Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

The sacred cows of Pentecost

According to Wiktionary, a sacred cow is something that can’t “be tampered with, or criticized, for fear of public outcry. A person, institution, belief system, etc. which, for no reason other than the demands of established social etiquette or popular opinion, should be accorded respect or reverence, and not touched, handled or examined too closely.”

There were herds of sacred cows in my former church, things that I think most people knew made no sense, but that no one would question, things like:

Praying an hour, because there was a song that said “Sweet hour of prayer.” Nothing in the Bible, and most of the congregation had never even heard the whole song. They certainly never sang it at my former church. It was too slow.
Women not wearing pants because of a verse in Deuteronomy that talks about women not wearing “that which pertaineth to a man.” Why this means pants specifically and not t-shirts, denim, suit jackets, etc, which all began as things men wore is never discussed, or if it is, it is shrugged away by saying that those don’t change the profile. The same people argue that a woman can’t wear a fly in her skirt because if she’s walking behind something and people can only see from hip and up it might look like she’s wearing pants. But that fly doesn’t change the profile.
Going to church multiple times a week because “the Bible says forsake not the assembling of yourselves together.” The Bible never says that people should assemble repeatedly during the week until they are exhausted or even though they are sick.
People should not wear jewelry, because the Bible says not to wear gold or jewels or costly array. In what universe does this mean your daughter can’t wear toy plastic beads around her neck but you can wear a $300 outfit?
Women shouldn’t wear makeup because Jezebel did. Not everything wicked people do is wicked. In the same verse she arranged her hair and looked out a window. Of the three, only makeup is preached against. (And for that matter, she only put on eye makeup… not lip gloss or blush, much less concealer or nail polish.)

There were many more. Herds of sacred cows. Cows so sacred that people did all sorts of strange things to avoid not only touching them but even looking at them. There were people who wouldn’t buy watches because they were sold in the jewelry section. Most women would flinch if they accidentally touched a pair of pants on a sales rack. People would go to church sick, and others would report each other for wearing chapstick. (“It looked PINK!”) Those sacred cows… there were way too many. Dare to ask the simple question “Why?” and you could be labeled or ostracized. It wasn’t even popular opinion that made them untouchable. Sometimes it was pastor’s opinion, and sometimes it was group think.

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One of the Hardest Things

“Women shouldn’t wear stretch pants ever. They’re just trying to attract attention.”
“How can anyone call themselves a Christian and still vote for ___?”
“You don’t pray [a certain way]?!?! I pray.”
“The Bible says you should pray/study/have quiet time/worship a certain way/go to church [a certain way]….”

These statements remind me so much of the legalism in my former church. Some are prideful, revealing a person’s belief that they are right — and that they are the ONLY ones right. No other perspective counts. Others are fearful; they think, perhaps, that they have to say something because they have been taught a certain way and to believe anything else must mean that they are lost. All lack love for the other person, and all reek of judgmentalism.

How different are these types of statements from what we heard in legalistic churches? We were taught what to wear, how to vote, how to pray, how to study, when to go to church and how often, how to worship, and so forth. And when I hear these things now, I cringe. None of the people I hear these things from considers themselves legalistic or prideful or judgmental. They all consider themselves spiritual and faithful to God… and yet their words make me so angry. I left a legalistic, unhealthy church. But I can’t seem to get away from legalism. It’s in the fiber of so many “Christians”… and being around them, hearing that, makes it much harder to believe in God.

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Family Secrets

My family always had secrets. So did my church. There were things in both that were hidden, that were never to be discussed. I didn’t understand why not; they were just part of my life… normal. I didn’t know they weren’t normal to normal people. But oh, the rebuke if one of the secrets got out.

I responded to a grandparent’s question with a fact that was unexpected, and got in trouble because “we don’t talk about things like that!” But we do them, so why not talk about them? I wondered. I talked to a crisis center about being stalked. “How dare you talk about the church with those lesbians and make us look bad!” I didn’t make you look bad. I only found some recommendations for ways to make this situation safer for me, I thought.

In conflict resolution classes years later, I learned that one of the main reasons conflicts happen is because people are trying to protect their own image. And I realize that image plays an important role in abuse, too. Image. A facade, something to build and protect and defend, but not something real or tangible.

