Category: experiences in church | Page 2

My Mask – IFB Related

The following article is written by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It is about Independent Fundamental Baptist churches, though others will also relate.

In my pre-teen years, I was taught to believe that expressing any negativity in any way was a way to show that I did not actually possess the Fruit of the Spirit (or evidence I was saved). Since the qualities included “joy” and “peace”, any sign of discouragement, depression, sadness, anxiety, was taken as a sign that I was under the devils influence. If I was under the influence of Satan, I was either “backslidden” or not truly saved.

Therefore, anytime I was in public, I was reminded by my mother, or people in my church, that in order to be a “good witness” for Christ (and not give God a bad name in the process), I had to put on my happy face. And I did so.

Anyone who saw me in my teenage years would have imagined that I was living a life of pure bliss. I was smiling literally ALL of the time. I always acted cheerful, even though inside, I was deeply depressed (in fact, nowadays, when I see a girl who smiles too much, I worry for her). I radiated what appeared to be pure joy, “the joy of the Lord”, so to speak.

However, I remember sitting in my room by myself, day by day, and being just so incredibly depressed. I would lie there, reading books or drawing pictures, and thinking to myself, “What is the purpose of living, if you’re just going to die anyway?”, “Does anyone really care about me? Why do I actually exist at all?”, and sometimes my thoughts would gravitate to how scary death would be. I would imagine my funeral and wonder how many people would show up if I died. I truly believe the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was because of the intense fear I had of going through the torment of the fires of Hell.

I remember one time, passing a note to my friend at church, which said, “If I died tomorrow, would you go to my funeral?” At the time, it seemed perfectly normal to ask such a question.

I sang a lot of “specials” (songs) at the church regarding joy. Here’s an example:

“Happiness is to know the Savior,

Living a life, within His favor,

Having a change in my behavior,

Happiness is the Lord.

The Joy is mine,

Even when the teardrops start

I’ve found the secret

It’s Jesus in my heart!”

But what I couldn’t understand through the years was…why didn’t I feel this joy I sang of? I was living a lie, but was not allowed to acknowledge this fact. It was forced to be a secret buried deep within myself, and I despised it.

My mother frequently read my diary, so I never felt quite like I was able to be honest in it. Yet, I felt a deep desire to write! So sometimes I would begin a journal entry, and I would be honest about feeling bad…then I would consider whether the entry would be a “bad witness” for Christ. I worried that if I was to die that day and someone was to find it, they might think badly of God and therefore be denied the opportunity to be saved, so I would actually erase the entry and change it into something that looked “positive”.

For instance, I would think, “I feel so lonely. Why am I not happy? What is the purpose in life? There is no meaning in anything! The kids told me I was ugly today and it really hurt my feelings.”, but I would write, “Today was such a BEAUTIFUL day! The sun was shining and I got to go to church and see my friend. Someone got saved today, and I’m so happy for them! I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!”

If you read my journal back then, it might have seemed that things were good, but they were actually tragically bad. And this actually was a problem for years into my marriage also. I was unable to allow myself to believe anything was ever bad. This denial caused me to not be able to confront issues as they arrived and I went through much unnecessary hardship as a result.

The Bible NEVER condemns feeling sad, or anger, or any other God given emotions. Our emotions were given to us by God to help us to see and address problems in our lives. They are tools to help us, and they are not sin in and of themselves. Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” It does not say not to be angry, but not to allow that anger to cause you to SIN.

David poured out many tears to God, and expressed deep sorrow multiple times, and yet he was considered “a man after God’s own heart”. The Bible says that He knows our suffering intimately, and cares for us. He has experienced the same types of pain we have, while existing in human form on earth, and He knows our suffering and carries our burdens on His own shoulders when we give them to Him. Jesus – even though he was GOD HIMSELF and knew the final outcome of the situation- WEPT with Martha and Mary over Lazarus. He knows our emotions and does not hold them against us. He gave them for us, to help us heal. They are a GOOD thing.

If you have grown up with the idea that being true to who you are, and expressing emotions is a negative thing, or that God would be upset with you for expressing any sad, angry, or hurt feelings, please know that the God in scripture does not EVER express such an idea. Emotions are a gift from God. Being honest with who we are and what we feel is healthy. Being dishonest and wearing a mask is unhealthy and breeds resentment, and continues the cycles of depression. We must be honest with our emotions in order to find healing.

