Blindsided: Skeleton #1: Manipulating the Broken

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Throughout my breastfeeding journeys, I often wondered how I could possibly survive, but the Lord provided the most intricate life-support system, not only through my closest friends, but through complete strangers as well. My closest friends and those relationships developed through various breastfeeding support groups are what made it possible to endure the intense anxiety and agonizing depths of depression during my postpartum periods. They witnessed the toll the church breastfeeding situation took on me and my family for months at a time as I perpetually justified the wrongs of my church’s inner circle, and knowing I blamed myself, they never gave up.

My friends listened to my frustrations and held me close, while those in breastfeeding support groups encouraged me to assert my rights, even publicly if necessary, by going to the media or by simply allowing them to stage a nurse-in as a cry for justice. Instead, I “suffered myself [and my family] to be defrauded” for the cause of Christ. Countless nights left me tossing and turning without answers despite the hundreds of tear-filled days I wasted away, consumed with researching and attempting to lighten the burden I felt that *I* had placed on my church family and on my husband. My sacrifices, however, were to no avail, because the inner circle was not willing to show true compassion and give back just a little of what they took. I continued to break yet the more, longing for a peaceful resolution, but not once did I assume that my own pastor and pastor’s wife, Andrew and Lula Ray, had been working behind the scenes to intensify my burdens. I rightfully expected my pastor to respect reasonable boundaries, but instead, he attempted to manipulate me through those closest to me, all the while knowing I struggled with suicidal ideation because of postpartum depression and anxiety.

Shielded Arrows From Behind

Shortly after Douglas Stauffer’s carnal message during the 2018 Bible Conference, and within proximity of the time Seth Razler* accused me of giving my church the “middle finger” every time I nursed in the service, several close friends revealed that Pastor Ray and/or Lula Ray had approached them, requesting that they would meet with us, hopefully coercing us back in the isolated mother’s room. Thankfully, each one of those friends embodied character and honesty enough to protect someone that was simply trying to survive. One of those families came and sat with us for support without saying a word about what happened. Another, a peacemaker, unknowingly sent me into a mental spiral when she encouraged me to show “spiritual maturity” by going to the mother’s room, but she continued to invite us to join her family during the church services despite my response and never faltered in supporting me in the months to come. The third family that we were made aware of, the Martins*, further revealed a side of the Rays that we had never seen before the 2018 Bible Conference.

Hierarchy Before Friendship

One would assume that the Rays would have shown the Martins* due respect considering their years of unbreakable friendship, but when Celine Martin* clearly stated that she was not going to approach me about nursing based on her own values, Andrew Ray proceeded to go “over” Mrs. Martin* to convince her husband to “lead” as “head” of the family. As per the status quo at Antioch Baptist Church, the assertive refusal of a woman was not sufficient. Thankfully, Dennis Martin* also refused, leaving no other levels to manipulate, and the Rays hands tied by the law.

Law of Liberty or Liability?

According to Tennessee law, “A mother may breastfeed in any public or private place she is authorized to be” and according to an amendment to that law (TCA 68-58-102), “breastfeeding shall not be considered public indecency or nudity, obscene, or sexual conduct.”

Shortly after my second child was born, I had made the mistake of presenting this last to my Pastor Andrew Ray and Lula Ray out of concern that a future visitor could stage a nurse-in (the equivalent of a sit-in) or that our church could incur legal ramifications. Unbeknown to me, it appears Andrew and Lula determined my act of devotion to be a literal, active threat to Antioch Baptist Church, and likely began to determine ways to work through loopholes in the law.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Skeleton #2: The Destruction of a Young Girl” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 17, 2018)

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes

Blindsided: When Closet Skeletons Speak

One fall afternoon in 2008, my mentor’s husband, Randy, instructed me to call him as his failing transmission drudged slowly along the interstate in first gear. Perhaps, he was contemplating his pending boredom on his usual one-hour commute that had suddenly turned into a several hour trip, or maybe he subconsciously needed a minuscule amount of control over the moment considering the financial detriment his family was about to incur. Either way, after obeying his instructions as my “spiritual dad,” he demanded to know every potential sexual detail of my only past relationship in high school. The problem came when his wife started calling me at our pre-scheduled time, and I had not yet satisfied the extent of his demands. He instructed me to ignore his wife’s incoming phone calls, without explanation, knowing full-well the extent of the hurt and feelings of abandonment his wife would endure, all while threatening whatever consequences he thought sufficient, should I not “obey” him.

