Category: submission | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The UnBoxing Project: Racquel’s story

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 7, 2015 as part of a series.

Continued from Why did you call it the UnBoxing Project?

Content Note: religious manipulation, forced starvation

*Eleanor and Racquel hiking the Incline near Colorado Springs in fall 2013. | Photo: Eleanor Skelton*

Racquel grew up attending the First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs, now known as Heritage Pentecostal Church. This is Racquel’s story, in her own words.

Somehow I never imagined that the inner peace and joy I felt as a 5-year-old girl after being filled with the Holy Ghost would later disgust and scare me.

I am writing this because I believe my voice should be heard. I hope that by telling my story it will help my healing and others with similar stories as well as prevent more stories like mine from happening.

The music was loud, and the atmosphere was pulsing with energy.

I wanted to show how much I loved God, so I went up to the front of the sanctuary and danced with all my might, letting my tears flow. I had been taught that I should dance before the Lord and not let anyone’s opinion stop me.

Often, I was the first one or the only one at the front of the church.

This was good. It meant I was a leader, and that I was fighting spiritual warfare. It would also show my pastor, who was God’s voice in my life, how my walk with God was and what a good apostolic young person I was.

I remember night after night where this was my mindset.

*Racquel (far left, wearing an orange dress) speaks in tongues on the front row during Heritage Youth Conference, fall 2011. | Photo: First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs*

I was isolated from other members of the youth group because I would refuse to do things that the pastor had commanded us not to, like riding in a car with a guy unless it was approved or unless a married approved chaperone was in the car.

However, there were also the many, many times where I sat or knelt at the altar, weeping and feeling the guilt of my many sins when I simply failed to uphold the standards because I had listened to unchristian music, watched a TV show, or could not stick to a daily prayer life.

For years, I went through a cycle of getting in trouble with my best friend, Ashley, for questioning the pastoral authority and why we held to some of our standards, sometimes completely disregarding the rules, and then being told that my best friend and I should not talk or hang out because our personalities did not complement each other.

Meanwhile, I stood by as she was abused in so many ways by both the pastoral authority and her parents. The only thing I could do was be there for her.

In January 2013, my best friend and I had come to the conclusion that we did not and could not agree with the church. However, we were discovered yet again and ripped apart.

This time, the pastor lied to both of us, trying to turn us against each other by saying that the other one had ratted us out.

At the direction and guidance of the pastor, Ashley’s parents were punishing her for not losing weight because it was said that God could not use her unless she lost the weight. Because of her inability to meet their demands, she had begun starving herself.

I texted her one night in compassion and frustration that she should “F*** (written politely as $@##) what they think” to drive home to Ashley that starving herself was not the answer, and that her parents and pastor were wrong.

During one of the long sessions in the pastor’s office after getting caught, I discovered the pastor had hacked into my best friend’s phone and found my text.

I was questioned about my lack of respect for authority.

My hands were tied as I seethed in anger not able to tell the pastor the context of the text, lest the abuse she suffered would increase, because the pastor was part the abuse.

Back then, Ashley was too scared of losing her parents and being kicked out to do anything other than play along with them. When she was 19 years old, her parents and the pastor stripped every form of communication, transportation and even her ability to go to college from her.

She was not even allowed to be alone in her own home at any time.

Racquel (far right) singing in the choir. Apostolic churches consider leading worship to be a privilege called being “on the platform.” Anyone who questions authority or church beliefs may be removed from the platform as form of social shaming. | *Photo: First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs*

In March, the deception worked, and the pressure finally broke me to the point that I gave in and did exactly as the church and the pastor wanted me to do. I felt helpless and that the reason for these crazy feelings must be because I was not submitted to them.

I continued to not talk to my best friend and tried to force myself into the mold they had created for me with my approved Christian friends and guilt-ridden prayer life.

I still had all of the same questions.

Why must a man my pastor dictate to me what God wants and God not talk to me directly? Why must I not be allowed to talk to my best friend who was still the most important person in my life?

How could so many injustices and abuse be what a loving god wanted?