JOY does not necessarily mean that every moment you feel happy. True spiritual joy is in knowing that despite the trials we face here on earth, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and that NOTHING can separate us from His love. We can pour out our hearts HONESTLY to Him, and do not have to hold back our anger, tears, pain, disillusionment, etc. He understands, is patient with us, and helps us to heal with the tools he has given us – our emotions.

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV

“Ginger” is a beautiful young lady, talented and poised. The story she shared with me was in drastic, shocking contrast to her appearance. It was unimaginable what she had gone through as a child, what she continues to experience as an adult.

In Ginger’s case, it wasn’t the church who administered the worst part of the spiritual abuse–yet spiritual abuse it undoubtedly was. She describes that “Everything in life was about trying to obtain a spiritual experience, (speaking in tongues).”

Ginger remembers watching as her mother made her older sister give up a beginning career in modelling to pray “for eight hours every night in order to “get saved”. Her sister still had to work eight hours a day at another job. After many months of sleep deprivation, the older sister finally decided to pretend to “be saved”. Is this not torture? Is this not the type of techniques used by the Gestapo, and by other groups who torture prisoners until they finally give up out of physical misery?

Ginger notes that she saw her sister lose the next 22 years of her life to constant prayer, going to church, no dating, and no hobbies. She was 42 when she finally left the home, then ended up lonely, never married, and too old to finish her modelling career.

For Ginger, it all began at just five years of age. She recalls “Sometimes, we had to sit in a cold, dark closet and pray for several hours. We could not ask to come out because she would say that we “were not interested in Jesus”. We were supposed to pray until we showed some sign of “being saved”. That must have been grueling and difficult for a five year old girl.

She recounts how she was in the closet with her other sister, closer to her age, and that eventually “one time my sister stumbled on a few words and my mother thought that she was speaking in tongues.” Ginger says mom then announced that the sister was “saved”. Not content with that small victory, Ginger’s mother then began to use this to torture the little five-year-old, by saying “everyone in this house is saved except you. You’re the only one who is going to Hell.” Ginger remembers that this was the constant narrative until finally, her mother realized that the sister was not really speaking in tongues.

What does that do to a five year old? Can you imagine her sensitive little heart and the threat of hell, just because she had not spoken in tongues?

She goes on to describe how, as they grew older, “things became more strict. During the summers, we’d have to pray from immediately after twelve noon into midnight with few or no breaks. Once, I had to use the restroom and my mother said “go to the restroom, but I hope that you don’t go to Hell while you are in there”.

What kind of anxiety inducing insanity is that? Using the restroom is a human physical need and here we see her being shamed for having physical needs. We see fear tactics being used without any regards to physical human needs.

Ginger tries to explain her mother’s actions by saying, “Breaks during prayer were frowned upon because the thought that it was the Devil’s excuse to stop a prayer. Therefore, any time that a child asked for a break, they thought that it was the Devil speaking through the child.” This line of thought is hardly rational, so where did this belief come from? There is nothing remotely biblical about this philosophy.

Also, attending games, concerts, etc. were not allowed unless it was required for school. Dating was prohibited. In fact, if Ginger or her sisters even mentioned that they wanted a husband, she took it to automatically mean that they didn’t want God. Interestingly, Ginger stated that her father was not in her life, nor was any father figure in the home. This brings her mother’s opinion about marriage into question, as far as motivation. Was her own past experience jading her view? Yet, as most who perpetuate spiritual abuse, she turned her opinions into a “spiritual” cause, in order to control others.

Ginger reflects that “Sometimes, my mother would play games to see if I was Christian enough. One time, she made a song about me going to Hell and decided to sing it over and over to see if I would react.” What kind of mother does that? She continues to describe these “games”…”Another time, she pretended to be dead to see the manner in which I would react.” These descriptions are reflections of the manipulative nature of spiritual abuse. Using fear and shame to shape someone’s decisions and life are not Christ-like techniques to win the lost. These are tactics used in manipulation. These are abusive tactics that took a “spiritual” twist.

