Author: Through Grace

I was raised in a somewhat unhealthy church group within the Nondenominational Christian Church. After graduating high school, I began attending a United Pentecostal Church (UPC). I've been a member of four UPC churches and visited many others. Of the four of which I was a member, I was "encouraged" not to leave the first and then later sent to the second; attended the second where an usher repeatedly attempted to touch me and the pastor told me I should not care about the standards of the organization and was wrong to do so; ran to a third at that point, which threw me out after a couple years; and walked out of a fourth. For these transfers and because I refused to gossip about my former churches, some called me a "wandering star, a cloud without water" (Jude 1:12). I love the fact that when the blind man was healed, questioned by the Pharisees and temple rulers, and expelled from the temple, Jesus went and sought him out. He very rarely did this once someone was healed, but for this man, he did. I believe God has a special place in his heart for those who are abused, wrongfully accused, or condemned by religious leadership. I believe He loves those who are wronged by churchianity--yes, churchianity, not Christianity, because those who do these wrongs follow a church, not Christ. 1 John 4:7-8 7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

The narrow way

Trying to describe submission to someone tonight, I first thought to describe our submission to God, which isn’t asking God what our every move should be… and then I realized that’s EXACTLY what I was taught in the United Pentecostal Church that submission to God was. And submission to the pastor. So of course I would think that submission to a husband would also be that. However, what we were taught about submission to God is probably very wrong.

When I was maybe 7-8, a Sunday School teacher drew a line on the floor in chalk. She told us to walk the line. When a foot slipped from the line, she said “Oh! That’s the devil!” Every time a foot slipped off a chalk line. But in reality, God doesn’t have us walking a chalk line. The narrow way isn’t that narrow.

God doesn’t want puppets. He doesn’t want to direct our every move. His “will” isn’t about us praying whether we should take a certain job when we don’t have one at all, or about getting a certain feeling when we pray about whether we should buy a car or a house or take a vacation. His will is simpler than that — his will is that we live, and live fully. “That we might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

So how do we submit to God? Through faith and confidence and hope and trust. “In whom we live and move and have our being…” We live. We move. But in God… maybe in much broader parameters than we were taught. Submission is not about always doing what someone else wants, about asking what they want and then doing whatever they direct. One of the things that God wants is that WE live. That includes, I think, doing things that we enjoy and that we want to do (as long as those things don’t intentionally harm ourselves or others).

So how do we submit to God? By not deliberately doing things that we know are wrong, things that would make him sad. And if that’s how we submit to God, then it stands to reason that’s how we would submit to others as well, keeping in mind that in a healthy relationship, we don’t make someone “sad” because we don’t do everything they say, especially if what they direct hurts us or others. In healthy relationships we are not asked to do things that hurt us or others, nor does either person in the relationship deliberately hurt the other.

What I was taught about submission to God, parents, pastors, and others was very, very incorrect.

Decades — kicked out, walked out, simply out

I realized tonight that I’m reaching two anniversaries, not just one. In December 2009 I walked out of my former church. But what I don’t often think about is that in 1999 I was being “sat down” and nearing a time when I’d be kicked out. Around this time 20 years ago I was begging God to let me stay in a very unhealthy, spiritually abusive church, and around 10 years ago I was walking out of another.

A lot has changed in 20 years. I am no longer afraid of not attending church. I rarely go. I’m no longer afraid of pastors’ disapproval, of hell, or of what a church will think of me. The fear that if the pastor disapproves he can prevent me not only from attending HIS church but others like it no longer bothers me because… well, really, why would I choose to go to an abusive church “like his” or attend a church where the pastor even thinks it IS his church? More than that, I no longer – and haven’t for some time – cringed every year in January and February, wondering what would happen THIS year, remembering that one… the one in 1999, then one where I was convinced I was going to hell because the pastor was abusive.

At the same time, I also no longer celebrate like I did in 1999, 2000 and the years following. The first few years, I had multiple Christmas trees, lights, music, movies… I wore myself out with it and that was probably a good thing. I needed to make that time positive in my mind. This year, though, I haven’t even decorated yet. My job changed a couple years ago and November and early December can be exhausting, but I also don’t need something to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have a need to make the season positive, because it is, whether I have no trees or four. (I also have a very destructive cat, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of decorations.)

It was hard. Every year gets easier. I should have left 20 years ago. Actually I should have left more than 20 years ago, because the man who kicked me out did a lot of damage, and not just to me. Looking back on it all from ten years or twenty, here are some things I know:

Though I would have run back to the abusive church if I’d known then where I’d be now if I left, I’m so glad I did leave.
Things were a whole lot worse in the church I walked out of than I ever knew when I left it.
I’ve met a whole lot of people with love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, meekness, and self-control whom Christians would condemn. These have become friends. They aren’t perfect, but they are accepting and they are considerate and respectful of others, and that’s encouraging.
The best way to witness to non-Christians may really not be telling people “I’m a Christian” repeatedly… actually that may be one of the worst ways to witness… it may push people away rather than make them more interested. Particularly if the one saying they’re a Christian doesn’t particularly act like one.
A whole lot of what I was taught was wrong… isn’t. As a matter of fact, some of what I was taught was wrong is really simply normal.

Leaving was hard. Especially being kicked out. At least walking out I had anger to motivate me and I could prepare myself. At least I chose my moment and I rejected them, not vice-versa. At least I had some supports in place when I walked out. I was also older and more aware of some things. It didn’t make it easy. Leaving is always hard. But staying would have been impossible.

