Gary Chapman- The Five Love Languages

I’ve been thinking about this book quite a bit lately, especially since reading part of The Five Love Languages of God.

My primary love language is words of affirmation. In high school I started focusing on good things teachers said about me. I’d learned well that if I was good enough at something, people would say good things, so I did my best to excel, and often did. I also began to focus on God more and imagine Him saying good things about me, too. I also listened to a lot of songs and Christian TV programs that were positive and encouraging and said good things.

When I went to college, I started going to a United Pentecostal Church where the pastor often said encouraging things. His whole sermons were often wrapped in “You can make it” and “God loves you.” I ate that up. But there was less and less of those kind words over time. A compliment was a very rare thing for me in my former church, though negative words were common. More than that, the Bible was used so negatively that reading it became difficult.

According to the books by Chapman, people who are disciplined or rejected in their primary love language feel it more severely. That’s why telling one child “go to your room” brings them to tears, while another cries when you tell them you’re disappointed in them.

Abuse- especially in the primary love language- seems to deplete a person’s “love tank” very quickly. And even the average person needs at least two positive words for every negative one. (See this article.) (I personally think for many people it’s closer to five to one.)

Church abuses speak to people’s love languages in a very negative way. When a person whose primary language is quality time is shunned continually, they feel rejected. Because the rejection is from the church- especially if they view the church in terms of “man of God,” “people of God,” “church family” and so forth, they begin to feel rejected by God Himself. And then the abusive church may point fingers and tell them that proves they aren’t right. They try to “get right” and, not knowing why they are being rejected but still experiencing that pain, feel they can never please God.

The same is true for words of affirmation. My former pastor would often say what, to me, were very harsh things from the pulpit. Seeking comfort and understanding, I would go to him, hoping for an encouraging word. Instead I would be rebuked. People several times told me “You should hear what they’re saying about you!” and act like others’ slander shouldn’t affect me. Again, in these times if I went to the pastor, I would often be rebuked or told I was doing something wrong.

People whose language is acts of service must feel the harshness of a church that will not let them serve in any capacity (we had to have written permission from the pastor to clean a window or scrub a toilet) or in a church where everything is done for a handful of people and everyone else is expected to fend for themselves. Those who love to give surely feel unloved when no gifts, cards, or even hugs are shared. And in a church where people aren’t supposed to touch, and if they do- outside of a handshake- they are accused of lust (even woman to woman or man to man), those whose language is touch must feel they are in a very cold place indeed.

Chapman gives specific examples in the Bible of passages where God expresses His love for us through words of affirmation. (He does something similar for each language.) It’s been a long time since I’ve heard some of those verses. Many times something in a passage above or below was twisted to express God’s anger, hatred, wrath, and so forth. It’s amazing to me that someone reads these passages differently. I also see why the negative preaching and rebukes were taking such a toll.

Also, now finding myself in a church where people do love each other, I’m amazed at the different outlook. People who are treated in positive, respectful ways are more likely to be positive and respectful themselves.

It’s interesting that the Bible teaches so much on love, even saying God IS love, but love was seen as “soft” in my former church. In the past few months, watching healthy people interact in positive, loving ways, I’ve come to think maybe my former church missed it not in doctrine or in legalism, but first in love.

Loving people tends to bring out the best in them.

Jesus’ Name Baptism Oddity

You know, it’s kind of funny. My former church and others like it preached immersion and Jesus’ name so hard, but they often didn’t get the whole person under the water at once. Some didn’t go completely under at all! They didn’t say that those people ‘just got wet’ though, and they didn’t call for redo’s. Just those who weren’t baptized according to their formula.

Moving on, blessing and cursing

My job ends soon. I’ve known Pentecostals in my past who prayed I would lose a job and who rejoiced when I lost a job, because they believed the job wasn’t the will of God for me or thought God needed to get my attention on something. There are probably people thinking the same things now. People from my former church have called and bragged that now they can get jobs, that the pastor told them they could probably get jobs now, and so forth. There may be people in my former church who even think God is punishing me by taking my job away.