Ginger says that “Studying for school was okay, but mom would sometimes try to stop me from reading textbooks because she believed that the Bible was the only book that should be read.” There are other cases where pastors preached against reading any fiction books. In some cases, the pastor would tell his congregation that it was not okay to read any books without his approval. Why is this so? Think about the history of books in Nazi Germany. Why were there book burnings? Books hold the power to expand the mind and affect one’s beliefs. In order to control Germany, there could be no freedom to read books that might disagree with Nazi philosophy. This is an age-old tool to controlling the minds of people. The Bible is important to read, undoubtedly. However, other books can be necessary as well. Jesus gives us freedom to choose. How can one have freedom if mind control is being used?

Ginger’s mother did not stop the abuse when her children reached adulthood. By then, she had a strong control over their minds. Her manipulation tactics were so powerful that, even then, she held them firmly under her thumb. “She kept changing the rules as to when someone was old enough to move out of her home. At first, she said it was after high school. When I graduated, it became the age of 21. When I was turning 21, my mother suddenly received a message from God that I should never marry because “God doesn’t like marriage”. She also changed the age that I could move out to 25.” Here again, what was with the hatred towards marriage? Is it not possible that mother had some unresolved issues with marriage that tainted her view of the subject?

Ginger continues to describe her early adulthood in the home. “During those years, I also had a very strict curfew. Mom had to open and close all doors upon me entering or leaving the house. I could not talk to anyone on the phone without her knowledge, and I wasn’t allowed to do any hobbies for too long without her interrupting and telling me that I was putting the activity “before God”. During this time, I received interviews at the Peabody Conservatory and the Julliard School to study music, but my mother completely prohibited this, saying that I would “go to Hell” if she could not see me, to verify that I was reading the Bible and praying.” Do you hear the control in this? Is this really about spirituality? Is there truly anything righteous in this? What about the command to “save yourself from this untoward generation?” Mom felt she alone was in control of Ginger’s ability to be saved. What a terrible burden to take upon oneself!

Ginger describes how she finally broke free. “Finally, I figured out that she would never let me leave, and I moved out suddenly at the age of thirty without her expecting it. She had a lot of verbal tantrums over the phone, excluded me from a lot of family activities, and gave a lot of silent treatment before she accepted it. She still checks on me from time to time to make sure that I’m ‘still a virgin’.” That last sentence is beyond insane. This is an attractive, intelligent, and successful woman in her thirties, yet her mother still insists on trying to control her from afar. Instead of being proud of the fine young woman she has become, she continues to inquire about private parts of her life and to put her down for her choices to be independent and healthy.

Ginger says that her mother learned most of the rules from the United Pentecostal church they attended, but that they did not see how her mother acted in the home.

She does recall that, “some of our neighbors also attended the church and they didn’t think anything was wrong. I could sometimes hear their kids screaming while being brutally spanked.”

She shares that the church did have slightly different rules on dating. “They allowed it, but only in public and no touching. Also, the woman didn’t have to be attracted to the man but she was still encouraged to accept the date.”

When I asked Ginger how she is affected in her adult life, she shared that she has had to block her family on social media, and she just visits occasionally. She says “I can only have a normal life by keeping my life separate and only visiting on the holidays.” She says that one sister is still trapped, living at home with mom, and that her sister acts maliciously towards Ginger because Ginger has found freedom.

I was impressed with what Ginger has accomplished in her life, in spite of this traumatic upbringing. To be robbed of one’s childhood is a great tragedy. Children must be allowed to play and to explore as part of normal development. To deprive them of this in order to make them pray for so many hours a day under fear of hell fire is terrible child abuse.

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III

In my career as a social worker, we have case studies that we use to examine a person’s life story in order to assess and evaluate how to best help the individual. When we are sharing with other professionals, we give the individual client a made up name in order to protect their privacy.

I have chosen this method to introduce to you some people I have known who have shared with me their stories of being raised in a spiritually abusive environment. Because of being raised in such a climate, many of these individuals still have parents or other family members who are in these groups, and therefore do not want to be identified in a public blog, due to the very difficult task of trying to maintain family relations with loved ones who are still in the group. I have honored their need for confidentiality.

Grace was born into the spiritually abusive environment she now believes to be a cult. Her father was a United Pentecostal Church ordained minister, and both grandfathers were also ordained in the same organization. Grace’s parents were evangelists, traveling around and preaching almost every night of the week for different churches in the United States. This was many years ago and Grace’s parents traveled by auto, staying in the homes of the pastors for which they preached.