Finally, he allowed me to hang up and call his wife, but as my mentor and I spoke, she knew me well enough to know that something was wrong. I could no longer obey Randy’s demands to keep silent about the phone call without being dishonest with my mentor. As if the afternoon had not already been stressful enough, I believe she subconsciously went into survival mode, resulting in her redirecting her anger towards me instead of her mentally abusive husband. Randy had something to hide but his feeble attempt at shoving his newest skeleton into the closest had not just merely postponed the aftermath, but it also simultaneously fueled the fire, causing as bleed-out nigh impossible to recover from. What if Randy had stopped when his wife began to call? What if he had never tried to cover it up by directing me not to tell his wife that he and I spoke? Certainly, his wife would have still been upset, and rightfully so, but could his admittance, without cover-up, significantly reduced the detrimental outcome?

Just as with Randy, I have personally wondered what would have happened if Pastor Andrew Ray and his wife had simply admitted to leading teenagers towards courtships/engagements, not only against their parent’s expressed wishes, but to the extent of aiding in the deception. What if, instead of repeatedly justifying their actions, the Rays had mended friendships as closely knit as David and Jonathan by a true apology, instead of lip-service? Could it be, I wonder, that if they had swallowed their pride closer to the beginning, there may have never been an entire church service dedicated to destroying an entire family’s name?  Perhaps there never would have been a letter of ostracization sent to family including a threat toward a college student’s education. Just maybe, there would never have been a men’s meeting to follow that was aimed at humiliating another young college-age girl for wanting to marry the pastor’s son.

I believe that if Pastor Ray, even following the mass exodus, had been honest instead of showing off the pitiful wounds in a purposefully hushed silence around the truth, maybe those families- mine included- would have never endured such calloused disdain. Perhaps countless spiritual lives would not have been destroyed long-term. Maybe marriages would not have been shaken close to their breaking point! I believe that if Andrew Ray, and his wife Lula, had owned up to their questionable actions sooner- if at all!- there may never have been such an extensive domino effect at Antioch Baptist Church in 2017 and in the many months to come. Unfortunately, heaps of skeletons lay tucked away in a closet without question. Let us open the doors and finally give some of them a chance to speak.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Skeleton #1: Manipulating the Broken” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 17, 2018)

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes


Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s August 2020 Voicemail

On Monday, August 31, 2020, Douglas Stauffer contacted my husband for the first time since December 2018. Stauffer’s first phone call did not work out, but he called back and left a voicemail (transcribed below), revealing yet another example of what we feel is attempting to manipulate and control our family through fear. Interestingly enough, since sharing his voicemail online shortly after receiving it, Douglas Stauffer and Andrew Ray never followed up as of February 2021:

“Hey Matt, this is Doug Stauffer. I’m calling you at a time when I was sure that your voicemail would pick up, not to blindside you at work, but I don’t think that happened. But now I’m leaving a voicemail. In early July, Brother Ray brought to my attention your wife’s stalking of the two of us. He found out about our attacks while traveling. We remained completely silent, and instead prayed for you and your family. I even added them to our family- uh, to our church weekly prayer bulletin.

Now, we have some clear guidance from God on how to proceed, and our talking on the phone is the first of potentially six progressive steps. The second step will be an open letter that Brother Ray has written, he’ll send to you first. The third step is meeting together or posting the open letter on the internet. We are going to let you two determine the direction of things as they proceed and to what extent they evolve. By now, all of her blogs have been archived along with all of her Facebook attacks against us. We have not yet reported her to Facebook concerning her defamatory harassment and libelous postings, but that could happen soon, too.

I met with you and Crystal twice in 2018 on June 5th and September 2nd with witnesses present at both meetings. We all assured each other that everything was settled, and after the first meeting, until Crystal blindsided me with several unwarranted email attacks. Almost three months later on the meeting, in the second meeting, I against stated I hoped that we never had to discuss these matters again. You assured me that that was the case, and your wife agreed, stating that we could move forward, and I think we are all good. Those are Crystal’s exact words at the end of the meeting during my last interaction with the two of you.

