Category: fear | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Decades — kicked out, walked out, simply out

I realized tonight that I’m reaching two anniversaries, not just one. In December 2009 I walked out of my former church. But what I don’t often think about is that in 1999 I was being “sat down” and nearing a time when I’d be kicked out. Around this time 20 years ago I was begging God to let me stay in a very unhealthy, spiritually abusive church, and around 10 years ago I was walking out of another.

A lot has changed in 20 years. I am no longer afraid of not attending church. I rarely go. I’m no longer afraid of pastors’ disapproval, of hell, or of what a church will think of me. The fear that if the pastor disapproves he can prevent me not only from attending HIS church but others like it no longer bothers me because… well, really, why would I choose to go to an abusive church “like his” or attend a church where the pastor even thinks it IS his church? More than that, I no longer – and haven’t for some time – cringed every year in January and February, wondering what would happen THIS year, remembering that one… the one in 1999, then one where I was convinced I was going to hell because the pastor was abusive.

At the same time, I also no longer celebrate like I did in 1999, 2000 and the years following. The first few years, I had multiple Christmas trees, lights, music, movies… I wore myself out with it and that was probably a good thing. I needed to make that time positive in my mind. This year, though, I haven’t even decorated yet. My job changed a couple years ago and November and early December can be exhausting, but I also don’t need something to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have a need to make the season positive, because it is, whether I have no trees or four. (I also have a very destructive cat, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of decorations.)

It was hard. Every year gets easier. I should have left 20 years ago. Actually I should have left more than 20 years ago, because the man who kicked me out did a lot of damage, and not just to me. Looking back on it all from ten years or twenty, here are some things I know:

Though I would have run back to the abusive church if I’d known then where I’d be now if I left, I’m so glad I did leave.
Things were a whole lot worse in the church I walked out of than I ever knew when I left it.
I’ve met a whole lot of people with love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, meekness, and self-control whom Christians would condemn. These have become friends. They aren’t perfect, but they are accepting and they are considerate and respectful of others, and that’s encouraging.
The best way to witness to non-Christians may really not be telling people “I’m a Christian” repeatedly… actually that may be one of the worst ways to witness… it may push people away rather than make them more interested. Particularly if the one saying they’re a Christian doesn’t particularly act like one.
A whole lot of what I was taught was wrong… isn’t. As a matter of fact, some of what I was taught was wrong is really simply normal.

Leaving was hard. Especially being kicked out. At least walking out I had anger to motivate me and I could prepare myself. At least I chose my moment and I rejected them, not vice-versa. At least I had some supports in place when I walked out. I was also older and more aware of some things. It didn’t make it easy. Leaving is always hard. But staying would have been impossible.

Happy anniversaries to myself.

Why Am I a Baptist?

Sitting cozily on my bookshelf at home is a recorded message entitled, “Why I Am a Baptist.” This common lesson is harrowed from pulpits across the country, stirring up the hearts of listeners in their pews. Shouts of “Amen!” and “Glory to God!” resound through the usually quiet buildings and halls of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. Through James Carroll’s The Trail of Blood and John T. Christian’s The History of the Baptists, young, independent, fundamental Baptists are taught the value of their Christian heritage: a remnant of believers of “like-precious faith,” called by various names throughout the centuries- Donatists, Anabaptists, Puritans, Separatists, etc.- all heinously persecuted for their stance in believer’s baptism.

This “trail of blood” or common chord is delicately traced back to the time of Christ. That notion, however, is as equivalently ludicrous as concluding that any person who often consumed rice is of Asian descent and culture, or that anyone who, wrapped his head in a turban is part of radical Islam. (Side-note: men that wear turbans are Sikhs, not Moslem, but that is beside the point.) Nevertheless, in order to begin looking at the mind-sets of the majority of IFB churches, one must begin with noting the baseline doctrine of Baptist churches, commonly coined, “The Baptist Distinctives,” as outlined in the following acrostic:

Bible as Soul Authority of Faith and Practice
Autonomy of the Local Church
Priesthood of Every Believer
Two Church Ordinances
Individual Soul Liberty
Saved Church Membership
Two Church Offices: Pastor and Deacons
Separation of Church and State