During this time period, Grace was approximately two months old when her father decided one day that her screaming was “anger”, and that she was “throwing a tantrum”. He spanked her infant legs with his hand, a couple of swats to make it sting and begin teaching her early that “anger is a sin”. At her next doctor’s appointment, it was discovered that her mother, who’d been trying to breastfeed her, was not making enough milk, and the cries were cries of hunger and tummy discomfort. Grace is unclear about her parent’s feelings in this regard, simply stating that they recorded it in her baby book with a “ha, ha” beside the date of her “first spanking”, even after they knew about the hunger.

Grace says her parents did love her and did not intend to be cruel, but the toxic environment was one both of them had been raised in, and they were simply doing what they thought was right at the time, based on their intense devotion to the God they’d been taught to believe was a demanding God of judgement.

Grace describes how her parents bragged for many years to their saints and to her and her siblings that they knew how to “train a child” to “behave in the house of God”, because they had trained her at nine months of age to “sit on the front row” during song service, alone with no adult. “If you got up or turned around, one of us would come off the platform (her mom was playing an instrument and her dad was leading service) and spank you, then sit you back down. You learned quickly. We know even babies can be trained.” Grace says their reasoning for this was that they were “home missionaries” starting a church and did not have a trustworthy adult yet converted to help watch her during service.

Grace says that some of her earliest memories were related to church. She says she can strongly relate to a title of a pop song that recently became popular, called “Sit Still Look Pretty”, because that was what she was told to do often as a little girl. She remembers wearing ruffled dresses with itchy tulle slips under them, squirming because she was uncomfortable in those clothes as they irritated her skin, but she would often be reprimanded for moving or swatted on the leg if she could not sit still.

She remembers her grandmother being reprimanded from the pulpit by her father, during one of his sermons, because the grandmother was drawing pictures for her to keep her entertained during the long sermons that were completely beyond her ability to understand.

Grace remembers taking candy from a Sunday School room at about age five and then, when her mother found out, she told Grace that it was stealing, it was a sin, and she would be lost for taking candy like that. She was led in a prayer of repentance and sent to apologize to the Sunday School Teacher. She still remembers the heavy sense of guilt, though she really didn’t know it was stealing when she did it.

From age five, when her sense of sin was awakened by the “stealing” event, Grace describes how she would “seek the Holy Ghost” every service, going down to the altar and kneeling there as long as she could stand it to pray and ask for the experience of speaking in tongues. This went on every service for three years, until she finally received the experience at the age of eight. She remembers being baptized “in Jesus’ name” not long before that, and how “I really did feel very clean and light inside”, but wonders if it was the baptism itself or the belief in what it was doing (taking away her sins).

Grace recalls a time around nine years of age when “we were having a shouting service” and she and a friend around the same age fell out on the floor and rolled back and forth “because we had heard them preach about holy rollers being really spiritual”. Adults stopped them from continuing, but she remembers being confused about why they would lift up such a thing verbally, but yet stop the girls from actually doing it. She remembers a mixture of shame and confusion about the incident.

Out of 12 years of education, Grace says only two and a half years were in a public school. “Three years were our own church school, and the rest of the time I was home-schooled”. She says she did not learn some of the things that are normal for school aged young people to learn. “I never learned anything about Greek mythology, and even the philosophers were barely mentioned in the context of Paul’s visit there.” She relates that her education was very poor in mathematics, and that she distinctly remembers her father slapping her when she couldn’t figure out how to do a math problem. She remembers a lot of yelling at her as well, when it came to learning math.

Grace describes herself as a “very shy, timid teenager, easily brought to tears”. She says that, because of the environment, she was highly sensitive and full of shame and guilt that was largely misplaced.

“The church rules…you never questioned them”. She learned as a toddler that pants, cut hair, and makeup were sins for women and she would point out people she saw wearing these things and ask her mother “Is that lady Catholic?” She apparently equated sinfulness with the Catholic religion, as is so often done over UPC pulpits.

No jewelry of any kind was allowed, and strict rules governed the sleeve length and dress length of her clothing. “We stopped wearing short sleeves when I was about ten,” she remembers. No slits of any length were ever allowed in skirts, and sleeves were required to be below the elbow. Hems were below the knee “sitting, standing or kneeling”. She said her long uncut hair was at one time to her ankles, “but we were not allowed to wear our hair down if we were going to be on the platform. It was considered stringy and unkempt.” She remembers that, when going around family members who were not in the group, her parents would make sure she braided her hair or wore it in a bun so that “we will be a good testimony to the family”. Somehow, even though her hair was praised and glorified throughout her lifetime, Grace knew that it looked “like a hippy” when it was down and obviously untrimmed.

