Author: AJ Demers | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Social Media and Stupid Platitudes Part 1

Have you ever just shaken your head in disbelief or had to restrain yourself from commenting on Really Bad Theology on Facebook? I know I have, and unfortunately on more than one occasion. It’s really hard to hold it in when you see people expressing stupid platitudes that don’t help the situation or only make things worse.

Here are my top three seen recently:

God never gives you more than you can handle (personally, I think this one has contributed to more than one personal faith crisis)
Heaven needed another angel/heaven gained another angel (lousy theology, IMO, and often not that helpful for the bereaved)
So-and-so is in a better place (this can open up more than one can of worms if the bereaved is struggling or if their relationship with the deceased was troubled)

The first will be dealt with in Part 2, and the last two will be dealt with in Part 3. Here, I’m going to tackle some suggested coping strategies when some of the ideas people express really get you down:

Pick your battles wisely – some people just express these ideas because someone in their family came out with them and they lack the Scriptural foundation to question them, so debates are likely to get you nowhere. Using the option to hide the status update or tweet in question on your feed will probably save you a lot of frustration.
Don’t be afraid to invoke the “my news feed, my rules” principle – if you don’t want people posting stuff to your FB timeline or retweeting stuff you find objectionable to you, stand your ground. Let everyone know that if someone posts something to your feed that is offensive, you’re within your rights to delete it.
Enforce your own boundaries – setting boundaries is always good, but at its most effective when you make it a point to enforce those boundaries. If someone in your life keeps expressing ideas that trouble you on social media and filtering their stuff out isn’t quite working, taking a break from their drama might be in order.

What it comes down to is that we can’t control others’ beliefs (and indeed, we shouldn’t try), but we can control whether toxic beliefs of theirs become a source of annoyance.

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Spiritual Abuse, or Insensitivity?

Back in 2011, my CelticAnglican’s Ramblings/Hanging by a Thread blog saw an interesting comments discussion that I thought I’d like to share. There’s a little bit of context-related explanation coming, so please bear with me.

I posted about what individual congregations can do to help make visitors coming from spiritually abusive backgrounds feel more at ease in a setting that was probably very different for them. One long-time member who no longer attended services shared that she felt that certain changes to how the Sunday service was done and no longer using the older type of service were abusive.

This gave me a bit of a pause because here I was addressing the struggles of Christians coming from cultic backgrounds and a visitor had a vastly different understanding of spiritual abuse. I did encourage her to discuss her concerns in another thread and hope that she felt that having a chance to talk about what had bothered her was at least therapeutic.

However, I did make a judgment call to treat this visitor’s church issues as something different from the spiritual abuse I’d written the post about. Undergoing the public humiliation, shame or harassment that so many others on this site have detailed over the years is a very different thing, IMO, from not wanting to attend services because of the music style, using You/Your instead of Thee/Thou in prayers or passing the peace.

I seriously doubt this lady had been called an apostate or told she was going to hell for disagreeing with liturgical changes. Striking that careful balance between understanding the needs of spiritual abuse survivors and understanding the needs of those not attending church for other reasons is important, I think.

Church members are far from perfect, and there are enough among the walking wounded to serve as proof of that. There are some people who are simply not going to be happy with anything new or different – several groups that have split off from other denominations are perfect proof.

However, this doesn’t mean that people who stop attending because of change need to be written off. If the Church as a whole is to be one of Christ’s instruments of reconciliation in the larger world, maybe we need to remember those a little closer to home, too.

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Woe to Me or Woe to You?

Last Sunday’s readings used in many liturgical churches included 1 Corinthians 9:16-23. In all honesty, what sticks out for me the most when I encounter this passage isn’t anything I associate with something preached from a pulpit. Rather, it’s a heated online exchange that I was involved in shortly after getting online and discovering the world of Internet message boards (I guess I’m dating myself here).

In 1998, I was in high school and frequented a site called The Student Center geared towards high school and college students, which is now defunct. There were some interesting discussions there, and I even made an online friend I’m still in touch with. There were also some true “live ones” there, too.

Having been raised nominally Episcopalian and confirmed as one, my exposure to fundamentalism had been very limited. This board had attracted several evangelical and fundamentalist posters who were very militant about belief in a pre-millenial rapture and dispensationalism. There were also a few posters affiliated with a college campus ministry who were very adamant about pushing a need for a personal conversion experience that attacked virtually every expression of faith besides the ministry’s own.

I wasn’t going to lightly take being told I was a hell-bound apostate for not being a pre-millenialist or that I was lost because I wasn’t affiliated with their ministry. After taking so much of that, I told them why I didn’t buy into their thinking, and the message board literally lit up. Most others stayed out of the fray altogether or were at least curious about different views, but a few persisted in keeping the back-and-forth going.