What in the world has possessed your wife to get her to write such nasty, malicious, fictitious and defamatory things about us and the church? The way things seem to be heading, I’m afraid they could turn out to be even more psychologically damaging into your wife’s fragile psyche, hurtful to your marriage, potentially damaging to your precious family. We want to avoid all of this, and regardless of how things progress, it’s completely up to the two of you at this point.

This call is to start the process of attempting to head things off before things progress to the point of no return with outcomes quite unpredictable.

If I don’t hear from you in the next few days, I’ll tell Brother Ray to proceed with a rather lengthy letter. My number is ***-***-****. God bless you. I hope to hear from you very soon. Thanks. Bye.”

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: When Closet Skeletons Speak” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 17, 2018)

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes


Yet Another Private Message from Douglas Stauffer (December 2018)

Two days after Douglas Stauffer’s private message to my husband (Matthew Olds) about my Facebook post, “What Really Happened- Part Two,” Douglas Stauffer sent yet another message to Matt referencing an additional comment I had made on my post following his initial message!  Below are the details of Douglas Stauffer’s private message, as well as the actual comments on my original Facebook post.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Private Message from Douglas Stauffer to Matthew Olds on December 9, 2018

Douglas Stauffer (December 9, 2018 4 at 1:25pm): “Just received this in an email  Crystal Olds My favorite on this was that the man who harassed us to begin with just felt the need to “tattle” on me to my husband about this post as if my husband and I do not talk [laugh/cry emoticon] how childish can you get? He must think my husband is a low-life shovenist who rules with the iron fist of insecurity. But more on that another day maybe. 

Facebook Comments/Replies Referenced by Douglas Stauffer in Private Message (above):

Commenter A*: “There are some church leadership who are very insecure. They have to shout and demand that they are in authority because they lack true authority. There are people trying to build their own kingdoms and in doing so they will try to control and manipulate people. They may even convince some to run to them and tattle on others. These leaders also need to understand when one leaves a church that they are not longer permitted to attempt to discipline the person anymore.”

Crystal Olds (me): “Yep, I’d say you hit the nail on the head!”

Crystal Olds (me):  “My favorite on this was that the man who harassed us to begin with just felt the need to “tattle” on me to my husband about this post as if my husband and I do not talk [laugh/cry emoticon] how childish can you get? He must think my husband is a low-life shovenist who rules with the iron fist of insecurity. But more on that another day maybe.”

Commenter A*: “Crystal Olds that man is very insecure and is probably having fits over the responses to your post. He should not be in a position of leadership in a church. A man who bullies  and harasses another man’s wife because he is a church leader has huge problems.”

Commenter B*:I hate it when the attitude of the church is that wives not have an opinion or speak truth when necessary. Did this man think Matt just didn’t know? You are not a 5 year old and Matt is not your daddy.
No one need run tattling hoping some righteous man get their port misguided wifey in line.
Sit down and shut up and if you have a disagreement or adverse feeling learn to deal with it because “God’s anointed” must be the one in the right…. that seems to be the attitude far too prevalent in many circles today.”

 

 

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s August 2020 Voicemail” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 17, 2018)

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes


Douglas Stauffer’s Private Message to Matthew Olds (December 2018)

The day after my third Facebook post that fall, “What Really Happened- Part Two,” Douglas Stauffer sent the following private message to Matthew Olds through Facebook, claiming that he was “saddened” when he had heard that we had left! According to Stauffer, his reasoning for the message was “since it seems that you [Matt] may not be privy to all this” and so that “you [Matt] can know how to better help Chrystal [me].” He proceeded to copy and paste my Facebook posts from October 2018 and November 2018, supposing incorrectly that Matt was not aware, just as he claimed back in June 2018. Even today, Matt and I both feel that Stauffer’s message (below) is telling of the facade that we believe he presented on regular basis.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Douglas Stauffer (December 7, 2018 4 at 9:05am): 

“12/7/18 THU 10:26 PM 

Matt: I received this last night and simply filed it away but after much prayer I want to forward it to you since it seems that you may not be privy to all this. This is the second post that I have received and plan on doing nothing about either one other than this time passing along a copy of both to you—not even passing a copy to the pastor. I am certainly not going to react to it because reacting was my mistake in the past and I try to learn from lessons taught. When I came back from travels, I heard ya’ll had left the church—I was saddened.