So when my little sister decided to leave suddenly and move in with a guy I had never met, and I had no idea were she was or if she was safe, when my approved friends failed, I reached out to the one person I knew who would be there: Ashley.

Within two weeks of resuming secret communication, we had both discussed in detail what we saw wrong with the church, and had stated that no matter what we were going to keep communicating, even if it had to be hidden.

10553500_802766489755823_1022764128682957679_n — Ashley, Eleanor and Racquel in August 2013 | Photo: Eleanor Skelton

Almost immediately, she started to date a coworker.

On December 15, 2013, her dad followed her to her boyfriend’s house, and that night he kicked her out.

I received a text that said: “They know everything can you come and get me.” I immediately drove to her house and picked her up.

After that, we stayed in Eleanor’s apartment. She had also recently escaped an abusive fundamentalist home.

There has been a lot of healing and learning since then and now. Learning to live outside of the box has not been easy, nor do I think it ever will.

I now have the wonderful freedom of choice, and with that comes what I would describe as both the beauty of a rainbow and the burden of the rain cloud.

Making these choices is the scariest and most exhilarating thing that I have ever done. I have learned and accepted more of who I am.

I can only hope that healing will come in time, and the scars will become less painful.

Racquel graduated with a bachelor’s in psychology from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs in May 2014. She struggled with undereducation from inadequate homeschooling and Christian private education in her church throughout her time in college. Racquel hopes to pursue a graduate degree in counseling and mental health, and her current job involves assisting troubled teens.

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The narrow way

Trying to describe submission to someone tonight, I first thought to describe our submission to God, which isn’t asking God what our every move should be… and then I realized that’s EXACTLY what I was taught in the United Pentecostal Church that submission to God was. And submission to the pastor. So of course I would think that submission to a husband would also be that. However, what we were taught about submission to God is probably very wrong.

When I was maybe 7-8, a Sunday School teacher drew a line on the floor in chalk. She told us to walk the line. When a foot slipped from the line, she said “Oh! That’s the devil!” Every time a foot slipped off a chalk line. But in reality, God doesn’t have us walking a chalk line. The narrow way isn’t that narrow.

God doesn’t want puppets. He doesn’t want to direct our every move. His “will” isn’t about us praying whether we should take a certain job when we don’t have one at all, or about getting a certain feeling when we pray about whether we should buy a car or a house or take a vacation. His will is simpler than that — his will is that we live, and live fully. “That we might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

So how do we submit to God? Through faith and confidence and hope and trust. “In whom we live and move and have our being…” We live. We move. But in God… maybe in much broader parameters than we were taught. Submission is not about always doing what someone else wants, about asking what they want and then doing whatever they direct. One of the things that God wants is that WE live. That includes, I think, doing things that we enjoy and that we want to do (as long as those things don’t intentionally harm ourselves or others).

So how do we submit to God? By not deliberately doing things that we know are wrong, things that would make him sad. And if that’s how we submit to God, then it stands to reason that’s how we would submit to others as well, keeping in mind that in a healthy relationship, we don’t make someone “sad” because we don’t do everything they say, especially if what they direct hurts us or others. In healthy relationships we are not asked to do things that hurt us or others, nor does either person in the relationship deliberately hurt the other.

What I was taught about submission to God, parents, pastors, and others was very, very incorrect.

IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)

Waiting anxiously to speak with her pastor’s wife, Debbie paces back as forth, heart pounding, and thoughts racing through the altercation with her husband the night before.

Surely, Jennifer will be annoyed by me bothering her again. He gets so angry though. I do not know what to do. But what if Mark finds out I am talking to someone about what happened?

Her pastor’s wife, Jennifer, laughs contagiously, chatting about the joys of shopping with little children in the cart, reaching for various products on the shelves until they tumble down into piles on the floor.

I make sure to do the grocery shopping on my own when Mark is at work, hoping it will take some of the load off his plate. Maybe I need to make more of his favorite meals. I do my best to make sure dinner is prepared when he arrives, but it has been difficult to keep the house tidy with four little children, ages four and under. Last night was one of those nights. Maybe if I wake up at four instead of five, I will have more time and energy to clean the way he prefers.

