Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Dear Church, Part 1

Dear church: you talk about the distinction between Church, all believers, and church, a local group that meets in a building every week. Why? Where is that in the Bible? There are a lot of verses about the Church, as in all believers, but where did all of these local groups come from? We all believe in Jesus. Why can’t we get along, at least agreeing to disagree? What happened to loving each other?

Jesus told the disciples not to forbid the person baptizing because ‘he that is not against us is for us’. When was this forgotten?

I look at the various denominations and styles of churches and think of 1 Corinthians 9:

20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

The verse isn’t about various churches, but it takes a variety of churches and worship styles to reach the most people. If so, we’re all part of the same Church. Please don’t expect me to think in “us” versus “them”. We’re all believers, and that’s a really great thing.

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Love, Honor, and Obey

Traditional marriage vows in some circles. The woman promises to love, honor, and obey. In my former church, the “obey” was emphasized to the point of embarrassment in the ceremony. Supposedly the pastor was “just teasing” but it was not the time or the place, and it wasn’t something to be taken lightly or joke about. Men demanded that “their women” obey them in everything, even if it meant they must go hungry, stay home rather than going to social events, have few friends, give up their hopes and dreams, or even endure abuse.

The man promised, in the ceremony, to love, honor, and protect (or keep). If he did not do these things–if he abused her, made her go hungry, didn’t provide basic necessities, didn’t allow her any friends–he was not considered wrong, but if she didn’t obey, she was. The vows that were made by the man were very broadly defined. The vow of obedience was absolute and entire for the woman. For a month before the ceremony, obedience of the wife was emphasized. She was to obey in all things. There was no caveat, no boundary for that obedience.

About a month ago I brushed up on the memory of these ceremonies in a service where Ephesians 5 was used. “Wives, submit…” The pastor mentioned that he discusses submission and the meaning of Ephesians 5 in premarital or marriage counseling. The word ‘submission’ carries some damaging memories, but so do weddings. “Love, honor, and OBEY.”

It was only tonight that I read that in the New Testament there is nothing that says women to are obey their husbands. Children are to obey, slaves or servants are to obey, but nowhere in the Bible does it say wives are to obey. I checked. The writer of the article I read was right. It’s not there. And not one version of the Bible translates ‘submit’ as ‘obey’, either, at least not regarding wives.

I had come to a point in my former church of thinking that any woman who got married there was selling herself into slavery because of the way she was treated and regarded in a marriage relationship. The unbiblical emphasis on complete obedience may have just provided more evidence of that.

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Dear pastor: Mothers’ Day

I cringe every year in May. Mother’s Day is coming.

After years of hearing sermons about motherhood being the highest purpose or calling of a woman, of guilt trips because I’d never had a child, of thinking I was weird for not wanting children, for being humiliated by the “inclusion” of “the rest of us” by saying “Ok, all the mothers stand… now, all of you ladies stand, we want to honor all of you. If you’re an aunt, a daughter, a sister… you’ve probably helped raise a child in some way. Stand up!!” Ugh. If I could have just remained seated, but I couldn’t. And so the guilt tripping sermon about the highest calling of a woman being something I had not the least real interest in and a month or more of wondering if I should adopt or try artificial insemination just so I could be “normal” culminated in the embarrassment of standing in front of a group of my acquaintances to acknowledge I was, indeed, female, someone’s daughter, and an aunt. But not a mother.

Thank you for that day. You talked about Mothers Day from a historical perspective. I tuned you out. But you fairly quickly moved away from the mom stuff and on to a very good sermon about loving one another. You didn’t give all the mothers corsages or some gift in front of the congregation. You never pointed out which of us were and weren’t mothers. You didn’t ask the ladies to stand if they had this or that many kids or if they had this or that many grandkids. You didn’t even preach on motherhood.

For the first time in many years I didn’t regret going to church on Mothers’ Day, and I breathed a tentative sigh of relief. There was one more trial in sight, because there were candy bars given to each mother at the door on the way out. I hesitated to leave for the same reason I hesitated to come-surely this would be the moment when I would have to admit I wasn’t a mom or take the candy bar and act normal while cringing inside. I walked by the table and the person giving them out smiled, but not with any expectation or gesture to indicate I should take one. And nothing was shoved at me. No questions were asked. No one poked me and told me “Someday you will… just have faith!” Not once.

It was the best Mothers Day service I’ve probably ever been to. One where I didn’t feel embarrassed to be me.

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A different perspective on church attendance

I wrote this about 6-7 years ago.

I can go, I can help while I’m there, and then eventually I can leave. Or I can put down a few tentative roots and see how things go. The things I like about the church aren’t even really doctrinal. I like the stability–they agree on a few fundamentals and I share those beliefs. I like the friendliness, the proximity to my home, the fact that I’m accepted even if I haven’t joined and even when I blow their minds with some off-the-wall statement, the fact that I already know quite a few people from my previous job… (which is humorous. Apparently for all the rumors that I only hired people from FT, I actually hired more from this church, and had many MANY fewer problems from them!) I really like the fact that people say “thank you”, don’t push (physically or for me to do anything), and have some shared interests with me. I really REALLY like the fact that the pastor doesn’t think of himself above anyone else. No reserved parking place, even!!!

This really struck me tonight. The church I’ve been going to is a lot like what I described 6-7 years ago from a church I eventually joined. Then I left, then the pastor left, then the new pastor came and was just… proud, unyielding, inflexible… he majored on a lot of minors. In my mind he and his wife were trying to make names for themselves. It got worse over time and I think a lot of people probably left. But it was a good place to be while I was there, and the church I’ve been going to is actually better in a few ways–the preaching is better, there is more interest in study, and there’s a little more leniency in doctrine in several fairly big ways.

So this was interesting to revisit. And maybe, just maybe, a bit of comfort to me in my current decision on where to attend.

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Male strength and leadership

I’ve often been told that men have God-given, biblically mandated authority because of their greater strength. Women, we were told, are the weaker vessels. In nearly the same breath, I and other women were told to submit to this authority, this leadership, this masculine strength and power, to dress modestly, to obey whatever men told us. If we were abused, if we were not loved by our husbands, we only needed to submit more and everything would be OK. God would take care of the rest. He would deal with our husbands, our fathers, our pastors if they were wrong. We were to silently accept whatever happened in the meantime, or we were in sin.

The responsibility rested entirely on the woman or the child or the church member, even while the man or pastor boasted that he was granted authority by his masculinity, his strength. He was strong (but the woman was at fault if he lusted). He was strong (but if he didn’t love his wife it was because she wasn’t submissive enough). He was the strong one (but we were the ones expected, as women and children, to endure anything that happened). That doesn’t sound like strength to me.

How can a man be considered the strong one in the relationship if he blames everything on the other person, if the full weight of responsibility for the relationship and the man’s behavior rests on the woman, not the man? How can he even consider himself a leader if all responsibility is laid on someone else’s shoulders? Who is stronger, the one bearing the burden or the one telling her to bear it, and to bear it alone? And is there a leader in these situations? Leadership requires direction, not demand, and the best way to lead is by example.

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