Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Dear Pastor: If you were a shepherd…

Dear pastor: You call yourself a shepherd. I wonder…

I love cats. I’ve cared for well over 50 at various times. They aren’t all mine; if I see a cat that is hurt or hungry, I take care of it. That’s who I am. Would you do the same for people who attend other churches or don’t attend at all, unless you thought you’d convince them to come to your church? I can’t imagine a real shepherd seeing a lamb caught somewhere and not taking it with him back to the fold, looking for its shepherd and returning it to its flock. But many pastors won’t do that. Those that do… I also can’t imagine a shepherd realizing that lamb had been abused and sending it back to an abusive shepherd. There are pastors who would.

I love cats. But the neighbor has a dog. The dog loves to chase the cats, but I don’t hate the dog. He’s doing what comes naturally to him, and though I’ll try to deter him from the cats, I wouldn’t hurt him. Most pastors I’ve known quickly label people “goats” and push them away, even deliberately hurt them, saying it’s “for the safety of the flock.” Goats have their benefits, though, and tend to get along fairly well with sheep from what I’ve seen. So many pastors who call themselves “shepherds” unfortunately don’t know sheep from goats, and kick the ones they label goats away. I’ve never known someone who cares for animals to only care for one type of animal and be mean to other kinds. How can a pastor do that to people?

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A Meeting with a Pastor – Christian Women

When I met with the pastor tonight, some of the conversation revolved around his concept of complementarianism. He is a strange complementarian, I think. He believes that women and men are equal in Christ, but different in role, BUT at the same time, he believes that women should state their opinions in marriage and the church, should be heard (even in church), and should be respected and honored. He believes that women who are abused or neglected in marriage are NOT loving and submissive to their husbands UNLESS they attempt to stop the abuse or neglect. So he believes that the submissive, loving wife will not allow her husband to continue to harm himself, her, or their children.

He admitted that he couldn’t understand some things that were discussed in discussions such as the Truth’s Table podcast on Gender Apartheid he’d mentioned on Sunday because he has never experienced it and, though he can hear it and believe that the women speaking must have experienced something, he can’t imagine such things happening, himself.

I’m tempted to share a few things with him… some sermon clips, some discussions on Twitter, some articles that would expose him to the type of world some of us have been part of. It probably truly is a foreign concept to him. I met his teen daughter tonight, and it most definitely is a foreign concept to her. She was allowed to wander a busy Main Street with her friend. When he noticed picketers, he didn’t seem worried. He didn’t text her and ask where she was or tell her to be careful. When she walked into the coffee shop we were in, she didn’t hesitate to interrupt, though politely. She didn’t hesitate, either, to ask him for something, or to politely state again why it was reasonable when he said “probably not tonight.”

He seems to have a very different definition of submission and complementarianism than any I’ve found.

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A Meeting with a Pastor

Tonight I met with the pastor of the church I’ve been attending. The conversation was interesting. He was alright. I still don’t trust him; there were some strange twists and turns in the conversation that made me wonder if he was avoiding some things or attempting to steer me away from certain topics. But there is nothing he could have done or said that would have made me trust him tonight.

He did a lot of the talking, and he did answer a few questions. He didn’t rush or tell me time was up, which was good. He shared some of his thoughts on some things, some of what he thinks sets him apart from other pastors, I suspect, which was a little weird. One thing he talked about was why he stopped being a youth pastor: a young person was caught doing something the group considered “bad”. Rather than anyone discussing the issue with the young person, rather than it being a teaching moment or a moment for grace, it became an issue of image. “My child would NEVER…” “Well, my kid wouldn’t LIE!” And the young man learned nothing positive, though he may have learned to keep up appearances, hide his ‘sin,’ and play people-particularly his parent.

It’s an interesting scenario, and one that I’ve seen happen repeatedly in unhealthy and even healthy groups. Hide the sin, shun the sinner. Blame others for saying there might be something wrong. The opposite of grace, the opposite of love.

We weren’t told to hide our ‘sins’ in my former church, but I was definitely taught to both by example and by response if I didn’t. I’ve long since been done hiding most things; one thing I did talk about tonight was a bit of my history–not much, but a little. There are those who say not to share that history with those who don’t know it and haven’t been in similar situations, but stating a few facts is very liberating for me. And at least in this instance, revealing who I was didn’t lead to hiding or shunning or shaming, but seemed to be met with the love and grace it should be. That, at least, was good.

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Dear Church, Part 3

I was taught to look at how people were dressed and what they did to determine if they were Christians. When things got really bad at my unhealthy church and people started shunning me, I started seeking fellowship online. I ended up in a group of people who were supposedly all from the same background as me, and I enjoyed being on there.

Soon after I started fellowshipping on that discussion board, I started to realize they did NOT all believe like me… and I started making a list. Those who were “hardliners” and “conservatives” like me, people I could trust on one side, and “liberals” and “backsliders” on the other side. People I couldn’t trust, people I needed to watch out for because what they said might make sense, but it was probably dangerous.

I began my list and worked on it for probably a week. As I did, I began to realize something: those on the “bad” side of the list were the kinder, gentler, humbler people, while those on the “good” side, the ones I would fellowship in real life, were often cruel. In an online environment, where I couldn’t judge everyone by their clothes, hair, or certain actions, but it was easier to see character and love, goodness, kindness, meekness, self-control and so forth, I gravitated to the “wrong” group-the liberals and backsliders-nearly every time. They were the ones who exhibited the fruit of the spirit. They were the ones who showed mercy and love.

I threw the lists away, stopped looking at people’s appearances, and started considering their hearts. Doing so changed my world.

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Dear Church, Part 2

Dear church:

Some of you posted on Facebook, statements like “how can anyone call themselves Christian and vote for ____.” Some of you got upset when I responded that my faith in Jesus-not my vote-made me a Christ-follower, a Christian. Some of you have taken pride in standing for what you believe is right… and trying to push others to believe what you do through humiliation, name-calling, mockery, and guilt-tripping. And I cry.

You see, I did some of those things too, once. Not over who to vote for, but over even more minor things. I questioned your Christianity, your faith, because you didn’t wear certain clothes or do your hair a certain way. I questioned your faith because you didn’t believe what I believed, and I knew I had to be right. You’d have said (some of you did say) I was in a cult at that time. But now… now I see you saying such similar things, using such similar tactics for things you believe or think all Christians should do. And you don’t realize that it’s the same wrong attitude.

You don’t understand why your statements make me angry or sad, and you haven’t taken the time to sit down and think through what you’re saying. I understand how you must feel, because I spent 19 years doing what you’re doing. And repented. You rejoiced when I left that attitude behind. When I humbly accepted that I’d been wrong to be part of that and treated you like I did. It may be time for you to do the same.

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