Debbie sighs. A young teenage girl catches Jennifer’s eye, excitedly asking questions about modesty standards and where to find dresses that are modern but do not draw a man’s eyes.

I have already tried learning better techniques for eye shadow and applying lipstick and I even went out and bought the more expensive brands, which only made Mark angrier. I fix up my hair in curls and apply the make-up every day like Jennifer suggested, putting on my best dresses for him with heels. But it just isn’t enough. Maybe he prefers a different style?

Jennifer finishes conversing with the young lady and invites Debbie to join her in the pew, realizing that she has been waiting for an extended period. Holding back the tears, Debbie confides to Jennifer about Mark’s explosive temper last night over the food not being completely set on the table and the sink not being empty of dishes from the day. Debbie knows her husband works long hours at a stressful job site to provide for the family, but even the little things seem to set him off. She shows Jennifer the fresh bruises on her arms. Concerned, Jennifer puts her arms around Debbie, knowing first-hand the pain she endures day-to-day.

“I’m so glad you came to me,” replied Jennifer. “Your hair and make-up look wonderful, and your dresses are modest but beautiful. Have you tried making yourself more available to him in the bedroom? He needs to know that you are willing to be an attentive, submissive wife, and being physically accessible to him at any time would help relieve some of his stress after long days away from the family. A godly wife needs to build her husband’s confidence, but you cannot do that if there is even a trace of bitterness in your heart. If there is, you need to make that right with Mark before asking God’s forgiveness and then ask for His help to be a better help-meet to your husband.”

Tragically, calling the authorities over domestic abuse is one of the last resorts, if not significantly discouraged, in mainstream Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. The most common form of counseling is directing the wife on how to be a more attractive, subservient, and fulfilling help-meet, and only minimally instructing the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. The end-goal is sending the woman back under the submission of her husband as quickly as possible. Though appalling, the patriarchal system that extends from IFB churches to the homes of their congregants creates the perfect set-up for hidden, long-term abuse through intense isolation, extreme spiritual expectations, financial dependence, silenced cries for help, and the heinously corrupt system of handling trauma and abuse.

Intense Isolation

As “Keepers at Home,” women are expected to balance caring for multiple children and home, while their husbands provide for the financial needs and required manual labor. Pastors intensify these expectations by preaching God’s command to Noah to “Go forth and multiply.” While not associated with the Quiverfull Movement, this idea is quickly permeating into IFB churches around the country as a growing number of pastors advocate against the use of birth control or preventative methods, harrowing “I realized I did not love children as God loves children” and “I want to have all the children God has for me!” Large, growing families, living solely off one income, are forced to be without their husbands and fathers for days or weeks at a time while they work eighty to ninety hours a week, sometimes even out of state, leaving mothers practically alone to raise countless little ones from newborn stages to adulthood.

Because of this, the majority of the mothers’ friends, if not all of them, come from church services and fellowships. They are further isolated solely to their homes and church families because of messages against the dangerous influences of family, friends, television, and social media on their husbands’ vineyards, preventing nearly all outside thought or persuasion. A timid and likely uneducated, married woman with the strain of multiple children is of little threat when dependent upon the husband’s income, filled only with countless hours of studying Christian homeschool materials and Sunday school lessons.

Extreme Spiritual Expectations

A former missionary wife, now pastor’s wife, recently taught a group of missionary-wives that the virtuosity of the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman is not limited to religious circles but is exemplified in women in certain third-world countries. Because of this, she concludes that even the lost can be virtuous, and thus, the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman, also known as the Virtuous Woman, is the bare-minimum standard in God’s eyes. Because of twisted views of this passage, wives and mothers are expected to learn the intricate, time-consuming practices of sewing, crocheting, knitting, craft-making, and decorating on top of their usual household chores and daily homeschool program. Where better to put those skills to use than to make specialized, modest clothing!

