Category: tithing | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 4

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least five blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. The ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group as well as one from the IFB. Each person is separated between using and not using quotation marks. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See also Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

Only a robot could come through what we’ve all been through unscathed and without a myriad of mixed emotions, regrets, issues and more to unpack and sort through.

For a very long time, I have been contemplating whether or not to share my story on here, but I feel like it’s time. My biological father joined the UPC when I was around 13 years old. We believe he has bipolar disorder and the structure and strict nature of the church catered to his mental processes. As I got older, I began to realize how warped everything was. He would comment on the size of my chest and say that I needed to “work extra hard to be modest.” He would financially manipulate members of the congregation and our pastor in order to get what he wanted, and since he was a big strong man, everyone feared him.

I specifically remember one night I made him especially angry. I was talking too much, and women are to be seen and not heard. Five years later I was diagnosed with ADHD so it was truly out of my control. He took me by the forearms and threw me against a wall, giving me a concussion. He took away my phone so I couldn’t call for help. But it was all okay because I was “disobeying the Lord so I needed to be punished.” I was so scared for my life that I contemplated climbing out my second story window to run and get help. The next day, I tried to tell my youth pastor about it and all he told me was that I didn’t have the marks to prove it. This wasn’t the only time. Many times I would go home to my mother’s house with bruises, fat lips, and other injuries. He spanked me until I turned sixteen and left. Quite soon after joining the church, my bio father became involved with my babysitter, a woman from the church who was eighteen years younger than him (whom I despised). He told me he was going to marry her. That was the tipping point.

Three years later and many blocked numbers, emails, and a name and address change, he will still occasionally show up at my work or find a way to contact me. I work at a Texas Roadhouse in Wisconsin, and I see a lot of people from my old church come in. Almost all of them have tried to get me to come back. I would tell them what my father had done and no one ever believed me- up until one day, when I was sweeping my section and Jennifer happened to be in the section over with her husband and recognized me. We ended up talking for at least an hour about escaping UPC. It was so great to have someone who not only believed me, but understood what I have gone through.

I guess my message here is that it does get better. I used to go into full blown mental breakdowns when he would show up at my work. Now, I have the ability to have him removed from the premises (I’m so thankful for my managers) without the bat of an eye. I have a stepdad who has agreed to legally adopt me as an adult and loves me more than anyone else has. I have a new family through him, and I have this group as a wonderful support system. Because of the UPC, I developed Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s now being treated, and I feel more in control of my future. The church no longer affects me, nor has any power over me. I am grateful to see members from my own former congregation in this group who knew him and the trauma he incurred. After I left I realized just how much the church enabled him, but they didn’t win- we did…..

The stories never end. I always cared for my mother, who lived on $780 in social security, I paid for her phone, medicines, often groceries, etc. And still, the pastor told her, she needed to find a way to pay tithes and offerings.

Sick men, who shopped at Sacks 5th, all family members drove BMW’s, and they made a little lady with $780 who couldn’t afford to live, support them.

My issues happened in an IFB church with a cult-like family. I am STILL IFB.

1. The Bible is now filled with landmines and concepts I’m now terrified of. Prayer is the same way.
2. I was called a harlot for being interested in the man who is now my husband, and it still crosses my mind if I didn’t marry the wrong person because what if I didn’t wait on God and I just married the first person that liked me back, as I was accused of.
3. I would go into full-on panic attacks when a man walked into my place of work passing out tracks
4. I truly thought it would be better for everyone else around me if I was dead. I caused problems for the wife because her husband was always cutting things off because of things I did. And I couldn’t get him to stop. He wouldn’t stop, but for me to back out of the friendship (cult) would hurt her so deeply….it would have been better for me to die….but I couldn’t do it
5. I’m currently unable to handle the idea of the calling that God has called us to (missionaries) because of triggers….but then again, my (future) husband and I were told that with women that had emotional issues like I had, may never make it to the field……..
6. I’m afraid I will never be where I should be spiritually and that God has/will just put me on the shelf…and that that will affect my family

I was yelled at for hours by a man who we had deemed was an authority in my life since my parents weren’t Christians. He had me do chores in his house to keep me away from his wife because he thought I loved her in a sexual manner. He wanted to keep me away from his teen boys because he accused me of fantasizing about them throughout a church service (even forced me to “admit” it once), but he wanted me to spend as little time at my parent’s house because they weren’t saved, and thus a bad influence. He accused me of looking at the billboards and forced me to stare at the back of the seat with my head down when in their vehicle, yet insisted on inspecting every article of clothing that I wore. He told me to burn a skirt… I still remember it was black with little blue flowers and green leaves… because it was too short. It went to mid calf when sitting. He told me to get rid of my heels because they are prostitute shoes, and certain shirts (that his own wife bought me) because he decided they were too tight. What’s strange about it? Goodwill is still a trigger. His wife took me shopping before Bible college and I had several outfits that were fitting for a homeschooler going to Bible college…but those times were special. When I see Goodwill (etc), I think of those times and they hurt…. Then it triggers the anger of what her husband did. But it hurts deeply and I can hardly set foot in a Goodwill without panicking, 10 years ago this summer.

