Healing

In the last few months I’ve been very triggered. I watched as someone I cared about was ostracized, gossiped and lied about. I watched as others participated in the gossip. I warned people, knowing doing so would likely not end well for me. I lost friends, felt judged… and relived a lot of past church trauma.

I made some different choices this time than I would have in the past. I did what I thought was right, and some of that may not have been what was best and some that I thought in the past would have been better to have done didn’t work, after all. There are just some situations that no matter what we do will not end well. I learned one thing: no matter what we do, we can’t usually stop some large entity intent on hurtling toward a bad end. At least that relieves me of some guilt or self-doubt from the past. And I’ve learned sometimes the only thing we can do is what we think will be best for ourselves – and that that’s not selfish, it’s just life.

Healing is an ongoing journey. It’s not linear. We take a step forward, sometimes three steps back. We move forward, then end up triggered by something and end up cycling back through everything all over again. Or – ugh – we end up in a situation that’s eerily similar to what hurt us to begin with, parallel on parallel, and we have to somehow navigate that AND all the memories and past hurts at the same time.

It’s OK to do that. And the fact that we can demonstrates that we really ARE healing, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

A year ago I had an experience that brought major healing to an old hurt. It was sudden and unexpected. In the process I learned I could play the piano again. I didn’t think I ever would. After the triggers though, my playing gradually stopped. I haven’t played for close to three months, and haven’t played joyfully or for long for maybe twice that time.

Today brought some closure. Several surprises, several opportunities to remember good things that have happened, past healing moments. And somehow through today, I know the music is back again. I haven’t played yet, but the sadness that blocked the music isn’t blocking anymore. Nothing major happened today. Just memories, just acceptance, just love. And it was enough. And that’s healing, too.

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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I stay or should I go? When we debate leaving anything, we wrestle with this. Leaving means loss. So does staying. And there are likely a few things to gain either way as well, at least from the perspective we have at the time.

I have recently faced this question in another situation, and I was a bit surprised at the similarities there were to leaving the church I left 14 years ago. There are a few people who want me to stay. And I want to stay if only to please them, because I like them and I realize if I leave we’ll grow more distant probably. I’ve been encouraged to stay to help others who stay. A few seem to think I’m showing I wasn’t dedicated or committed if I leave. Just like in the unhealthy church, most will never notice that I’m gone, and just like in the unhealthy church, a few will likely even say “good riddance!”

And if I leave I’ll miss people. I’ll miss what the organization/group could have been, what it seemed to be. BUT.. I’m not happy. The few who want me to stay could leave and most did think about leaving at one time. Instead, they chose to stay. Their choice doesn’t have to be my own. Also, as I consider the situation fully, I realize we weren’t that close. A good friend would encourage me to do what is best for me, not attempt to persuade me to stay in a situation they, too, considered leaving.

Leaving doesn’t mean I’m not dedicated or committed. It may mean I’m wise, or it may mean I’m committed in a different way. It could even mean that I’m committed to myself – and there is NOTHING wrong with that. As for the rest… what others think is not my concern. They should do what’s best for them, but I must also do what is best for me and what I believe is right. Though I’m not sure what’s right, I know staying isn’t right for me.

The situation I’m in isn’t healthy for me. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve shed tears. And I’ve done what I can to repair the situation and bring care and community. Nothing has changed. Staying will do two things: it will continue to make me unhappy and stressed and it will potentially make others think they should stay or are alone in leaving, too. I’ve decided to make one final attempt and give myself two weeks to see the outcome of this attempt before making a decisive move to finalize my leave. In the meantime, I will act as though I’ve left already as much as possible.

This is an opportunity to adjust more than reconsider.

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Love Lessons

I never related very well to the parable of the prodigal. I heard people amazed that the father ran to meet the prodigal and that the prodigal was unworthy. Those things I got, but… so? My own parents were distant growing up in some ways. I’m not sure they would have run, but they’d have welcomed me, even if through slightly gritted teeth.

But… I’ve recently become acquainted with a couple who fosters kids. They’ve had their current fosters since before the pandemic, and their fosters will be adopted soon. And the man has been crying all week. Every time someone asks how he is, every time someone asks about the kids, he chokes up. They aren’t his kids. He’s know they were only there temporarily. That they’re being adopted is great for the kids, and he has said so, but still, this has been a really hard transition for him.

I’ve watched him with those kids. I’ve watched him live in the moment with them, and watched him choke up when the kids won’t see. It’s hard for him to see them go, hard knowing they will be moving away. There’ll be an emptiness in this couple’s lives when those kids are gone, and their own grief is as real as their love for the kids.