In terms of appearance, wives must balance between keeping their husband’s attraction while being held responsible for, or while assuming responsibility for, not drawing another man’s attention to any aspect of their bodies, whether through dress, make-up, or jewelry. Following late nights of sewing, crafting and cleaning, women are still expected to rise early for Bible reading, study and prayer, in order to joyfully instill Biblical precepts into their children throughout the day, without complaint, “Just like the Virtuous Woman.” Sadly, any regular sharing of the responsibilities of child-rearing and house-work between the husband and wife marks a wife non submissive and and the husband less-than a man, leaving the burden entirely on the woman.

Financial Dependence

Pastors encourage husbands to take a man’s “rightful place” over the finances, not considering individual weaknesses and strengths, often leaving women completely helpless after the men pass away, ignorant of their financial standings. Take a mother of six children, educated through Bible college, now clueless about the amount their family spends each month on the phone bill, even indifferent to the fact that she does not even know her family’s mobile carrier. Imagine a woman whose husband cannot hold a job, but even with a steady occupation for a few months, he writes the tithe check with varying amounts every week. She does not understand why it fluctuates with two fixed incomes but encourages herself to trust the man God has placed over her without question. Lamentably, these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. Women are taught it is acceptable and godly to be ignorant of the finances, trusting in and submitting all of it to the leading of their husbands as heads of their households.

Silenced Cries for Help

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph 5:33).

“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land” (Prov 31:23).

The wide-spread view of authority in the husband-wife relationship in IFB churches involves a scenario where the man lords over his vineyard, the woman in complete subjection to the husband without argument or complaint unless his commands go directly against the Word of God. Women may express their opinions by making “godly appeals,” but are to otherwise remain silent after a man decides, cleaning up the aftermath in the lives of those affected, still honoring and uplifting the husband’s actions. A woman’s speech pertaining to her husband is only permitted to be respectful and reverential, severely limiting disagreement or varying opinion, except in extreme cases of abuse and wrong-doing. Even in these situations, speaking-up is frequently viewed with disdain and regularly discounted based on the man’s public testimony.

In the secular world, degrading one’s spouse privately or publicly is considered detrimental to a marriage and though the same is equally true in Christianity, IFB churches place the greater burden of silence on the women. Remember the pastor’s wife who says that a wife should never say anything negative about her husband to God? If a woman cannot even go to God, how much more does this fallacy apply to speaking to other men and women? The same pastor’s wife believes an abused wife should be sent back under the subjection of her husband. Pastors encourage women who are verbally abused to pray for their husbands and ask God to aide them in being a better help-meet, while those who are physically abused are admonished to never involve the authorities, despite the immediate danger to their families. Above all, a wife must be careful not to speak ill of her husband to anyone lest her speech impact her husband’s reputation in the ministry or hinder someone from accepting Christ. She is to go home, be a living-testimony to her husband as a godly, submissive wife, and pray not only for God to change his heart, but to help her love and forgive, that bitterness not take root in her heart. This silencing, under the preface of humility and honor, fashions the final piece of the overriding theme of male dominance and control, allowing domestic abuse free-reign in the home.

The Perfect Storm

Stepping outside onto the wooden porch, the warm summer air is dense and suffocating, blustering upwards from the south, blanketing the heavens with a familiar yet disconcerting green hue. Soaring eagles feel the chilly shift and instability up above, frigid air billowing in from the west. But in between lies a third layer of dry, burning heat, allowing the warm air below to rise in temperature, establishing conditions for the perfect storm: an F5 tornado with the ability to span up to two and half miles wide, indifferent to the unlimited destruction in its path. Through the innocent desires of Christians to please the Lord in their marriages, canopied by man’s need for dominance and control, men blindly lead their willingly-submissive wives into abuse’s strongholds of vulnerability and entrapment.