Grace calls herself a “girly-girl” because she always loved beautiful things, but says that she had to confine it to lace and flowers for most of her life because most pretty things were forbidden–such as jewelry, makeup, nail polish, etcetera.

Grace describes hearing many sermons about women staying in their place, but mostly from her father’s associates, not from him. She says this is probably likely to the fact that his mother was also a preacher when he was a child. However, submission was a topic that was preached in great doses, especially submission to one’s husband and primarily to the pastor.

Grace ends our interview by relating that she feels the most harmful part of being raised in this environment was the fact that the parents controlled the children to such a degree, and then her parents used the pastoral role to control her even further. “The pastor could tell you to do anything, even if the Bible didn’t say do it. You had to do it because the pastor said and if you didn’t you were going to hell, because the pastor was God’s man and you had to obey him as if he was God.” Grace says that, where parental boundaries fell short, her father was adept at “pulling the pastor card” in order to control her.

“I finally left his church when, as an adult in my thirties, I was told I had to have his permission to have people over to my house and he was in control of the guest list.” This was in his role as her pastor, not her father.

Grace’s story is only one of many that I hope to introduce you to over the next few posts. An entire life from babyhood into middle adulthood can hardly be summed up in this short article, but I have tried to include some of the most powerful stories that Grace shared about what it was like to grow up in this environment, virtually brainwashed by the isolation and involvement in such a group.

(To be continued)

Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 2

Besides hearing of instances of alleged sexual abuse in a Colorado United Pentecostal Church that were not reported, I have heard from several former members as to how people in leadership there, including licensed ministers, have conducted themselves. I’ve seen one person refer to former members as the ‘Walking Wounded’. Even though the Bible shares in several places how believers should be slow to anger, it appears some in leadership have chosen to repeatedly, and for years, display the works of the flesh instead of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). (See Proverbs 14:29, 15 & 29:11, James 1:19-20, Ecclesiastes 7:9, Colossians 3:8.) The apostle Paul instructed Titus about elders among fellow believers and wrote in 1 Titus (NASB):

7For the overseer must be above reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, 8but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, 9holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching,

This is part fifteen in a series of articles and part two of the focus on a Colorado church. This is a compilation of allegations from numerous former members against the leadership of this church and the reports cover a span of many years.

I firmly believe that if a minister does not have the heart of a servant, as Jesus taught and showed by example, they should not hold license. Even Jesus himself did not come to be served but to serve others. Ministers and pastors are not supposed to be waited on and catered to by members of a church. They should not be elevated to a place where their actions cannot be questioned, nor should they live extravagantly on the hard earned money of members, when many of those people go without things.

Should ministers seek to have a table at church banquets where they are set apart from non-ministers and have church members appointed to only serve them and their needs? Where did ministers get the idea that they are separate from other believers in the body of Christ and shouldn’t spend much time with, or get close to, them? Did not the Pharisees in the New Testament act similarly?

Should members be expected to clean a pastor’s personal home because the church is having a conference (of course without being paid)? What about members who work for weeks under fear and intimidation on personal parties and anniversaries for the pastor and his family? Is it proper to remove members from ministries because they get behind in paying pledge money for such anniversary services? I cannot see David Bernard, the General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church, condoning such actions.

Should a pastor and his family live quite lavishly while there are many church members who are having a tough time making ends meet and while some ride a bus to services as they have no vehicle, while the pastor and his wife drive very expensive cars? Should the pastor and his family expect members to purchase them expensive gifts like a top of the line Jacuzzi or a baby grand piano or request that members help send them on exotic trips? It’s been said that some in the church have been told that “the least we can do is give him our money”.

Why would there be a hidden TV behind a wall panel in the living room (that was made to look like it was the mantle) during a time when UPC licensed ministers were forbidden to own one and all the while preach against it? In addition, why would there be a second TV in the basement with many Disney and other movies for the grandchildren? I have found the whole affirmation statement to be such a farce as through the years I have heard of various ministers signing the document and yet not abiding by it. Or making changes to it or adding a note that essentially nullifies it and these are accepted by the organization.