Growing up in strict IFB churches and attending a well-known IFB Bible college in the southeastern United States, my husband and I are both well-acquainted with the Baptist Distinctives, and, unfortunately, with the legalism and obligations. As our family has just recently left a once-balanced but now spiritually-abusive IFB church, we have been forced to re-evaluate our understanding of biblical expectations and what is considered healthy in a church for the protection of our family. As we consider the requirements for a church home, we are finding that most of those requirements are standards, not doctrine. Therefore, today, I want to pose the question, “Why AM I a Baptist?”. In order to answer such a loaded question, we need to look at the standards and status quos of the majority of IFB churches that will be addressed in more detail within the following weeks:

Patriarchy in Church Polity and Home
Rigid Music and Dress Standards
Idolization of the Preacher and Absolute Power
Discouragement of Individual Thought Outside of Established Ideals.
Extreme Sensitivity to Natural Sexual Affection

Not exactly the typical Baptist acrostic, but this one seems to be more appropriate: P-R-I-D-E. Baptists take a dangerous level of pride in their Christian heritage, staunch standards, and convictions, claiming to be the only church that rightly divides the word of truth, condemning anyone who dares to disagree. Their arrogance creates a cult-like environment where questioning is only encouraged with the goal of conformity, instilling unity through fear within the congregants.

Why AM I a Baptist? I’m not so sure anymore, but this may be the start of my family leaving the IFB movement. I hope this series provides the information necessary for families seeking shelter from the abuse or just enough light to open the eyes of those still inside.

*Disclaimer* Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps”, typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

Constance’s United Pentecostal Church Experience

Below is what one woman experienced being raised in an unhealthy church, how it distorted her view of God causing her to become angry and bitter, and how she has been recovering since leaving. I have added some commentary after it that deals with the standards.

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Here are the facts/reasons why I left the United Pentecostal Church organization when I was 19 years old after being brought up from birth in the same church/organization.

I left as an angry and bitter teenager. I left thinking God (if there was one) was far too unobtainable. He appeared to be angry all the time and was looking for ways to keep me out of heaven. No matter what my parents said to me, it was never enough, it would never heal my broken spirit from all the manipulation and control and mean things that the oppressed members expressed towards me. I hated that they were so devoted to a man that always seemed angry and mad. There were so many things that I could not understand as a young person that I just couldn’t stomach it. I would lay in bed and dream of the day I was old enough to leave.

I hated feeling scared to go to church that he (the pastor) just may call me out because he could read my mind. I felt like I was always being preached at because I am sure he could tell that I was growing cold more and more. I just didn’t care about the people, I thought they were all foolish and weak. They couldn’t make decisions on their own. It was a little church that never grew. One person came in, two were leaving. Most didn’t stay. Only the weak would stay. Asking if you could go on vacation or take a job that would cause you to leave the church for another one was not acceptable. You were always told that it was out of the will of God. Just who did they think they were to tell you what the will of God was or was not for your life? Was it for the money? If your family left that would leave a big gap in the financial stream.

I got so tired of being told on to the pastor by one woman in particular if my hairdo was not holy enough or I curled my eyelashes or… the list goes on.

I so wanted to have a normal life as a child. I wanted to be involved with the outside world but I was so fearful because everything was wrong. I finally came to the resolve that I was just a bad person and that God couldn’t love me and stayed in constant fear that God would come and I was certainly going to Hell. I loved bling and beauty and I hated that I had to look like everyone else and think like everyone else and act like everyone else. I didn’t want to look frumpy, I wanted to have my own personality.

Why can they now do the very things that were forbidden when I was a kid? I remember watching TV at the neighbors (some after school program). I was sent home, scolded and had to pray in my room for an hour to ask God to forgive me. I was so fearful because I was told I would have to tell the pastor. Now they can watch TV, go to movies, go to concerts etc. All the things I wanted to experience was forbidden. What happened? God changed his mind? Did he say, “Pastors, it’s okay as long as everyone pays their tithes and all the other offerings”? Hmmmm not sure about that……

My step son went to a concert and on the way home was in a terrible car accident and the pastor told him that God did it to him because he was rebellious. Really? That same pastor years later had tragedy strike his family and I had always wondered what happened. What was God punishing him for? Oh it wasn’t punishment. I believe now that it rains on the just and the unjust. I don’t feel any ill feelings towards this man, I just feel bad for him that he actually felt this way. (I’m not sure what he feels now because people on his board at the church go to movies, concerts etc.) By the way, my step son is an atheist now.

