Category: hurt | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Hanging on by the roots

Sitting in church yesterday, I had one of those aha moments. You know one of those moments when another piece of the puzzle snaps in place. The preacher was talking about roots. How when he was a kid he tried to chop down a fig tree. He chopped it all the way down to the ground, but didn’t destroy the roots.

Now he might’ve been going in a completely different direction than me. But, by then me and God were having our own conversation. I have wondered, questioned, discussed with others why after all we’ve been through, with all the abuse, with all the confusion and false doctrine, why are we still able to hang on? Why have we been able to move on?

Now, don’t get me wrong. We still have a bad day sometimes, or something will trigger an emotion in us. But over all we are healing, we are able to minister to others. We are finding our place in Life. When I see people, friends, loved ones still caught up in the condemnation, shame, lies that they were told for so long, it hurts my heart. I want to fix it for them, but sadly, all I can do is support them and encourage them.

I think yesterday, I found the answer to that question for my life. Noting we aren’t all just alike, what works for me might not be for you. But, I was just like that fig tree that was chopped to the ground. I spent 20 plus years oppressed, depressed, feeling hopeless in the situation. But, somehow in the midst of that I had roots. Not roots in the United Pentecostal Church, not roots in standards, or with a congregation or preacher. But, with God. See he did come to me when I was searching, and I have a relationship with him, not man. I could’ve gone anywhere and lived for him. Sadly, I ended up at a UPCI church.

Thankfully my roots are grounded in him. In his grace, his mercy, his sacrifice, not in my works. And not in the opinion of man. Because of that I am able to stand. I am able to hold on. I’ve been able to see new life springing forth. If you feel chopped down, cut off, abandoned, dig a little deeper, brush away the debris of hurt, and hopelessness. Maybe you too can find that root coming up. And you can start fresh and new. If you have lost all, and have nothing left, just hang on to the root. And see how beautiful your brand new life can be.

Exploring Emotions: Lost and Found

As the humid summer days grow longer, tall sunflower stalks follow the path of the dawning sun until shadows appear under the moonlit sky. Then, eager for a new day with endless possibilities, the yellow giants twirl around in anticipation of the sun’s kisses in the morning. While many cling to the flower’s intense focus on the hope of a new dawn, I cringe at their faces, remembering Mrs. Julie and longing for the days of journals and daily phone calls. My heart yearns to find solace sitting next to her, eating chunky monkey ice cream on the days that my high school and college years seemed to turn upside down. It is the smell of Ragu alfredo sauce, a meal that her and I both loved, while our families despised it. It is the yellow highlighter, blue pen, and colored ribbons in her Bible. It is when the choir sings, “Through the Garden”. But, when the congregation yells, “Praise God!” in song, I see her husband’s face and hear his voice. I crawl within myself, terrified of more hours of yelling and screaming, manipulation and berating. It is a foul smell in the car, an extremely heavy-set man passing out tracts. It is the man holding Scripture signs or someone talking through a megaphone. It is a preacher on Sunday morning talking about a person being “carnal” or needing to repent. But I never knew I suffered a loss.

According to the authors of Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art (pg. 74), these feelings of loss are “a natural reaction to actual or imagined losses that vary according to the type and impact of the trauma. It is common to experience a loss of one or more of the following as a result of the trauma:

- A sense of safety and security
- Meaning and purpose in life
- Physical health or body integrity
- The ability to relate effectively with others
- Self-esteem or identity
- Someone or something you love”

In my life, there was no viewing or physical casket. No funeral or solemn prayer. There was no placement of an actual body or a covering of earth with beautiful flowers in honor of their passing. Rather, I was left in a confused state with only the overwhelming emotions and harrowing memories left behind. I lost not only my best-friend and mentor, but I lost my childhood innocence and wonder, and I no longer knew the person I had become. It turns out that recognizing and accepting these losses are the first steps in allowing the actual grieving process to begin, in order to allow the pains to lesson over time, even if they never truly go away. It is vital to look deep within and ask what losses you have endured from the trauma. What has changed, shifted, or shattered into a million pieces? Recognizing these feelings and having compassion on yourself in a way that allows space to grieve and seek support as needed will begin the path to acceptance and healing.