If he were the father in that parable I would understand why he was running – not just to welcome him back, but because he missed them and he loves them, no matter what they do, no matter where they are. If this man were the father, and he saw one of his fosters – not even his own kids – coming toward him, he’d run, and no one who knows him would be surprised at that. Not at all. No matter what they’d done, no matter where they were, he’d run to them if they ever needed him, and he wouldn’t ever consider them “unworthy” (like I was taught from the story of the prodigal). He wouldn’t, and neither did the father in the story. They’d be the first to remind them of their worth, not because of what they’d done or not done, but simply because they are.

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Finding home

Two months ago I started attending a church… after around 5-6 years of swearing I was done, and after one infamously sarcastic Google search for what I thought was the impossible… a church that accepted even doubters and unbelievers.

For two months I’ve watched people in this church – leaders and laity – being authentic, accepting and loving. They’ve invited me to sit with them and welcomed me to their classes, groups, and discussions. They’ve never once pressured me for information about myself or pushed for any commitment from me. They’ve listened, they’ve shared, and they’ve loved.

When I first started going, I’d physically shake and my blood pressure would go hypertensive, which is very unusual for me. But I was actually IN a church building, and that was a terrifyingly dangerous place in my mind. And this was a different kind of church than I was used to (thank goodness!), and the unfamiliarity was also scary. But there was something incredible happening and I knew it, and I knew that this church was part of it.

I asked God at the time to please provide answers to some of my many questions without me having to ask. That prayer has been answered many times over, and is still being answered in amazing ways but I’m not afraid to ask questions now. This is a safe place to wonder, to question, to ask. Even to doubt or differ.

The last two months have brought healing to 22 years of deep wounds, and a restoration I didn’t dare dream of.

I’m so incredibly happy that I’m joining this church tomorrow. No, membership there changes nothing. There’s no extra perk to joining, unless you count getting a name tag, and no one will expect anything more or less of me. Nothing changes because they will continue to do just what they’ve already done and be what they’ve already been. But it means a lot to me, and it’s my opportunity to say, “me, too.”

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Buyer Beware: When God Becomes the Sales Tactic

It seems it happens nearly every time I need work contracted on my house. At least one estimate, generally from a contractor I like, comes back with a fish symbol or a “God bless!” or a bunch of praying hand emoticons.

There’s nothing wrong with these… except this is a business, and the businesses I worked with in the past who used God as a sales tactic… generally were closer to being in league with the devil. Seriously, those businesses that tended to advertise as “Christian owned and operated” or otherwise indicated their faith as part of their business model lied, cheated, took advantage, and sometimes left me with more problems than I started with.

The worst was the HVAC man. He was a guy in my former church. A preacher, one of those in the ‘inner circle,’ one of those people whom the pastor bragged about and told others to respect. Good guy? Well, I was told he was. “Keep business in the church.” “Use him, he’ll give you a deal because you’re a sister.” I asked him to install a new AC unit for me. He ordered it, had me pay, and put it in my basement. He did NOT hook it up, though he’d promised to. A year later when I was trying to sell my house… it was STILL IN THE BASEMENT. The pastor finally did intervene, but it was a very stressful situation for me and even then, the man tried to shame me for wanting it installed. AFTER A YEAR. No one else would even touch the install, because they hadn’t ordered it… and apparently because it was nearly too old to meet the new rules for installing.

Another time, tree trimmers came. Good church members, always so helpful. They cut the tree down for me, but when I told them that yes, they could leave some of the trunk for a table and could leave some firewood for my fire pit, they left the ENTIRE trunk, in one piece, in the middle of the yard. I called and asked about it and they said I’d asked them to leave it, and what did I want them to do, now that it was there? It was too large to handle once it was laying on the ground, because it was huge. Well, a trunk 12+ feet long and over four feet in diameter at the base is too big for firewood OR a table, too!

There were other situations like this, from people within my former church… and unfortunately people from other churches too. Today it was a concrete contractor. The estimate came in with “God bless!” and immediately I had a gut feeling. I started digging in and researching more, and searching for some references that he did NOT solicit. Unfortunately, they were all one-star-never-again bad. And unfortunately it began to be apparent that most of the good reviews were associated with a single church and a single job, done for the cost of materials only, for one local church. It’s hard not to leave a good review for one job done at cost, with free labor. You’d almost think it was an advertising ploy.

Over time I’ve learned, leaving a card with “A Christian owned business” emblazoned as the byline, or a flyer or website with a fish symbol or cross on it, or email or text communications ending in “God bless,” or worse, with little Christianese emoticons (emoticons are not professional communication – double warning sign!) on them, is a reason to beware. Those have been the businesses in my experience that were least likely to treat people right. It’s almost like they expect those things to sell their business… and get those who solicit their business to back them even when they’re bad. They remind me of abusive pastors in that way.

Churches aren’t the only ones who spiritually abuse or take advantage of people ‘in Jesus’ name.’ Too bad God doesn’t sue people for slander, using his name in vain like that.

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