This post is indicative of what started the problem back in June; using Facebook to publicly air one’s grievances that could be perceived as attacking the pastor or the church, rather than going to the individual (highly unlikely at this juncture). I think you are a good man and want to do what is right and best for all (especially Chrystal and your children). Anyway, I do pray for you guys and wish nothing but the best and sure miss the smiles from your children that could brighten anyone’s day.

Do not feel compelled in anyway to respond. This message is simply informational and not meant to fix a problem that may remain broken and irreparable. I wish the latter not to be the case but do realize that Chrystal feels wronged, hurt and betrayed.
Additionally, this message is not sent to you to cause division in your family but so that you can know how to better help Chrystal. It is not even intended so that you can have her take down the post—that is irrelevant. If what she is doing is right than I am fully supportive. If it is not, I will simply leave that in God’s hands since I could have done better in handling her posts back in June.
Because of Calvary,

Doug

12/6/18
Wanna know why people don’t speak up about various forms of harassment? Still wonder why there’s a MeToo Movement? Let me show you…..

This was supposed to be a place of balance and a place of healing. I opened up the scars and the wounds in hopes of moving forward, and despite the many hours of tears, counsel and advice over the course of FIVE YEARS, I heard the words… I don’t know how to talk with you.
I sent an email about the harassment that occurred in June, but what happened? A message on forgiveness that night. He later said he was preaching to himself too. I’ve since learned the Bible says to recieve not an accusation against an elder except by two or three witnesses. Now I know why.
My husband was called downstairs into a meeting where the man told my husband that he thought this mess had fallen into my husband’s lap for him to help me with my past trauma. It was believed to all be transferance but I have the proof that tells otherwise. He then said that an email like this can destroy a man’s ministry and attempted to get my husband to agree to deleting it from his email as well. He said to my husband, “Let’s start ripping it up now” and proceeded to attempt to physically rip up the document. When that did not work-awkwardly, I might add- he sent my husband to the office to shred it. It was presented as the ONLY copy remaining, just a day after giving a copy to the man who harassed my family saying, “Brother Olds doesn’t know you have this.”

Two months later, the man who harassed my family to begin with approached us because he knew about the email (had a physical copy) and couldn’t rectify that I went over to say “Hello” And apologize for avoiding him, and wanted to meet because he was afraid of a #MeToo movement. He threatened (but said it was NOT a threat) that if the meeting didn’t go a certain way, he would step down, leave the church, and my accusations of harassment would go up before the church. When my husband asked the man we sent the email to about the harassment to be in the meeting, he said we were trying to destroy our church because I had asked a friend for advice in June. He also tried to control the number of witnesses and tell my husband who he could and could not ask for as witnesses. Oh yes, and he said that shredding the email wasn’t meant too be decietful.
Why speak up? Because these types of situations happen all of the time and people are told, “This could destroy his ministry.” Well, what about everyone else that is destroyed IN his scope of ministry? #BreaktheSilence

10/1/18 We’ve made it a year again despite the struggles of three young children, lip ties and sickness, and nursing in a time where breastfeeding is still developing as a norm! This is NOT against mothers who use formula (we had to for a while with our first because of ties), but breastfeeding is hard work and I’m thankful that we’ve made it a whole year by God’s grace! Joshua* had horrible a horrible lip tie and tongue tie at the beginning which made for a very exhausting, painful and discouraging first month.
After all of the junk we faced while nursing our second (Annabelle*- that’s a post for another day), I’m thankful that we only had one person actually approach us about nursing this time and it wasn’t until Joshua* was about eight months. The man [NOT my old pastor] said that as kneeling for the anthem is giving America the finger, I’m giving my church the finger every time I nurse. He continued to say that it’s an authority issue in our home, that it will be a hindrance to us being sent out as missionaries, and that my husband needs to “man up” and say “Woman, this is what you are going to do [go down to the mother’s room]. And yes, he knew that I struggled with depression and anxiety that was exacerbated by being secluded/isolated away in the mother’s room.

I’m thankful for my husband being the MAN that he is and standing up for me again as his wife and friend. He truly has been my rock through all of it. I don’t know where I’d be without him, but I don’t think we would have made it a year and still going strong.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Yet Another Message from Douglas Stauffer (December 2018)” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 17, 2018)

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes


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