Back then, I had a lot less restraint in dealing with difficult people online than I do now. Part of what worsened the overall encounter was when one of the posters accused me of having a “warped theology” and proclaiming “Woe to you, IrishLass, you are not preaching the Gospel.” Whoa, who, whoa – wait a minute people! – whose Gospel are you talking about?

I think this exchange was a classic example of proof-texting and taking a verse WAY out of context. These message board posters equated the Gospel with their own sectarian beliefs about the end-times, not the universal message of grace and reconciliation. Were I to encounter these people again, I would be glad to remind them of the words of John 3:16-17 and Romans 8:31-39, among others.

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I’m Religious? That’s News to Me

This might seem a little lighter than most of my previous posts, but it brings up an important issue that I think many of us can identify with. Does the popular convention of “religious” really say a lot about what goes on in a person’s mind or heart, or whether others’ assessment of their spirituality really nails it? My off-the-cuff answer to this would be “No,” and here’s why I believe that.

A discussion on Facebook in the last year or so took an interesting turn when it turned to politics (sigh…yes, I know what people say about discussing religion and politics, but it just kind of crept up). The person who is definitely on the other side of the fence from me politically made a comment roughly to the effect of “I’m not as religious as you, but…” before going on to justify a position that I found reprehensible. After reading this comment, my initial thought was “I’m religious? Really? That’s news to me.”

The OP is Catholic and seems to have missed the memo that non-Catholics are not subject to the worship, doctrine and discipline of the Catholic Church. Even more importantly, they seemed to be focusing most of their perception of religiosity on things that were more outward. Too much focus on the outward really seems to be a disease that infects much of Christianity.

Yes – I was baptized and confirmed in the Episcopal Church. That is where I customarily attend, although I am not an every Sunday attendee. My Facebook feed contains likes, follows and group postings from TEC and other like-minded organizations.

However, these things alone say nothing about my spiritual state or whether my beliefs conform to those that some see as being representative of all Christians – I am a member of a specific group but don’t personally consider myself religious. A very common way of thinking is that “Because I’m a Christian (or “religious person,” etc.) and believe X,” all other Christians must also believe X.” That way of thinking can be annoying at best and downright destructive at worst.

Being considered “religious” says nothing useful about a person, it merely says that they identify with or hold to the beliefs of a certain religion. James 1:27 makes a case for “good religion”: Pure religion and undefiled before our God and Father is this: to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. (WEB) Are those who use their beliefs negatively against others keeping themselves unstained? – just something to think about.

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Keeping the Peace: Will It Drive You Mad?

I think many of us probably feel as though being a “peacekeeper” is nothing to feel blessed about. It seems like the holiday season, in particular, brings out the very worst in people. How can you cope when you’re dealing with the stress that often comes with this time of year, combined with people who might be carrying about a lot of baggage that they aren’t coping with very well?

I’m not a mental health professional, but I’ve found there are a few ways to cope that make a lot of this easier. Hopefully, these tips will be helpful no matter where you are on a spiritual journey or where your loved one is:

Pick your battles wisely – Sometimes it’s hard to avoid walking into a verbal hornet’s nest, but sometimes there is plenty of warning that one is there. If you’re dealing with a loved one who seems easily set off, watch for the warning signs that they’re itching for a verbal sparring match so you can avoid discussion.

Avoid the temptation to have to have the last word – I’m very much a work in progress myself on this matter, but I’ve found it helpful in dealing with verbal “boxers” who thrive on conflict. Sometimes it’s not worth the wasted time or resulting migraine.

Draw a line and ENFORCE it – Some people just need to be told that you won’t discuss certain issues with them – period, end of discussion. One of the major things here is spotting ways they might try to use “wiggle room” to try to force discussion of the forbidden topic – you’ll need to treat these the same as you would any other boundary violation.

Don’t try to sway them – It’s frustrating to see people holding certain views that are making them and everyone around them angry and dysfunctional. However, remembering that you aren’t any more likely to convert them to your way of thinking any more than they will convert you to theirs will save you a lot of frustration.

Do damage control as needed, for your own sake – Some people continually engage in rude, thoughtless behavior despite your efforts to be nice and avoid any conflicts. Depending on the severity of the behavior, you might need to consider cutting contact, restricting their access to you on social media, etc.

Don’t feel guilty – Some insecure people will try to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries and act like you’re the bad one. Remember: No matter what their story is, you are not responsible for everything that’s happened to them, and they must be the one to choose to deal with their issues – you can’t do it for them.

Amen?

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