Should a pastor’s wife, now a senior pastor’s wife, be verbally abusive year after year to church members who volunteered to be in a seasonal church production, belittling them to the point where they are left in tears? One person shared they had to take Xanax for three months to make it through all the rehearsals due to her behavior. This woman has been described by more than one former member as ‘cruel,’ ‘vicious’ and ‘manipulative’. Some members were more afraid of what the pastor and his wife thought than God.

What about a PK, now a pastor’s wife, who regularly scolds choir members and even allegedly physically pulled a woman out of choir for failure to perform a movement she wanted, which the woman was incapable of doing due to the restricted room she had to work in. This leader took the choir member to the pastor’s office and allegedly lied about physically assaulting her. Should a person be screamed at for missing a cue? The fruit of the Spirit is severely lacking in such a person.

Love people. Respect them, serve them, and care for them. Ultimately, the only acceptable motive and the only successful method of leadership is love. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

Should a visiting minister demand money and anything of worth to be handed over to the church under the guise of obtaining a blessing, especially in a church that already had plenty and was not suffering financially? Some who didn’t have cash left jewelry, shoes, perfume and other valuables on the altar. When one woman regretted giving her wedding ring, she allegedly called the church the next day to get it back and was told it was gone.

Does a pastor have the right to demand that a future wife goes to the husband’s church when two people are planning on marrying (done in order to keep members in the church)? How is it any of his business? Should a pastor be telling church members that he forbids them to have interaction with anyone who leaves the church or to not attend a new work that has started nearby?

Should a pastor use intimidation or guilt to manipulate members? What does it say about a pastor when he threatens a member with a lawsuit or tells them not just to leave the church building, but the state as well? What would you think of your pastor if you discovered he had allegedly harassed a former member, contacting his employer in an effort to get him fired, all because he started a church? Would that not speak loudly of the man’s deep feelings of insecurity (as well as other things)? Should a pastor punish church members by removing them from the platform or their positions in the church for simply attending a service at another UPCI church?

Have integrity. Be honest with God, yourself and people. Periodically ask God to purge you of personal or mixed motives. …When self-interest is at stake, seek the honest opinions of others and, if necessary, recuse yourself from a decision. Look at all sides of a decision or disagreement, consider other points of view, and treat everyone fairly. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

These are some of the allegations that I have heard about this church and their pastoral/leadership team. These alone are troublesome, but combined with multiple allegations through the years of unreported sexual abuse cause me to be quite concerned. Why are some so fearful of speaking out and reporting these incidents? If these accounts are true, these people are not fit to hold license with any organization, no matter how many in the organization there are who may not have seen things themselves. If these are true, how has this church been allowed to remain in the UPCI? Has headquarters never received any information about them? Do members not realize there is a judicial procedure in the UPCI where ministers can be confronted about wrongdoings?

Below are the personal thoughts, experiences and opinions of just one former member of this Colorado United Pentecostal Church.

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I remember the Sunday night when I decided I would never come back to that church again. I was sitting in church when, just before service, the then pastor’s wife asked the band to do a run through of the night’s special choir song. Before we started, she said in a serious, bitter tone, “I have friends visiting tonight so you all better not embarrass me!” We were about halfway through the song when she flubbed up the tempo, as was typical, and blamed it on the band. “Stop!,” she screeched, bent over with a look of disgust on her face. She then addressed the band by saying that she could not count on us for anything, that we never get anything right, and that it was our fault if the Holy Ghost “didn’t come.”

That was the moment my chin dropped down to my chest and I realized, this is not a place where Jesus – the real Jesus – is welcome. You see, for four years I had sat there, spending close to 20 hours a week at church, sometimes more, missing out on life because of my great commitment to the excellent music we put forth. We were a stellar band and everyone knew it, but when this woman wanted us six or seven players to copy to a T the likes of the Brooklyn Tabernacle, complete with every hit and swell of their full orchestra, it simply could not be done. But she didn’t accept that.

The prior year, I had served in a key position for the church’s massive Easter drama, witnessing behavior that would have been met with legal action in any other setting. This woman, supposedly the ultimate example of a godly woman, exhibited alarming, non Christ-like, and vicious behavior that no one who is called a leader should ever exhibit. Fits of rage, screaming, dramatic tantrums, and hurling objects such as her microphone across the room. Asking people, “Are you retarded?” when they didn’t do something quite to her liking, telling people they were jokes, and belittling even children who fell short of her expectations. It was an outrage.