This job was never supposed to last past a certain time. It actually lasted about 15% longer than it should have. I have a new job already lined up. There are other opportunities that may also present themselves. I’m not disappointed that it’s ending. I’m relieved. I worked, and worked hard there, threw myself into it whenever I had the opportunity, learned a lot, and grew professionally. And left church to keep my integrity and honesty. My job was made more difficult by my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ who threatened and blackmailed me and by a boss who wouldn’t believe that I wasn’t like them.

Earlier this week I emailed a goodbye and thank you to some former coworkers. One who attended church with me asked about a rumor. I responded to her on some other things, but completely forgot to answer whether the rumor was true or not. She questioned me again about it, laughingly saying I avoided the question. No, I forgot it had been asked. It was hardly worth thinking about. A year and a half ago a rumor like that would have been nearly earth shattering.

Clearing out my emails today, I read again some of the messages my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ had sent me. The messages seem almost petty now. “Like u care, but i…” “u avoidn my ? i no u don like wat i say but it tru…” Childish, unprofessional, but no longer bothersome in the way they were when they were written. They are still troublesome for the memories they produce, and I still react to them, but I realize now if it hadn’t been for the threats of a bullying, abusive pastor their statements would have meant nothing.

I’m looking forward to my new job. I’ve gotten numerous compliments and thanks from work associates in the past few days. I’ve sifted through and cleared out emails that reminded me just how much I’ve learned and done in my time at the job that’s ending. Several people have recommended upcoming positions in their offices. And a few have mentioned that they wouldn’t hire me when I held the job that’s ending because they needed me as an associate, but that since it’s ending they would do their best to get me on their staff. Sound like God’s punishment that I’m losing my job? Not hardly. A huge blessing, perhaps, in many ways, but not a curse by any means.

It still hurts when one of them goes out of their way to make a snide comment, but not like it did. What hurts now is not what they think, but that they call themselves ‘Christian’ when they do it, and knowing that I shouldn’t repay in kind. And it’s knowing that they believe I did them wrong somehow, when if I’d been more like them I would have hurt them first so they couldn’t have gotten me… and that if I’d done that, I’d probably still have the job and the church they say I’m cursed for leaving. On the other hand, it’s encouraging to know that I did the right thing in spite of their threats, bullying, and backbiting, and that whether they want to believe it or not, I know that everything has worked out even better than I originally planned… and that many of the things they consider ‘curses’ are actually blessings–and better than anything I could have hoped for.

Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

Just a thought, but some have argued that God set Adam and Eve up to sin by putting that tree in the garden. Some have even argued that God is responsible for sin as result. But the devil sinned before the tree. Would Adam and Eve have sinned even without a tree, then? Satan did. That tree may have been grace in action- to sin by taking of that fruit, for God to have offered that possibility, perhaps offered a way to redemption… something Satan didn’t have. Personally I think just making us with a body and soul did that. But God didn’t make sin, didn’t make Adam and Eve sin, by putting that tree in the garden. There was already sin, evidenced in Lucifer’s fall.

Of course, still too there is the fact that from the beginning, God gave us freedom and choice. I just hadn’t considered that Satan had already fallen before. Just another facet of interest…

Calvary, Salvation and Us

I was taught that Jesus did his part on Calvary. Now it’s up to us. Up to us to do right, since baptism covers sin up to that point but we’ll still face judgment for any wrongs since baptism. Up to us to come to God, to ensure time with him, to be dedicated enough, to stay saved… that on the cross Jesus said ‘it is finished’ and so he had done all he could to save us. The rest was up to us. And yet we were told we couldn’t be good enough, couldn’t do it on our own.

I don’t know exactly what Jesus meant when he said it was finished, but I don’t believe he meant he was finished. Not with reaching out to us, drawing us, saving us. Not with helping us, walking with us, living through us.

We can’t live for him on our own. He knew that better than anyone. If everything past the cross is left to us, we won’t get very far. We were taught that salvation is a daily, hourly thing, but Christ was left out of the equation past Calvary. ‘It’s no longer I that live, but Christ living in me’ doesn’t sound like it’s ‘up to us’ or that all Jesus would do to save me was finished 2000 years ago. Perhaps the plan for salvation was finished, but not Jesus’ part in our salvation. That part is continual.

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