Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

What it’s like to leave

Leaving a church affects us all differently. Some words I’ve used and heard used to describe leaving are: frightening, overwhelming, scary, freeing, confusing, sad, hopeful, and happy. The mix of emotions can be overwhelming, and on top of that there is a struggle to learn what is really OK and what isn’t, what the Bible really says about things (or whether to believe the Bible at all), who we are without the group, how to handle questions or reactions from others, where to go to church or if to go at all, and so forth.

At the same time, we often deal with guilt and shame–and anger at both of these or the reasons for them. We may feel guilty for leaving friends or family in the group, for leaving the group ourselves, and for doing things differently than we were taught. We may feel shame that we believed some of the things we did as well as shame for not believing the same things we once did.

One of the best visuals I’ve ever seen for leaving is from Tangled:

She’s conflicted. She’s thrilled to have left, but she’s worried about what her mother would think and how upset she would be. She’s scared (though that doesn’t show in this clip). She’s excited, but she’s sad too.

When I left, I was relieved, but I was also scared. I told myself I wasn’t leaving THE Truth, just that church. I tried not to question, but the questions were there… and for good reason. I was angry at what had happened and at myself for not having left a bad situation sooner. It would take time before I was comfortable with leaving… (to be continued)

Note from Lois: The first person to comment in reply to this blog and requests it, will receive a used Blu-Ray copy of Tangled.

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The outward appearance

Legalists often quote a partial verse, “man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart,” to prove they should maintain “standards” of dress and hair. This is a prime example of a partial verse quoted out of context to make a point that is nowhere near the intent within context.

In context, the verse isn’t talking about what to wear or not to, but it’s a warning against choosing leaders based on appearances:

1 Sam 16:6 When they arrived, Samuel took one look at Eliab and thought, “Surely this is the LORD’s anointed!”
7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

In reality, the verse means nearly the opposite of how it is used in performance based churches, where people too often look at the outward appearance to make judgement calls, choose friends and leaders, and determine who loves and serves God and who does not. Eliab looked like the perfect choice to the prophet. So did every other of David’s brothers. But God wasn’t interested in human achievements or appearances. Why should we think this verse indicates that we should be?

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Twisting scripture

As kids, we were playing with some neighbors. We had some cheap plastic bead play necklaces. One of the neighbors decided to twist it around and around her fingers, snapping the beads, glued to the string, together so that they interlocked and made ring-like loops. In twisting them, she wound them too tightly and her finger started to swell. She panicked, trying to get it off and realizing it was stuck. We finally got it off and she was thankfully OK. I don’t think we ever told our parents, and I doubt she ever twisted those strings of beads around her fingers again. That wasn’t the worst knot I’ve ever untangled, but it was the scariest.

The worst knot… There was a woman in our church who got a knot in her hair. Instead of getting it untangled immediately she tried to hide it while she worked on getting it out. Cutting it out wasn’t an option due to our beliefs, and so the knot grew and grew. She wouldn’t wash her hair, afraid the knot would get worse. By the time she finally admitted her problem, it was a nightmare of a 3″x5″ or so mat of hair that started just a few inches from her scalp. We finally got it untangled for the most part. I warned her to braid her hair before washing it so it would have time to straighten and no chance of tangling back up. She didn’t listen, and the knot came back. In the end a whole group of church women (not me) spent hours gathered around her while she yelped with pain, pulling at the knot and untangling it. She lost a lot of her hair in the process.

Some knots are fairly easy to untangle, but some are almost impossible to remove, particularly if they aren’t cared for quickly. When words are tangled into knots, especially when scripture is tangled, it wraps itself not around our fingers but around our hearts. Unlike my neighbor, most of the scripture twisting that binds us is not our fault or something we foolishly choose to wrap ourselves in, but rather it is bound around us by others. Some of them mean well. Others I’m not so sure. What I do know is the harm that twisting scriptures can cause.

It is very difficult to untangle the words that some weave into knots in our lives, particularly when they righteously declare that it is not them speaking, but God. Even if we know that God has nothing to do with what’s being said, if we hear it enough, it may sink into our minds. We miss some of the knots, particularly the smaller ones, and they tangle around us. And like any knot, it will be easier to untangle these words the less we’ve heard them, the smaller the proverbial knot.