I remember the summer after freshman year… Six days before I was supposed to start courting the man who is now my husband… The man convinced my (now) husband to break things off. I was broken that summer…but I wasn’t supposed to contact any friends from college because they were a “bad influence.” There was to be no contact with my now-husband, though the wife (my friend/mentor) contacted him to find out how his dad was doing since he was supposed to have quadruple by-pass surgery. The man, Randy, assumed that I had made contact with my (future) husband. He berated me over and over again, hurling threats of things he would take away or things he would do that would make my life miserable. At one point…he called my future husband and started berating him. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door….lights off, I huddled up on the floor against the door and sobbed…. He was calling the man I loved, the one I wanted to marry but knew I had hurt so deeply… Now Randy is tearing him apart, causing him more hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.

It was later that summer that they broke me enough to the point that I had decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship and maybe this wasn’t the man I’m supposed to marry. The only reason I was allowed to go back to Bible college was because I thought I wasn’t ready, the wife had contacted my future husband and he said he wasn’t ready, and that there was a good chance he wouldn’t make it back sophomore year right away due to finances.

My husband too went broke due to the UPCI and his ex wife’s beliefs that were drilled into his head from a young age. She was paying thousands of dollars a month into the church to “build” her and her parents status in the church, but the bills at home weren’t being paid on time and he was laid off from time to time due to work flow! We are free from that church now, nothing has struck us down, and almost five years later the bankruptcy that the “Church” put them in is finally paid off next month! We still tithe to our current church, but not for any other reason as we budget it and it’s not out of our reach!

Part Five.

Finances: Church or Family?

In my over 25 years of being involved in abusive churches, one theme seems to be common in almost all of them. Regardless of doctrine, they all sound identical when it comes to money.

I attended churches where tithing was taught as mandatory for believers. We were told that the tithe came first before all things – bills, taxes, child support, mortgages, and any other expenses. Malachi 3 was drilled in our heads and we were told to never rob God of His portion. The pastors and teachers always differentiated between tithes and offerings. We GAVE offerings, and PAID tithes.

One United Pentecostal Church evangelist shared a story where a single mother who barely made ends meet asked for counsel. She asked the evangelist whether she should pay her mortgage instead of her tithe since her income didn’t afford her the means to do both. His response was loud and clear: “I would rather miss a house payment than to make God angry because He wasn’t put number one!” To this day I don’t know if that woman ever got her financial situation fixed.

As one of the faithful men, I made sure my tithe was the first thing I paid. For over 20 years all seemed to be well; my military career was pretty successful up until I retired in 2005. My first couple years working civilian jobs went the same way. Good income, tithes paid on time. Bills and other expenses were on track with funds left over. Then, disaster hit.

In late 2007 my marriage began to fall apart, and in conjunction with that my finances took a dive. I was left to clean up a nasty mess left by my wife, and it drove me to bankruptcy. I went to the UPCI pastor at the church I attended for help and guidance as my dreams of marriage and family crashed and burned. The pastor’s first question was “Brother, why did you stop tithing?” He was quicker to ask that than to offer direction in trying to save my marriage. I didn’t know what to say.

Looking back I am appalled at the pastor’s priorities. When pastors and preachers tell parishioners to choose between tithing and family, it places a believer in a no-win scenario: pay the bills and be guilty of robbing God, or pay the tithe and be guilty of not providing for one’s household. Either way the believer loses, and that’s a terrible place to be. No pastor worth his or her salt should ever spiritually extort a believer like this. In my experience I even saw a family lose their home to foreclosure despite being faithful in their tithing and giving. To the best of my knowledge, the church never offered to help this family keep their home. They ended up relocating to another state and eventually found another church.

This is one reason why I have trouble now trusting church leadership. The leaders live luxuriously like kings while congregants exist in poverty. The tithe, one meant for the Levites (nowhere is it mentioned for the New Testament church), basically pays the preacher’s salary and the “Sunday Morning Entertainment.”

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Surviving the ‘You cannot be saved if…’ Gospel

I am ever amazed at the litany of ideas men will conjure up in God’s stead, ideas of what God requires and what God hates, things not found in His Word, His Handbook, nor inspired by His Spirit, yet, and ironically, the legalists cling to their rules & regulations as if it was a child’s safety blanket, living in fear of what monster stares at them, waiting for them to peek out of the blanket. Why is that?

And how do you survive the Ye cannot be saved if… Gospel, and come out with more faith and joy in the Salvation of the Lord? Go at it God’s way, through His Spirit.

“Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?” – Acts 15:10, KJV

What is this yoke that Peter speaks of here? The Law of Moses, known now as Legalism, or living by the Law. The Old Testament rules and regulations. Note the importance of the Apostle Peter’s words, when he said, ‘neither our fathers or we are able to bear.‘

Not even the Jews, under the law could bear the full brunt of what that meant! How then do we suppose to be able to continue being under that yoke?

Well, we aren’t, we are now under the dispensation of Grace, under the Mercy seat of Jesus Christ and washed by his blood, justified by His Spirit.

Well, then why do we continue being led by wolves in shepherds clothing to the altar of sacrifice, to have the blood of Christ shed over and over again by our many works?

“Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.” – Mark 7:13, KJV

In my Oneness Pentecostal background and experience, a very common phrase was, ‘Don’t come peeken out from under the blood…’ That blood being the safety blanket of legalism, and they instilled fear in the children of God like frightful stories parents tell their kids to enforce obedience.

The Council of Jerusalem (Legalism)

Acts Chapter 15 is a timeline and narrative of the Church leaving legalism. They continued with circumcision (the main focus of the council) for the Jewish converts, and we later see Paul circumcising Timothy so as not to offend the Jews during their missionary travel.

As a matter of fact, until Acts 18:7 Paul made his primary mission the Jews, as did Jesus, and His Disciples. Their target audience in the Gospels and early church was only Jew. But the apple that upset the cart was the Gentile bride. And in Acts 15, the Jew and Gentile church collides. (Matthew 10:5-6, Matthew 15:24)

And certain men which came down from Judaea taught the brethren, and said, Except ye be circumcised after the manner of Moses, ye cannot be saved. – Acts 15:1, KJV

The Jewish people clung to Moses’ law, even after becoming believers in Christ. It was ingrained into the fiber of their being, their culture. To be circumcised, was to be Jew. And this starts a chain of demands legalists will make, and it didn’t end with circumcision, but the whole Law of Moses.

But there rose up certain of the sect of the Pharisees which believed, saying, That it was needful to circumcise them, and to command them to keep the law of Moses. – Acts 15:5, KJV

You cannot be saved if…

Man made up rule after rule, after endless and sickening rules of what will keep you from Heaven. The Bible has a very short list, and yet man compounds, expounds and creates his own mini-Kingdom of God, a kingdom God doesn’t want.

What is a glaring hypocrisy is New Testament (Grace) preachers continuously using Old Testament covenants as Law for us today, such as making them equal to the requirements for salvation.

What list did God give us?

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. – Galatians 5:19-21, KJV

What list has Man given us? (Pentecostal slant)

Cutting ones hair (women) or wearing makeup, jewelry, dying ones hair, tanning
Wearing shorts, short sleeve shirts and certain hair styles
Watching television, movies, concerts, ball games
Facial hair on men
Give your money to the preacher (10%+, tithing is NOT for New Testament Christians.)
Cussing or using euphemisms (dang, darn, sheesh, etc)
Drinking of any form of alcohol

The list is endless and nauseating. Yet, how does it compare to Scripture, especially the Acts 15 Council of keeping of Law?

Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances, (Touch not; taste not; handle not; Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men? – Colossians 2:20-22, KJV

Known unto God are all his works from the beginning of the world. Wherefore my sentence is, that we trouble not them, which from among the Gentiles are turned to God: But that we write unto them, that they abstain from pollutions of idols, and from fornication, and from things strangled, and from blood. – Acts 15:18-20, KJV

Forasmuch as we have heard, that certain which went out from us have troubled you with words, subverting your souls, saying, Ye must be circumcised, and keep the law: to whom we gave no such commandment: – Acts 15:24

Surviving the you cannot be saved if… Gospel is as easy as obeying the true Gospel.

The church forefathers, the Apostles decreed to whom we gave no such commandment:, thus, any ‘preacher’ that commands you to obey law after law and commandment after commandment is not working under the guidance of the Holy Ghost, the Word or God. They are working for their own agenda, and their own ideals, and their own kingdom. Not the Kingdom of God.

The tragedy to these types of churches (spiritually abusive churches) is the scars that are left behind, the judgmentalism that will be ingrained, perhaps the loss of faith, despising of God, His Word, or his true ministers and people.

A wolf in shepherds clothing can train wreck the spiritual connecting that was meant to be shared between Man and God. Jesus said he came to be the mediator between Man and God and yet power hungry, authoritarian men (and women) have stepped in and declared themselves the mediator.

If your leader or church structure is full of demands that simply cannot be found in the Bible, then you are under a false yoke of commandments, and law, and not under Christ. Your survival depends upon you grasping God’s word, leaving the unhealthy environment, and clinging to the Gospel of Grace, and Love, and Mercy.

“Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do. And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition”. – Mark 7:7-9, KJV

“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” – John 13:34, KJV

“If ye love me, keep my commandments.” – John 14:15, KJV

“Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” – Matthew 22, 36-40, KJV

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22, 23

God Bless!

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More on “I got to have your money” Financial Greed

A couple years ago I sat one evening around a camp fire reminiscing with a young man (we’ll call him Ryan, not his real name) that I knew from the United Pentecostal Church that I had left almost 30 years ago.

I had worked in a factory job with Ryan’s Dad and served with his Dad in our church in ushering duties. I believe his Dad might have been the head usher. We’ll call him Bill (not his real name).

Bill was what the pastor called one of them chronic seekers. Rarely missed an altar call. Bill would be the last to leave the altar, walking away with defeat in his eyes. No matter how hard Bill prayed or long he prayed, no matter his hours of service given and no matter how much Bill gave financially, he could never seem to please God enough for God to save him. Bill lived under the condemnation of the “never good enough gospel” that so many struggle with in sick churches like this one.

Something happened in time with Bill. I feel some of it was brought on by living in such a state of mind that you constantly feared you were lost. Heading for a burning eternal hell.

I’d guess Bill was in his 50’s, healthy in his physical body. But his mind began to slip. He’d from time to time be admitted to a mental health institution.

Bill and wife had always been one of our churches most generous givers. I think in part Bill may have been trying to earn that holy ghost tongue talking experience that had alluded him for years, with giving way beyond our required tithes.

Sitting around that campfire that evening with Bill’s youngest son, Ryan, he shared with that one time his Dad had gotten some better and came home from the mental health hospital.

Bill had been laid off from his factory job. No money coming in. Car payment and house payment going out. Groceries to feed his wife and two boys were getting more difficult to pay for. Bill goes to see the pastor of our growing UPC church. Bill tells the pastor he wants to donate some money to the building of our new million dollar church. (This is in the mid 1970’s.)

The next day Bill’s wife, after having been told by her husband, of what he done, goes to the pastor. She asks why, why did you let him do this? You know he’s sick. You know he’s out of work. You know we have nothing left to live on. The cupboards are bare. WHY? Please give it back.

Now who reading this, could believe that FINANCIAL GREED could be so strong in someone. Someone that was supposed to be watching for the good of your soul.

Could you believe that he told her he couldn’t just give it back. He’d have to ask the board.

I told Bill’s son, Ryan, I was on the board at that time and this is the first I have ever heard of this. To my knowledge, the pastor never asked or told the board of this.

The money was never given back. THIS IS SPIRITUAL ABUSE.

Ryan doesn’t attend church anywhere regularly. I could understand if he hated God, preachers, churches and the people who fill the pews. But he doesn’t. I think he loves God. I think he’s come to realize the God that we were taught to FEAR (for lives and soul) was a false misrepresentation of God.

In the New Testament, as I understand it today, God requires one thing of you to be saved. He does not require works. He does not require a certain percentage of your finances. If you think he does, please just google ‘tithe‘ and read something and learn for yourself.

God’s only requirement for your salvation does not and can not come from you. What God required came from his Son. Jesus paid it in full. It is finished.

Just as Abraham believed, that is all we need to do. Read of Abraham in Romans 3 and 4. Read it with your mind open. This was NOT Paul telling only tongue talking believers how to Stay Saved as the UPC teaches. This was Paul REMINDING Christians HOW they GOT SAVED.

Reminding them just as he scolded the Ephesian believers. Believers who thought what they did or what they gave impressed God.

He reminded them how THEY GOT SAVED: Eph. 2: 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

Even the very faith that saves us is a gift from God. It is not our own.

Shalom. I thank God I am free at last.

Selfish greed

I was just 19 when I came to faith in Christ. Married a beautiful young Christian girl a few days before I turned 21.

My wife and I were heavily involved in just about everything going on at our growing mid western United Pentecostal Church. Our involvement plus being in four services a week consumed us.

We were faithful givers. Paying tithes plus another 10% was pretty much required. I have no doubt we invested over 20 hours a week to the ministries we were involved in.

I had served in the military so I had GI bill to help me with college. I wanted to be a teacher. I knew I could not carry the load we carried at church plus work my 3rd shift factory job and go to college.

I scheduled a meeting with pastor to discuss what I wanted to do. Quit my full time job, take my GI bill benefit and go to school full time. My wife worked, we didn’t have any children yet, so we figured we could make it financially.

This is what I was told by my pastor. “No way. You can’t quit. I can’t afford to be without your tithes.”

As a young and dumb new believer I submitted to his will. We of course, were taught that to not submit was rebellion. Rebellion was as bad as witchcraft. I didn’t want to go to hell.

I think I could have been a great teacher.