Yet that is not the whole reason why I left. For the year leading up to my departure, I had pleaded for a meeting with the pastor. I wanted to discuss my feelings and the evolution of my beliefs, which were leading me to question the doctrines of the United Pentecostal Church. My pleas fell on deaf ears and I was continually blown off. But before that, I was “in” with them. I was one of them. I had enjoyed private dinners in their luxurious mansion, valued at more than $3 million according to the county assessor’s office. These people who are supposed to emulate Jesus – champion of the humble and selfless – were the most lavish people I had ever known. They drive Escalades, Porsches, and Jaguars. The husband sports custom Italian suits, expensive ties, and watches valued in the thousands. The wife wears floor-length furs, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, St. John, Yves St. Laurent, and every other ultra luxury designer bag, shoes, and outfits. The devil really does wear Prada. They take trips to luxurious destinations around the world, often paid for by church members as coerced anniversary or birthday gifts. Yet the majority of their church is poor.

Where is Jesus in all of this? Where is Jesus when their daughter, who, along with her husband, has taken over the church in recent years, grabs people’s arms so hard it leaves a bruise and threatens them when she thinks they’ve attempted to defy her? Where is Jesus when the current pastor, her husband, threatens people and makes false, damaging, and derogatory allegations about them from the pulpit? Or how about when a staff member, who is on the church payroll, gets caught sending racy photos of herself to boys in the church and more? It all gets swept under the rug. Jesus has left that building.

I know more than one woman who claims that the former pastor, now ‘bishop,’ demanded that she stay married to her husband when he was physically abusing her or having extra-marital affairs. I also know that he told me to my face that I would go to hell for leaving his church. I was then dragged through the mud, publicly shamed and excommunicated, like so many before me were. When a man leaves, they accuse him of being gay or an adulterer. When a woman leaves, she’s a harlot. When anyone defies them, there is hell to pay. They make hollow threats and viciously gossip.

They sift the hard-earned money of the poor from the coffers to fund their lavish lifestyles. In their own eyes, they are above reproach and not to be questioned, but they will face the One who knows and sees all one day. And I don’t want to be anywhere near them when that lightning bolt hits. God have mercy and show them the error of their ways while there is still time to correct it. These people are unfit for leadership, and certainly unfit to represent Christ. They are the epitome of the reason so many have negative views of Christianity and, in my opinion, defile the name of God.

1 Peter 5 (NASB): Therefore, I exhort the elders among you, as your fellow elder and witness of the sufferings of Christ, and a partaker also of the glory that is to be revealed, ²shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; ³nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

Spiritual Abuse & Emasculated Men

A topic that often comes up in our support groups is how women are usually hit harder than men in spiritually abusive churches and groups. It often is mentioned in conjunction with ‘holiness standards‘ and submission. The subject arose once more a couple days ago and in reflecting, I was reminded of some things that married men have shared through the years, a topic that can be difficult for them to discuss. There are men who feel emasculated by the teachings of these churches and how the pastor basically takes their place as the husband. It has been asked, “How many women are having an emotional affair with the pastor and church because their husband can’t quite measure up?”

It seems to happen more often when the man isn’t part of the church or once was but left, or he attends but doesn’t fall in line with all the teachings. However, it also strikes men who are fully immersed in the group. As one shared, “The implied message was that it is more important to be dedicated to the church than it is to your husband. …I didn’t know that the pastor was also married to my wife…strange. Or that he was one of the heads mentioned in the scripture.”

This mindset places tremendous strain and pressure on a marriage and works to emasculate the husband, depriving him of his role and causing him to feel replaced, almost unwanted at times, and less than a man. In situations where there are children, sometimes the wife, and even other family members in the church, will say negative things to the children about their father that can cause relationship problems between them. It can bring untold conflicting feelings, angst and even fear that their dad will burn in hell, a terrifying thought for a child. The women appear to be blinded to the damage they cause as they believe they are following the will of God.

A person asked, “What is it that makes the man (or wife) think he ‘can’t measure up’? …How can a woman put the pastor higher than the man that brings home the bacon, pays the bills and cares for the family? How is it the man that never mowed the lawn, never paid one household bill (probably does not even hold a job) is the man that is superior?” This thought of any pastor being superior to others does not fit in with how the body of Christ is described in 1 Corinthians 12.