Knots can be undone. It takes time. Sometimes it takes cutting a few strands. And many times it takes careful concentration and a frustrating amount of time. But be encouraged, it can be done. And with care, we can rid ourselves of the knots completely while still enjoying the threads or strands that they were woven from. The strands themselves aren’t all bad, just the way they are tied together, and the way they were used, to bind rather than mend.

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Why does it take so long?

People may wonder–*I* wonder–why it’s taken me so long to get over some things. Part of it is that I was abused in more than one church, and had been taught to doubt myself and be dependent even before that, so there’s been a lot to dig through. Part of it is that… well, think of people who were hit with a hurricane or tornado. Some sustain more damage than others.

I visualize a person who had their roof blown off looking at me, sorting through the rubble where there was once a house, now completely unrecognizable, and asking why I don’t just get a new roof. I look at them and think, ‘after this happened, I didn’t even have walls anymore. Everything was gone. YOU had a roof missing. I have a house missing. Please don’t act life my life should be just fine because yours is.’ So part of it is the amount of damage that was done.

That’s not to say that the damage is too great. People rebuild, but they will also remember. All is not lost. As many have said who’ve weathered huge storms, we survived, and we still have each other (or we still have our lives). In other words, as long as we’re still breathing, there’s hope, there’s opportunity to start over, to rebuild, to restore. Sometimes we have to start by sifting through the rubble, then slowly rebuilding from the ground up. Other times we just need to throw a roof back on, or replace a few windows.

Either way, if we’ve lived through the storm we will not be the same. Storms, beautiful, powerful, frightening, and uncontrollable, come to all of us. Some may get a couple shingles knocked off. A few branches may fall from their trees. Others… others come out of their shelters after the storm and discover that they don’t even recognize the landscape anymore. But they rebuild. They continue. They don’t move on–years later they calculate time based on the year of the storm, but they do move forward. Sometimes slowly, sometimes more quickly, all depending on how close they were to it’s center.

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Memories: a volunteer experience at church

The quotes below are from a group of notes I found recently. These are from 2001. I was asked to be part of a committee at church about five months after moving to that church. This regards what participating in that was like.

[Pastor]:

One of the administrative meetings held at [a man’s] house lasted until 1:00 am. This was on the Saturday evening of [a wedding at the church]. I understand that the meeting began late [due to the wedding] (8:00 or 9:00 I think). However, although I was very tired and not feeling well, and though [another woman there] came through she was sick, and though everyone there was… aware of these facts, we were told printing had to be completed, at [the man’s] house, that night. I raised the concern that Sunday morning at 1:00 am is too late at night; the response was that anyone who didn’t feel committed to staying could leave.

There were too many committee meetings that were ‘unofficial’ but nonetheless overwhelming which included admin committee. The response was that undedicated members could have skipped those meetings and that [the leader] couldn’t remember holding those meetings. [Someone else said that, yes, I was at the meetings, and the leader] informed me that if I was, it was without his consent. I was asked to be at that ‘informal’ meeting because I went to [the local university].

This was typical–if you were asked to participate in something you worked no matter what until the leader said you could go. If you left ‘early’ (even if early was 1:00 am), you were considered uncommitted or unfaithful or undedicated. And so we stayed and we worked, even on very short notice.

printing of programs was done Sunday afternoon and began shortly before the evening service. I was at [a friend’s house from church] when [the leader] called them and asked the to meet him at his office to print.

The event was held on the next day. We got everything printed, but we were exhausted. In following years I was told to be on the committee again, and actually traded for second shift for the three months prior to the event to keep from having to be on that committee.

Unhealthy groups are not considerate of people’s time. They expect people to do anything that’s asked of them at any minute, and they use this to their advantage. It’s harder to think through what’s happening and recognize how unhealthy the group is when you’re constantly jumping from task to task as assigned by the leaders and giving numerous hours to the church every week.

Have you experienced this in an unhealthy group? Were you pushed to do more than was healthy for you? Were you physically and/or mentally exhausted trying to ‘live for God’? Were you told you were unfaithful or uncommitted or told you just didn’t love God enough if you asked for a break or said you had already made plans?

Even God rested.

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