This exercise involves writing a letter or poem to someone who has experienced trauma(s) similar to your own. For those not familiar, I was under a husband-wife couple that was like a miniature cult, brainwashing and isolation included. The wife, Mrs. Julie, was a dear friend, but her husband, Brother Thomas, was abusive mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually, but only physically abusive towards his family. Because I could not wrap my mind around another situation similar enough to my own experiences at the time, I wrote my letter as if to another girl under those mentors, since they took so many teenagers under their wings. Mrs. Julie especially took in young teen girls to help mentor and encourage them. Here is my letter as if to one of those girls. It has given me a sense of not being alone anymore, and even a shift in perspective to potentially helping others. I can see another girl and have compassion on her, rather than my own tendency to say, “I should have known. I should have seen it. Why did I not just get out?” It has helped to have compassion on myself and it was key to starting inner child work.

Dear Sister,

I pray this letter finds you well, or so I hope. Prayer isn’t really a thing for me these days. How about you?

They wanted us to meet up with their standard of living and godliness, but it was a standard that could never be attained. She loved us dearly, but she was likely too entrenched in survival mode and self-presentation to see the damage it caused: that intense feeling of failure, mounted with sheer guilt and shame. I know the mask and I know the pain. I feel that hurt. But you’re not alone. You weren’t alone then and you’re not alone now.

He couldn’t have cared less with the facade he put on, somehow greater than his weight [He was easily 400lbs or more and used it for intimidation]. Remember Rachel? Remember Amanda? Rachel had the guts to stand and Mrs. Julie protected Amanda from him. I don’t know what all you went through, but I know the loss of innocence. I know the fears and panic from everyday things that others do not understand.

I still sit through church services nervous and terrified. I never know what the man [preacher] is going to say or when the skeletons will show. Every message is a reminder of my failure. But it’s not a failure. You’re not a failure. You are strong for continuing on. You are strong for getting out when you did, no matter how long that took.

The crazy is over and now it’s picking up the pieces and finding joy in life again somehow. It’s finding purpose again outside the crazy. It’s not as simple as brushing your shoulders off, but it’s a day by day, moment by moment process.

“God’s crazy about you”…. Remember? She may have said it, but it hasn’t changed. I don’t understand how God works anymore, but somewhere the Bible says that God is love, and He loves you with an everlasting love.

The journey ahead is long, but it’s not your fault. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. In college, I thought it would be better if a car swerved and hit me because I would no longer be the reason they were hurting, but someone shared that verse with me and told me that the rest of my life that didn’t happen would be the wonder of God’s work on me. Marvelous are thy works. That’s you.

It feels like my marriage is messed up many days because of what happened, but you know what? A real man isn’t like Thomas. He cares and he stays. He loves and encourages. In marriage, we support each other through the good and bad times.

I don’t have the answers for Bible reading, church, prayer, soul-winning, communication or authority. Submission is all jacked up. But some day, we can be stronger for it somehow. Someday, we can help someone else because of what we’ve been through and cannot change.

God will judge him someday if no one gets to him first. And even if they do, God will still judge him someday. Maybe then he will know where to stick that stupid pig, chicken and rooster.

You’ll find friends again. You’ll learn to trust again as you learn about healthy boundaries (highly recommend “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud 🙂 ).

You’re loved. And you’re not alone. Hang in there. You’re stronger than you feel.

Chloe

*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.“

Victim Blaming

Over the weekend, the Catholic Church was rocked with more upsetting news concerning the scandals involving priests molesting children. Pope Francis delivered a homily where he blamed Satan for exposing sin in the church. I rolled my eyes in disbelief as I read the pontiff’s comments.

Looking back on my own experiences and corresponding with others who went through similar ordeals, it doesn’t shock me as much as it might have a decade ago. Too often, church leaders place the blame everywhere BUT on the abuser. When a victim or concerned member voices concern or attempts to report abuse, they are quickly silenced.

How many times have we heard pastors say “touch not God’s anointed” when allegations of abuse surface? How many times are church members excoriated for “spreading gossip” or “negative communication?” I personally was admonished to simply shut up and “focus on the good, pure, and lovely things” on numerous occasions. This attitude of turning a blind eye only worsens the problem.

In another abuse survivors group, an account was shared of how a teenage girl and her family left a large church in Indiana after the senior pastor was caught taking the girl out of state for sex. This pastor even went so far as to blame the girl for leading him into sin, after he groomed and had his way with her for some time. The pastor was rightly sent to prison.