One man responded, “This is what the man is reduced to bringing home the bacon, paying the bills, and supplying non-emotional or spiritual needs. Anything else is perceived as an effort to try and convince or change the doctrine/beliefs of the wife, which in turn leads to accusations of the husband trying to break up the family. Unfortunately the woman in many cases makes the statement, ‘when I see you praying, and fasting, (until I see you are worthy) then I will submit to your authority or consider you the priest of our home.’ This obviously is not consistent with scripture.”

In these unhealthy churches, the pastor is usually considered superior to others in the church and this plays into the emasculation of the other men. In fact, some pastors flat out tell people to imitate them in prayer, worship, dress, etc. In addition some claim that one cannot be saved without them. “The only way you’re ever going to get to Christ is to follow a man of God. The only way that you’re ever going to make it in the rapture is to follow a man of God. Amen! You can’t make it without a pastor.” (Quote is from the linked to video.)

So how does the man (pastor) appear superior to the husband? “When he is one who holds dedication, loyalty, and commitment overhead with hell fire and damnation, he certainly can [appear superior]. Conversely, because of the impression he gives of having a pipeline directly to the throne, and with statements and perceptions that no one can or should be more spiritual than the pastor, sure, that husband will never and can never measure up.” Imagine how this makes the man feel and what it does to him and how it insidiously works to destroy the marriage. If that man eventually gives up and walks away, it is entirely blamed on him for not measuring up.

Some seemingly fight a losing battle in attempting to regain their rightful place in the family. As long as the spouse places the pastor and church above her husband, there will be problems in the marriage and sometimes it cannot be overcome. Unfortunately, pastors have told wives to divorce. “Apparently, the pastor told my wife that if I don’t come around, and fall in line with all that he teaches, she shouldn’t stay with me. The same man who married us, suggests that, for the sake of her soul, she should probably leave me.” Such counsel goes against the admonition of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.

A woman shared some observations, “I have seen this kind of stuff going on. Women who think their husbands have no merit in the kingdom of God just because they aren’t like other women’s husbands. They usually have no respect for them and undermine their authority in the home. The children are taught that their father does not know anything. They are pretty confused… The wife runs to the pastor or other spiritual men, counseling with them. She constantly compares her husband with other men….why can’t he be like them?

“…I think if we were not taught erroneously to begin with…that the pastor is like the Pope and only he can hear from God for us…then many of us would have better marriages and better relationships with God. I have never spoken with men to get their viewpoint of what they think of their wives running off to the pastor every time they turn around. I think some of them are conditioned to think it’s OK.”

Another woman told of an event. “Last year at summer camp all the women were invited to lunch with the pastor and were also shown his bedroom with the comment ‘see how clean and tidy he is, not like your slobby husbands.’ Well, for those women with slobby husbands I’m pretty sure they did get mind problems the next time their husband left his clothes on the floor, remembering that nice tidy pastor’s room (which had been cleaned beforehand by a few of the women anyway). We were continually reminded of how our husbands didn’t measure up but if you dared to come out with it yourself you were a Jezebel bitch. So it was a no win situation for everybody.”

This is a very serious problem in unhealthy churches. While there are people who sincerely believe they are doing God’s will by placing church and pastor above their spouse, they fail to realize how their actions are ripping their family apart, harming their children and causing excruciatingly deep hurt to their spouse. Is this not spiritual adultery as one man observed? Take to heart what he shared. “This is so true. Not only putting the pastor in the place of God, but putting the pastor or church above the place of your husband. The hierarchy that God designed and that Paul outlined is pretty much cast into the fire by the UPC, there is no church, or pastor between God, the Man, and his Wife. It is so wrong for the pastor to demand a devotion to him, his doctrine, his perspective, and his general way of doing things. Sometimes I don’t think they do this openly or even purposely but they use various controlling techniques to demand devotion in general.

“It is so funny how most every UPC church has a name, but we don’t refer to them that way, instead we say, ‘I used to belong to Bro. Smith’s church, or I visited Bro. Jones’ church, or my sister belongs to Bro. Johnson’s church.’

“I would covet an opportunity to talk to a pastor’s wife to see how she felt about or even realizes that her husband has the devotion and attention of the women in their church above and stronger than the devotion to their husbands. How many people have the courage to call it religious and maybe spiritual adultery?”

Read Religious Cuckoldry by Dr. Michael Warstler, an essay on this same topic.