Continued from here.
When I left my former group, I needed a place to talk through things with people who would understand, and found three groups that seemed to. They were very different. One announced personal information about me, which scared me. The other two asked for personal information, but didn’t share it with their groups. Yet they had it, and I was afraid they could use it against me if they wanted. There were two other things that scared me, though. The first was that one group pressured me to change my beliefs about things that were fundamental to the doctrine of the group I left and another seemed to hold to those beliefs. The second was how harsh the groups all seemed toward either beliefs or people within my former group.
It’s scary to leave a group. To hear people saying things against that group when you’ve been taught never to say ANYTHING even remotely negative about the group can be frightening. To hear that group called a cult or heretics, to hear the standards discussed as false doctrine, and to even see people making decisions to not believe in God at all, blaming the group for their disbelief–those things can be terrifying.
In the end, I left two groups. The first I left because they were so very negative and hateful toward my former group. They weren’t simply upset with the people who had hurt them, but with everyone who wore the label “Pentecostal.” They stereotyped all Pentecostals as bad, as hypocritical and abusive among other things. The second repeatedly made extremely derisive comments toward those in their former groups in what I thought was an angry, bitter way. I tried to divert those comments to more positive thoughts, but it didn’t work. I discussed this and how it upset me with the group leader on a couple occasions… and was removed from the group after the last discussion. I wasn’t told I was being removed. I just suddenly didn’t have access anymore.
Each group actually helped me in it’s own way. At least one helped me learn what I did NOT want to become. Two encouraged me to think for myself, but one also reminded me very much of my unhealthy church in the end, because when I pressed for changes to control the more extreme negatives, I was removed. Even so, I still learned from it. One of the things I learned was that I was my own person and that I could and would stand for what I believed to be right, even if it went against leadership… and even if it meant being censured for it. In time, I learned that it was the right decision, even though it hurt at the time, just like leaving my former church did. And eight years later I’m still a part of the final group.
I see people come and go from groups now and it bothers me some. I wonder if I’ve said anything wrong or if there was something more I should have said. I’ve seen responses from others that ranged from sadness to what seemed to me to border on “good riddance” and reminded me very much of the response of the church I left. In reality, I don’t know what anyone’s intent is in their response. They could laugh because they’re sad or scared themselves. They could shrug it off because they are bothered when people leave or because they are reacting to another interaction with that person.
In all, the people in the groups I’m part of seem healthy and are willing to do so much to help others. There are times that discussions get negative, but not hatefully or bitterly so, and not in an attacking way for the most part. When I see a post that seems to be hateful, bitter, attacking, labeling or stereotyping, it’s quite often either not intended that way or is by someone who is just leaving or who simply needs to vent. And I’ve learned, in time, to be patient.
When I first left the unhealthy church, I went through a time where I didn’t want to leave and wanted to run every time a group seemed to oppose the unhealthy group. Then, I went through a time where I wanted to leave any group where anything “bad” might be said or done. Eventually, I learned that I could ignore some things, take a break for a few days, or even hide certain types of posts, either dealing with them once I felt ready or never. Mainly, I discovered that I had a choice, and that being part of a healthy group didn’t mean I had to agree completely with everyone in that group. I didn’t even have to agree at all. But more important, I learned that even if I didn’t agree, I could still love. I didn’t have to leave.
That has been well worth learning.
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I feel like this was written to me because I recently left a group. I disagreed with something and stated it and then I couldn’t shake the discomfort of feeling like it was no longer a safe place for me. I feel like I healed a lot there though.
♡
Should you ever wish to return, you are always more than welcome. You added much to the group. 🙂
I’ve had that feeling different times too, God-fearing Mom, particularly with face to face groups…hmmm, which reminds me I have another post to write. 🙂
Sometimes it really wasn’t safe. Other times it was, but I learned a lot from just being free to leave, and I was amazed when I discovered I wasn’t shunned for leaving but still had friends in groups I left and would even be welcomed back, or watched others welcomed back without fanfare or any negative backlash from having left like there would have been in my former church–such as finding there was no time of not being able to participate because I couldn’t be trusted and no preaching about how bad I was for leaving.
Just being able to set my own boundaries and make my own decisions as to whether or not to participate or retain membership in groups was helpful.
I’ve known people who didn’t seem to understand why I might need to do this. Maybe they didn’t share my experience of feeling I had to stay in an unhealthy church, had to support them or do things for them, keep participating in their activities, or had to remain silent and accept what I saw as harmful or frightening. It’s taken nearly 8 years to regain some of the balance of being able to say “no” and to leave when I want… and it still takes a whole lot of self-talk sometimes to do it.
If you just left a group and you experienced anything like what I did in an unhealthy church, you are very brave for doing what you thought was best for yourself. If you found healing there, this could even be part of that healing.
If you just left a group associated with Lois’s sites (Christian Koinonia or Spiritual Abuse) know you’d be welcome back if you ever choose to return, and find healing in your choice, whatever it may be. <3
LOL OK, maybe I have two more blog posts to write… this one kind of just happened in a comment. Sorry for the length!! 🙂 Mary
Groups of any kind, whether they be churches, online, clubs or anything else are just people brought together for a reason. This does not make them carbon copies of each member. They are still very much individuals and that will show in their conversation and participation. I have also left groups. Some because the language made me extremely uncomfortable even though I had grown to love individual members. I left what I now consider a cult like church even though I love some of the members, the doctrine and practices I find extremely in error. A good leader will try to bring a group together over common interest and try to limit the extremes. I have found at least one excellent spiritual group in Christian Koinonia led by Lois Gibson.
Funny how I still feel part of this group even though it’s been years since last posting. I appreciate Lois so very much. I see that “dividing his word” is a blogger here as well. I am thankful for his work on YouTube.