When I was a teenager in the late 1970’s, I read in history class about the great revivals that occurred in the early 20th century. Why don’t we see that now? I believe part of it is here. Until the church takes abuse victims seriously, and purges perverts from the ranks, folks will stay away from houses of worship.

Those who preach the gospel must live the gospel.

Social Media and Stupid Platitudes: Part 3

In my first post, I tacked the issue of people expressing stupid platitudes on social media and some suggested coping strategies. My second one dealt with that tired old myth of God supposedly not giving us more than we can handle. In this one, I want to address two bereavement-related ones, particularly one that’s been a thorn in my side.

“Heaven needed another angel/heaven gained another angel.”

I fully appreciate the fact that grief is personal, and that these notions might comfort some who like the idea of their deceased loved one watching over them. However, there’s something that just seems so WRONG about offering this up as an explanation when a young child dies unexpectedly for no discernible reason or when a parent with young children dies because of an act of violence that never should have happened. Death may indeed be a symptom of a fallen world, but I don’t think explaining a loss by essentially stating that God needed them dead is particularly helpful.

Another frustrating one that I’m sure we’ve all dealt with:

“He/she is in a better place”

Two BIG problems I’ve observed with this one:

1. If the bereaved is struggling with their faith or has no religious faith, this statement likely offers zero comfort. An atheist friend summed it up accurately when talking about people saying this when her mother died after a bout with cancer. Her response was “No, she’s not, she’s in the ground”.

No matter what one’s beliefs about what happens after death are, they are physically absent and there are times this absence is going to be particularly painful. Sometimes there’s a fine line between genuine encouragement and useless platitudes, and “better place” talk often becomes the latter. We should remember that even Jesus wept at a friend’s grave – the pain that people feel at death was known to our Savior.

2. Sometimes the deceased was abusive or otherwise had a troublesome relationship with those left behind, and this may impact how comforting people find these words. I’m NOT saying it’s okay to gloat about the prospect of somebody spending eternity in hell. However, elevating someone to the level of sainthood just because they’re gone doesn’t erase the emotional and psychological pain that many still cope with after an abuser or otherwise toxic person passes.

I’ve noticed the immediate aftermath of someone’s death is when people seem to be most likely to have selective memory. Sometimes, particularly if the deceased was a substance abuser or mentally ill, their loved ones may be trying to absolve themselves of feeling guilty for snubbing the deceased when they were still alive. Grief is always more complicated than we’re willing to acknowledge, and I think people need to understand that every person’s “tear soup” recipe has different ingredients.

Stupid platitudes maybe aren’t going to go away on social media anytime soon, but we can at least prepare ourselves by knowing how to keep certain things out of our feeds and by having a different perspective on how to take some of these notions.

Social Media and Stupid Platitudes: Part 2

In my first post on this subject, I highlighted what some individual stupid platitudes were that I thought were troubling and some coping strategies when people come out with these statements. The first of these “monsters” I wanted to tackle was:

“God never gives you more than you can handle.”

I’ve seen this posted on Facebook multiple times, and am personally of the mind that this thinking has contributed to more than one personal faith crisis. The worst thing is that it’s based on a complete misinterpretation of something the Bible does say.

This faulty notion comes from 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.” (NRSV) What many modern translations translate as testing or temptation, is the Greek word peirasmos, which, according to Strong’s, also appears in the Lord’s Prayer when we ask God to lead us not into temptation/save us from the time of trial.

I’ve seen so many people express utter despair over a troubling medical diagnosis, an unexpected death or another crisis who were wrong told that God wouldn’t give them more than they can handle. If someone is told this often enough in the face of a crisis, could you really blame them for doubting God’s goodness?

A Biblical counselor who tackled this very issue in a recent blog post raised an interesting point about how God DOES give us more than we can handle sometimes. At the same time, we’re given the GRACE that we need.

The last thing someone going through a crisis needs is a theological debate on their social media feed, especially if the person making the “God won’t give you more than you can handle” claim isn’t very well-read in the Bible. However, I think we can serve as better encouragers to people in a time of need by letting them know that God will give them the grace that they need.

Here’s a prayer attributed to St. Francis de Sales I’ve found comforting:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.