try and tarnish my reputation. I have to live with the lies as sometimes you just cannot break from the cloud someone has placed over your head. Some people will always believe what they hear and never look into the veracity of what a pastor proclaims.

I learned that you cannot go running around trying to clear your name all the time. Much as we don’t like it and it hurts us inside, doing so causes us to lose our proper focus. God knows. He will not be made to believe any lies.

It may be difficult and take awhile, but we should all move toward the goal of being able to forgive those who hurt us.

Below is a video clip with a song about forgiveness. Perhaps it will help someone to realize the importance of forgiveness.

Forgiveness from Kenneth V. Jones on Vimeo.

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Why Am I Writing This?

If you’re reading this, you may have questions like these.

Why is she recounting all these bad memories?
What’s the point of rehashing all this and making it public?
Why doesn’t she attempt to make these descriptions more balanced?
Why is she dishonoring her parents?

The answer to the first and second questions are pretty much the same. The point is – these things happened to me, and I was very hurt and damaged. It was many years and lots of therapy before I was functional after leaving home. Similar things may be happening to other children as we speak. I hope that Mothers and Fathers might read these and rethink their actions with their children, and make it a point to instruct them with love, not criticism and fear. Maybe if some Mother of Father realizes that they’ve been unintentionally treating their child(ren) the same way, they’ll stop.

As for the third question, these are my childhood memories. The memories of a hurting child may not be a balanced view, but they may still be helpful in bringing someone else to a balanced view, if they realize that they’re doing this to their own children.

Regarding the 4th question, the truth is the truth. I have not named my parents or myself, so no one can read this and connect this with my family unless they were there. If I was naming them with the intention of embarrassing and shaming them, then my motive could be considered dishonorable. As it is, I am speaking the truth with as little possibility of causing a backlash to them that I can manage, and I do not see any dishonor in this.

John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

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