Secrets in my life were kept to protect image. Not my image, but that of the Others. The church, the family…

We lived, four people, in a two bedroom house. We weren’t allowed to lock the doors. There was never a time when I had space to myself. There was one drawer in the bedroom dresser that was for anything private of my own. Everything else… no secrets. No privacy, no place for myself. Mom listened in on my phone conversations, chats on the driveway with the neighbor kids. Don’t talk about that. I think it’s time you came in. They were just loving me, my parents. They were trying to keep me safe. Stop crying, Mary. If your best friend is a bully, just ignore her. Just make other friends. No, they must have been loving me, must have been keeping me safe.

Church made sense. They told me what to wear and taught me what to think, what to say. They made decisions for me that I should have made for myself. They were just keeping me safe. My pastor was like a dad. That made sense — dads were like that, making decisions, wanting to know everything. Families were like that–keeping secrets, looking out for themselves, telling me what to do.

They weren’t safe, not really. They weren’t healthy in the long run. And somewhere in the process of surviving and being “good”, being what they wanted me to be, I lost sight of who I was. I’d like to know.

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Spiritual Neglect

Spiritual abuse is a term we’ve come to understand, many through experience. My recent experiences have made me wonder if we should also discuss spiritual neglect.

I found no articles about spiritual neglect, no discussions about it’s impact, but it is quite possible that it is as real and impactful to others as spiritual abuse, and perhaps even more widespread. An article on emotional neglect from Psychology Today backs the possibility.

Child neglect includes the following: “Neglect is frequently defined as the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm. Approximately 25 States… include failure to educate the child as required by law in their definition of neglect.” (https://www.childwelfare.gov/)

Emotional neglect (of adults or children) includes “failing to provide emotional support that one should provide, given one’s relationship to the other… [and] emotional neglect involves neglectful omissions, that is, omitting to do things that tend to promote emotional well-being.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/)

Following these definitions, spiritual neglect might be a church or religious leader’s failure to provide for the spiritual well-being or spiritual growth of individuals. Assuming that people go to church to find fellowship and community, enjoying a safe and peaceful place to share, as well as to learn about God and worship God, spiritual neglect might include things like failing to provide sound Biblical teaching (or failing to provide teaching from a variety of perspectives–ie telling people they can only learn from the pastor), failing to be friendly to those who come, being exclusive, shunning, or being emotionally distant or uncaring to those seeking fellowship or spiritual support or guidance.

Biblical teaching includes strong teaching on loving each other, having mercy and compassion, being kind, patient, good, and gentle. People seeking a biblically oriented group of people would naturally expect these things to be displayed by the group, and not to just certain people or at certain times. When that group fails to provide these things-characteristics that Jesus and later the apostles taught Christians should portray-a form of spiritual neglect may take place.

You may read some things about spiritual abuse and think “nothing THIS bad ever happened to me.” Please remember that no matter what anyone else’s story, you also have a story. It’s not just the worst abuse that is harmful. ALL abuse is harmful, and all abuse is wrong. But even if you don’t see yourself as having been spiritually abused, you may have been hurt by a church. And you may have been spiritually neglected. Neglect is also harmful, and it is also wrong.

Have you faced or witnessed spiritual neglect? Could you add to the description above or share your story? There are people willing to listen, and I would welcome your input.

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A Modern Parable

“God, help us to love our neighbors more,” they prayed at church on Sunday. After service, they filed from the sanctuary, not smiling, not saying hello to the person who nodded at them or offered a greeting. “I’ve seen her here before. She knows other people, I’m sure,” said one to herself. “Oh, there’s my friend, I’ve got to catch him!” said another. Yet another was busily thinking of all she needed to do that afternoon, and hurried her family out the door. Several others noticed a visitor who stood out as different and rushed over to greet him — surely if they singled that one out, they’d be loving their neighbor.

The person who’d been coming stood trying to say hello to someone, and finally shrugged and left.

The next Sunday, that person’s seat was empty… and the next, and the next. “She must not have been a Real Christian,” said one. Another said, “Oh, people just don’t love God anymore,” and another responded, “It’s the last days, for sure.” Still another sighed, “Any little thing and they leave.” Others excused themselves, “Oh, we’re introverts,” “I had other responsibilities,” “She should have done more,” “If she’d only stayed longer, sooner or later she would have had friends, I’m sure.”

Who was the person’s neighbor?

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