I never really dealt with the pain that this church caused me. The only way I knew how to deal with it was by being angry. That seemed to help me. It wasn’t until eight years ago that I was in a business meeting for leaders when I heard a speaker that was a Christian teaching us about leadership. I would usually get up and walk out. This time, I couldn’t, it was like I had weights in my behind. I just sat there listening. I totally got what he was saying and something changed in my heart.

You see, when I was little I tried to be a perfect little girl for Jesus. I loved him, I wrote to him in my diary, I wrote songs to him. Then I realized that he was demanding and wanted to see me go to Hell and that is when everything changed. I knew I could never be good enough, I could never please him. I felt when I was created God must have made a mistake. I just couldn’t be like everyone else. I was told that I was rebellious etc. I was so tired of being told that I was bad, not good enough. I think back, I was a pretty good kid that had a little OCD and just wanted to be perfect and excel in everything.

When I got married to my husband we made a vow that we would never go to church except for funerals and weddings. He, too, was a former UPC survivor. We made that vow and all was going great. Then here we were at a weekend event for leaders and we are now listening to this man speak and our hearts actually opened to receive what he had to say. Long story short, we both wound up receiving Christ into our lives in a new, fresh and beautiful way. It changed us on every level. No, we did not do anything like we were taught in the UPC ways and yet God transformed our hearts.

What I have noticed is that even though life is good, there is still residue from my old life in the UPC. I don’t really care what others say or feel about me, but I did care what God felt towards me. I am sorry to say that I had felt that God hated me because I was different from them. I wanted more, I didn’t want to be judgmental, I didn’t want to be like them in any way. When I am with my family I stick out I am sure, but that’s okay. The hard part is, they try so hard to include me but I feel at times that they don’t know what to think. They see I have a walk with God but it’s not anything like what I was taught. I am sure this is confusing to them and that makes my heart sad at times.

What I have learned is this, what matters is what God thinks of me and He is pretty crazy in love with me. Do I have battle scars? Yes. Am I still recovering from a brainwashed life of manipulation and control by man? YES. Will I ever be free from it? YES, not sure if it will be in this life… but I know one thing, I don’t want to be old and bitter so things better change soon because time keeps ticking by…lol. Seriously, not bitter but still dealing with being wounded. My advice, don’t cram it down and pretend it never happened, deal with it and move on.

That’s all for now. My heart tells me that God has something very special for those that have been thrown out for being a rebel, misfit and uncontrollable by religion. Jesus is the same Jesus that walked the earth and He was quite the rebel in the Pharisee’s eyes. He came to give us Life and give it more abundantly. He didn’t come to judge but to love us. If we can only grasp what that truly looks like.

Thank you for listening/reading….

Be Blessed,

Constance

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There are some in the United Pentecostal Church who erroneously believe that the organization now allows the viewing of Hollywood made movies and television programs. This misunderstanding arose when they removed the ban on ministers owning a television set in 2013 and also dropped two position papers (video restrictions and technology) and added a new one on the use of media. I have heard that some ministers almost immediately went and purchased a television set after this change, though some had already been using it for years.

While some individuals and even licensed ministers have taken these changes to mean that things previously prohibited are now permitted, the UPCI has NOT changed their stand against them. The Articles of Faith still state what they have for years: “We wholeheartedly disapprove of our people indulging in any activities which are not conducive to good Christianity and godly living, such as theaters, dances, mixed bathing or swimming, women cutting their hair, make-up, any apparel that immodestly exposes the body, all worldly sports and amusements, and unwholesome radio programs and music. Furthermore, because of the display of all these evils on television, we disapprove of any of our people having television sets in their homes. We admonish all of our people to refrain from any of these practices in the interest of spiritual progress and the soon coming of the Lord for His church.”

In the UPCI Manual, it is made clear what ministers may and may not view when it comes to the use of media. Article VII, Section 7 and 29 states, “The use of all media technology must strictly be limited to educational, religious, inspirational, and family content that is consistent with wholesome Christian principles. No minister shall use television or other media technology for the purpose of viewing worldly, carnal and unwholesome media; endeavouring to maintain a Godly atmosphere and influence in their lives.”