What is a woman like Debbie supposed to do with an abusive husband like Mark? Anyone outside the church walls recognizes the need to get the authorities involved, keeping detailed records and escaping to a safe-house or woman’s shelter, but hindering a husband’s reputation or arrogantly stepping out from under his God-given authority is considered disgraceful and scorned. Those necessary lines of protection are blurred within the IFB movement, encouraging biblical counsel through the limited psychological study of a pastor, rather than through a trained, experienced professional. Debbie is isolated to her home with friendships limited to her like-minded church family, she has no college education, and has been out of the workforce for fifteen years. Not only is she undesirable to employers, she is clueless about her financial standings and what money might be available to her for sustainability as she considers her and her children’s escape from her husband’s destructive temper.

If she confides in a pastor, few may advise reporting the abuse, but others may bring the husband into the room for questioning and counseling, creating a greater tension and danger when the family arrives back at home. Alternately, some are encouraged to ask God to search-out their own heart for what may be hindering their marriages and fueling their husband’s anger, taking a “wait-and-see” approach. Sadly, those are just the ones that dare to speak the truth against the status-quo of solely uplifting their husbands, whether they be right or wrong. Others continue silently in the abuse, justifying the verbal and physical beatings day by day, striving to be a godly submissive wife, while some never fully awaken to the cruelty they endure. The standard Independent Fundamental Baptist arrangement for leadership and submission in church polity, as well as the home, though usually starting from the pure desire to do right, creates the perfect storm for long-term, hidden abuse in families throughout their churches..

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps”, typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

“About Tornadoes.” Weather Underground, www.wunderground.com/resources/education/tornadoFAQ.asp.

IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)

Curling up under the dense burgundy comforter, black embroidery swirls nauseatingly across the threads in intricate array, adorning the California-king sized bed in romantic wonder. The once mouth-watering aroma of garlic-butter strip steak and smooth, oven-baked mashed potatoes infiltrates the bedroom, seeping repulsively through the tiny crack peering from underneath the slender door. Oh, no. Not again. She bolts off toward the bathroom, wrapping her arms around the large porcelain bowl, her pregnant body revolting against the sandwich she managed to choke down at lunch.

Exhausted after nearly two months of forceful vomiting and fainting spells, hospitalizations and intravenous fluids, Erin longs for the promise of second trimester bliss without the debilitating round ligament pain shooting through her waist and thighs. As she stumbles back to bed, her hair falling disheveled across the tiny pillows, misshapen from excessive use the last few months, a delicate card on the night-stand catches her eye. Two days ago, after work, her husband, Rick, slipped into the room while Erin rested, gingerly laying a letter next to her dimly-lit lamp, “I’m looking forward to having some fun with you tonight!” Please, Lord, not again tonight. I love him dearly, but I barely have the strength to shower in the morning, much less be romantic. I know I committed to being available whenever he needs me, but the other night was horrific. I simply want to sleep.

Despite the enhancement in her marriage and the closeness she felt the first month, intercourse has been excruciatingly painful since the beginning of pregnancy. She forces herself to push down the tears, but the last few times, she could not hold them back any longer. Tears stream down her face until her husband is satisfied. I gave him permission. I made the commitment. It is for our marriage. Lord, forgive me for being rebellious and wanting to have control over my own body.

Erin lays back down and allows her eyelids to close, hoping for only a few minutes of slumber to calm her queasy stomach. Suddenly, a familiar hand caresses her thigh as moist lips press tenderly against the side of her neck, carefully traveling up toward her ear. Lord, please give me the strength to please my husband.

God created sexual intimacy to be a beautiful expression of love between a husband and wife, but when man corrupts a time of greatest vulnerability in marriage, the possible damaging impacts are infinite. Tragically, certain Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches apply the teaching of a woman’s submission to the marriage bed, an idea coined “sexual obedience”. While I have never been personally subjected to this heinous practice, my husband and I have visited IFB churches greatly injured by its adherence.

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (KJV 1 Corinthians 7:4-5).

According to Biblical Gender Roles, an anonymous, Protestant harbor of extreme marital standards, the Bible commands a mindset starkly contrasted to common Christian practices today, one where the wife subjects herself to being physically available whenever the husband has sexual needs or desires. When addressing Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood, the author states,

“A wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body… a wife can humbly ask for a ‘delay’, or ‘raincheck’, but only for legitimate physical or psychological reasons and the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband”.