Happy anniversaries to myself.

Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 2

We have people occasionally ask us what to do if their child or loved one has started attending a church they believe is unhealthy or could even be a cult. The information they seek – literature, evidence, facts – that they can give their loved one isn’t often what will be most effective in helping their loved one. It can be very helpful for concerned family and friends to KNOW the facts and to read the literature themselves. And the person who is concerned about their friend or family member will see through the indoctrination and the misinterpreted verses, because they are looking for the error and are not blinded by the emotion, the excitement, the love bombing, and so forth. However, it must be understood that when the unhealthy group presents information to their loved one, they are often doing so very subtly. They don’t walk up to someone and invite them to church saying “You need to come to our church where you’ll be told how to dress and what to think.” And no matter what evidence is provided to them, they will be told not to be concerned, or that those questions can be addressed later, or will be given other information that sounds right.

My parents handed me literature and let me know they disagreed with my choices without any real dialogue and already showing they disliked what the United Pentecostal Church taught without having heard too much. The church sat down, read through their literature with me, and let me ask questions as a newbie. They maintained a facade of openness to considering other perspectives. They would tell me I could believe what I wanted, but they loved me and wanted me to be able to choose what to believe, that there were things in the Bible most people weren’t familiar with and they wanted me to be aware of those things so I could decide for myself. Who do you think I gravitated to? Who do you think I felt was more respectful and caring?

No matter how much concern and respect loved ones show to the one interested in an unhealthy group or cult, that person will either perceive one of two things: they will become convinced that their family are interested in joining, too, or they will believe their family or friends are trying to “pull them out” of something that they are interested in. They may have been told that people will come out of the woodwork to tell them they’re wrong, they may be teaching your loved one songs that appeal to a feeling of secret knowledge and pride, and may be showing and telling the loved one that they respect whatever his or her decisions are.

If you are a friend or family member or loved one of someone who has expressed interest in an unhealthy church or cult, remember, when you’re up against all of the above, it can be easy for unhealthy people in the new group to make you LOOK wrong in various ways, and to basically silence your voice. BUT remember they cannot argue against your unconditional love, your respect for him as an individual who can (and will) make his/her own decisions, or your willingness to listen and ask simple but good questions based on your studies. Articles won’t win him. But you have much better ways to fight this.

Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 1

We get questions sometimes as to what parents should do if their child has started attending a church they think is unhealthy. These parents mean well, but often their questions revolve around finding literature to prove their child is wrong or their child’s new church is wrong. They believe that by presenting their loved one with this information, they can stop them from attending or from joining. They think that giving them information will stop their child from doing what they disagree with. Unfortunately I have never heard of a single instance of this working.

If you are the parent or a family member or a friend of someone who has started attending an unhealthy church, consider this: At what point have you ever convinced anyone that you were right by handing them some articles or telling them what you think? Now, how many times have you read a friend’s posts on Facebook or heard them repeatedly vent on a topic that was sensitive to you that made you think “Oh, wow, they are absolutely right!” rather than thinking “How rude!?!” or simply walking away in frustration?

Presenting information, no mater how good, how qualified, how abundant, isn’t likely to change your child’s, your friend’s, or your loved one’s mind about the church they are considering or has started attending. That’s not to say there’s not hope, but sharing articles and other literature doesn’t do even the smallest fraction of what listening and inserting informed but semi-neutral questions in the right places will. This won’t be easy, but it is much more likely to either be well received immediately or at least leave communication open so that when they do start asking questions at some point, they can come to you.

Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 2

“You don’t go to the hospital looking for healthy people…”

I’ve heard it too often through the years. You don’t look for healthy people in a hospital, and so you shouldn’t look for perfect people at church. There are several issues with this. For starters, no one is going to church looking for perfect people. Good people, kind people, honest people, caring people, friendly people… but not perfect people. For seconds, the statement is far too often used as an excuse for why Christians are NOT good, kind, nice, honest, or caring.

However, the juxtaposition of hospital and church is illogical, too, because I don’t go to a hospital looking for healthy patients, but I do expect healthy, knowledgeable, caring doctors, nurses and staff. I don’t go to a hospital expecting to be brainwashed, abused, robbed, condemned, and thrown out for objecting when I am. I wouldn’t ever go to a hospital where I was told never to question my doctor, or that no matter what, I’d better not talk to or see any other doctor or any other doctor’s nurses or even another doctor’s patients without my doctor’s permission. And would never, ever go to a hospital where I was told that once I’d checked in I’d better grow where I was planted and never leave, and that if I did any of the above I’d die some extreme tortuous death forever. Because obviously if I left the hospital it would be because I was very sick. (Couldn’t be because I was getting better.)

As a matter of fact, when I go to a hospital, I do expect to find healthy people. I expect my decisions about my treatment to be respected whether anyone on staff agrees or not, even in matters of life or death. I expect to be treated no matter who I am, and to be treated just as any other patient would be treated. I don’t expect doctors or staff to play favorites. I expect to be able to get a second opinion. I expect my confidentiality to be maintained. I expect to be released when I want to be, even if the hospital disagrees that I should be. And I expect to be given the best care, no matter who I am, what my background is, no matter what my beliefs are, and no matter what my choices have been or are.

So, no, I don’t look for healthy PATIENTS at the hospital. However, the statement that I wouldn’t look for healthy PEOPLE at a hospital so I shouldn’t look for PERFECT people at church is incredibly flawed.