So while some ministers, churches and church members have let down on these standards, the United Pentecostal Church still states that they are against such things.

Hearing God After Spiritual Abuse

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

Wow, God seemed to talk a lot to my leaders in my Christian cult! Shockingly, His divine messages seemed to focus on how I missed it, again, and how I needed to be better in every way before He could use me at all. On top of that, God apparently had a lot to say about every aspect of my life, including where I was allowed to apply for a student job (unfortunately “He gave” to each of the two leaders contrary words of wisdom), how long I could attend work meetings, or when I was allowed to visit with friends and family.

Looking back, I can’t tell the flags from all the red anymore but back then I swallowed it all in whole. Needless to say that when my years in the cult were over, I desired to find truth. For years I carried crippling fears with me, fearing I would take the wrong turn in life and even committing to a vacation, buying tickets, etc. caused severe anxiety. What if God would cancel my plans last minute like “He” had done so many times before?

In this video I am sitting down with David Johnson, author of “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse“, and we’re candidly discussing how a person can develop from carrying a sheep-mentality to a child of God-sheep, following the voice of the good shepherd. We are called to follow someone and it turns out, it will not be a person in front of us but a voice that can be found on the inside originating from God. If we hand over the responsibility of and for our lives to someone else out of fear to make a mistake and displease God, boy what a loss and misunderstanding of the grace of God working in our lives!

Disclaimer; we have no quick answers or fixes, all we came up with is that it will take time and mature people to help us grow to get in touch with our true self, the place where God can connect with us, and it is all about His love for us and everyone else. I hope this will bless someone!

Bon voyage, fellow traveler!

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse

Many people I know were actually born into a spiritually abusive environment. While I’m unaware of any official studies done on the effects of spiritual abuse on children, I do have training about the effects of physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse on the growing child. I also have access to a wide variety of studies that have been done on the effects of neglect on children and their development.

When we think about a newborn infant, we often think of a “clean slate”, or an unmarred human being that is ready to take in any teaching or influence from the environment around it. Leaders in spiritually abusive environments are also aware of this. Many of them begin to mold children from birth, building a relationship with them that often makes them very sensitive to the control of the leaders in charge. This results in adults who are extremely loyal, will brook no ill word about the leadership, and will help to carry on the twisted ideas that they have been brainwashed to believe since birth.

Make no mistake, these spiritually abusive environments do not form in a vacuum. There are very powerful relationship dynamics that occur to keep these environments in play, and without forming the deep relationships, they could not continue to perpetuate the pain that they cause. The relationships have several dynamics of dysfunction that enable them to become the controlling factor in such environments.

First of all, the relationship is often built on deep feelings of sentiment and belonging. The leadership fully accepts and loves the child, for the infant is without choice and perfectly designed. It is a “blank canvas” that the leader is free to work with, and by wasting no time getting attachment going, further control is virtually ensured.

There are several types of attachment styles that infants form with their primary caregivers, but that is a subject for a different article. Here we are simply discussing the church leadership beginning to form a powerful attachment with the infants within their congregation.

If the parents remain in the group while the child is growing up, very quickly all parenting resources and advice come through the church leadership as well. In this way, the leadership of the church becomes the final say and the main authority in the child’s life, as well as forming the emotional attachment that brings the desire to please.

In addition, in many of these groups, the parents are encouraged to homeschool the children, or to place them in a private church school run by the group. In this way, the group is in complete control of all information that goes into this child’s mind as he or she is forming ideas and learning “facts” about how the world operates. For example, when the child learns that the world is round, he also learns that people who watch television are going to burn in hell forever. When she learns about how seeds sprout and grow, and when that experiment is done as part of her learning, she is also learning from that same source that women who trim their hair are going to be lost for eternity. The source that credibly teaches facts about the world is, at the same time, slipping in twisted teachings and claiming them to be as factual as learning how to read or solve a math problem.

Finally, once the child is born, the group begins to teach him or her that they are the only “safe” place in the entire world. The child is learning to fear the “other” in the world at the same time he is learning to depend on mom and dad to feed him his bottle. If he or she happens to have an “unsaved” grandparent or aunt outside of the group, that person is often not allowed to be alone with the child, so these children pick up the silent message that grandma or grandpa is not quite safe because they are not part of the group.

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V