Wynter’s Story

I rarely deny my husband sex of some kind. (I say no sometimes: I’m not perfect) …

I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband and would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business and he is now taking the steps to do it…it’s like a totally different man.

I will say though that this has not been without sacrifice on my part. I used to work nights, but I changed my schedule to be available to him in the evenings, so I make less money than I used to. I also gave up some activities so I can rest more. A big part of my problem before I started this was I was tired all the time and was too exhausted for sex.

But, also, and you’re probably not going to like this: it’s been difficult emotionally because I don’t like giving up control. Honestly, I’ve had to fight my own rebelliousness. Sometimes when he approaches me, I’m tired and lazy and just want him to leave me alone. Sometimes, I’m distracted and don’t want to drop what I’m doing. I don’t know how to put it, but it has been difficult to not have my way on this. That’s been the hardest part. I like being 100% in control of my body and now I have to make sacrifices, so, yes, it’s been difficult. Sexual obedience is a way of life. It requires a whole different mindset. My husband’s needs and fulfillment take up a lot more real estate in my brain now than they used to…”

In The Benefits of Being a Sexual Obedient Wife, Wynter is encouraged after making herself available to daily sexual intercourse,

“I think it is great that you recognize your own rebelliousness and your desire to control your time and your body. At the same time though- don’t beat yourself up. Recognize your sinful inclinations and then give those things to God…”

The author continues to admonish her to maintain being sexually obedient to her husband and to “realize that your sexual obedience is not just to your husband- but truly it is an act of worship to God himself for all he has done for you.” Sounds very similar to the teachings of Jack Schaap, the disgraced IFB pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, currently serving a twelve-year sentence for molesting a sixteen-year-old girl in his congregation!

The anonymous author reassures Wynter that her convictions are a testimony for other women, and that “keeping your husband well-fed sexually will not only benefit him in his endeavors outside the home, but it will benefit your marriage and your family by giving him the increased energy he needs to take-on life’s daily tasks.” Under the implication of supporting their husbands, women are expected to save energy often expended in secular occupation for their sex lives, teaching “Underneath Every Great Man is a Great Woman.” What better way to manipulate a woman into never denying intercourse with her husband than to teach that always affirming his needs will aide him in being a more confident and effective, provider and father! Alas, this anonymous author reminds his reader of the childhood song, “Obedience is the very best way to show you that you believe,” additionally applying it to situations of abuse.

One reader responded to his article, “Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood,” by explaining how her husband of nine years continues to have intercourse with her during pregnancy even though it is painful, assuring her, “It will only take a few minutes, and I’ll be quick.” As the wife states, “it never stopped.” The husband continues sexual intercourse with her while she is reading a book or even when she is crying, leaving the wife to “feel like his whore, or his piece of trash.” The remainder of her cry for help involving drinking to endure through sex and even into the boughs of depression can be found in the article, “Is My Husband Raping Me?”, a question to which the author responds, “It is IMPOSSIBLE Biblically speaking for a man to rape his wife. Abuse? Yes. Rape? No.” He then shifts the blame onto the wife:

“If he convinces her to yield her body to him, then no sin has been committed on his part. But it is very possible that even if she yields to him- there is still sin on her part. If she acts disgusted by him and acts like he has no right to have sex with her- then the sin lies squarely in her court.”

The icing on the cake is when he answers if the husband should go to counseling with his wife, the man responds, “Yes, I believe he should, but they should see a Christian marriage counselor that will exhort her to do what she should as a Christian wife and perhaps then can lead her husband to Christ in the process.”

Yet another corrupt facet of the various IFB views of leadership and submission, sexual obedience demands an off-setting of the balance God created in the marriage bed, the most sacred aspect of marriage. Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians emphasizes the wife’s body belonging to the husband AND the husband’s body belonging to the wife, a decree demanding mutual respect and mutual submission, not a supposedly Biblical-basis for male dominance in all aspects of sexual intimacy. God never requires His bride to follow Him, but rather waits patiently knowing man is but dust. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it, not to demand her obedience to fulfill his every desire.

IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)

“The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” (Titus 2:3-5 KJV)

Is it not a wonderful picture that pastors paint? This beautiful, modest young woman with children running around her immaculately decorated house while she dusts, joyfully singing hymns as her feet glide gingerly down the hall? One of my favorite scenarios is from a lecture where a woman had deep frown lines on her face from the stresses of working a secular occupation, but when she obeyed God’s principles, becoming a stay-at-home mother, the lines suddenly disappeared within a few months, revealing a cheerful smile and glow! If only it were that simple.

According to IFB churches, being a “keeper at home” typically requires living off the husband’s income as the mother homeschools the children, instilling a specifically Biblical foundation, all while managing home-cooked, nutritious meals, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, scrubbing, dusting, diapers, potty training, bodily fluids, and still sacrificing to stay home with puking children so her husband can receive the Word of God. These women fulfill their “God-called duty” by isolating solely to church and home, taking themselves out of the workforce for a minimum of eighteen years and accruing the emotional burden of being solely responsible for their children’s development and education, keeping their homes pristine for visitors at any time of day, preparing multiple meals, and being presentable to their husbands, makeup and all, by the time he arrives home with dinner on the table. Their children must walk as ducks-in-a-row outside of the home, and all the wives’ duties completed with a joyful, grateful heart, lest a rebellious spirit finds a stronghold, destroying their marriage and their husbands’ ministries. How preposterous of IFB churches to base entire lifestyles and doctrine on three words in a verse, claiming to “rightly [divide] the word of truth”! Titus 2:5 exhorts the aged women to teach the younger to be “keepers at home,” but not before God rebukes a man for not keeping at home.

“Yea also, because he transgresseth by wine, he is a proud man, neither keepeth at home, who enlargeth his desire as hell, and is as death, and cannot be satisfied, but gathereth unto him all nations, and heapeth unto him all people” (Habakkuk 2:5).

How peculiar that without this verse, a “keeper at home” is a home-maker or at stay-at-home mother, but immediately after men are introduced into the picture, the description quickly becomes “one who spends time with his or her spouse” and is not a busybody. Suddenly a “keeper at home” is equivalent to 1 Thessalonians 4:11, “And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business”, not to be idle, busybodies, and tattlers (1 Tim 5:13)! IFB churches take a warped view of the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman, “God’s bare-minimum standard for godly ladies and wives”, to establish women as house-wives, sewing late hours into the night, toiling in the kitchen all day, and being a testimony to their husbands in public. What they neglect to emphasize are the maidens she employs (Prov 31:15) and how she considers a field and buys it herself (vs. 16) with the product of her own labor (vs. 13). How strange it would be in IFB churches to recognize that the woman considers the field herself, and buys it with her own money, rather than asking her husband’s permission to use his income.

While greatly under-emphasized, God gives women the ability to use discernment not just within the family, but in the outside world, even in secular occupations, to provide for the well-being of their families. If women were truly less than men, God would never have referred to “wisdom” as female. In Proverbs, Solomon says “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her” (Prov. 4:6-7). If women are truly the weaker vessel intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, why does God use a woman, specifically a mother, to teach King Lemuel how to identify a virtuous woman to marry? Nowhere in the Bible does God command women to work solely from home, but He does desire for husbands AND wives to keep at home. Both men and women can be drawn away excessively through friends, hobbies, work and activities, leading to neglect of the children and home, and leaving the other spouse longing for love and affection in other places. Despite God’s rebuke in Habakkuk, however, allowing women out of the home is often met with frustration and disdain because it does not fit perfectly in the IFB mold of a woman’s place under the man. Just yesterday, we heard yet another pastor say, “The Bible is clear: a woman’s place is in the kitchen.” These ideals, though seemingly honorable and acclaimed to place women on a pedestal, create the perfect storm of long-term, hidden abuse.