One thing that’s common in leaving groups like my former one is that, in leaving, people have to rebuild everything they believe. They have to sort through what the group taught, what they agree with and what they don’t, what others teach and what they can accept as safe and true… it’s a lot to process, and many of us want to process it all fairly quickly. It leaves us in a state of not knowing what we believe… We disagree with the unhealthy group on a few points (ie that if we don’t attend their church we’re going to hell) but don’t know what we do believe on other points (certain staunch beliefs on things like baptism, worship styles, and communion were very much ingrained in me at my former church and were difficult to study out and accept others’ beliefs on).
Thankfully, there have been people I could safely pose questions to. “OK, my former church taught _____. Why do you teach _______?” has been a common theme. Another has been, “That word/phrase doesn’t mean to me what it does to you. Please explain what you mean without that term.” When I don’t have answers to these questions, I start getting depressed sometimes. I don’t want to pray and don’t want to go to church. I want to run far away from all of it. When someone takes the time to explain what they mean, and then change their wording slightly, the fear lessens dramatically. When I’m allowed the time to work through things and come to my own conclusions, when those conclusions are accepted, I am relieved. In those times I grow.
I’m guessing sometimes we know what we believe, but we haven’t realized it yet because we still see how much we have to sort out, how far we want to go, rather than how far we’ve come. And sometimes we just need a little definition and space to see things in a different way and to gain a healthier understanding.
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I went through this back in the mid-to-late ’80s. I didn’t really have a framework on which to build. But I did have the good fortune to be in the same city as Christ Church (formerly Christ Church Pentecostal) in Nashville, TN. That church was formerly a UPC church and the pastoral staff at the time were all former UPC ministers and often 2nd generation UPC ministers and leaders – and by that I mean some of their families were officials in Hazelwood.
Rev. Dan Scott (assistant pastor at the time and now lead pastor) was leading a small class on C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” so I attended. After some of the meetings we would chat and he was able to give me some changes in perspective that really unlocked some bitterness on my part. It really helped restore my relationship with my parents (my father was a UPC pastor until his death and my mother still attends that church).
Even now, 30 years later, I find myself running across some of those old “reactions” to things. But a couple of years ago my then pastor taught some in-depth lessons on grace and it was truly, truly enlightening.
I would remind you that you are a child of God. You may not have all of your thoughts sorted out or your new paradigm firmly in place. But know that, in the meantime, you’re still covered by the grace of God and He loves you just as you are. Your relationship with Him will continue to grow and all under the blood of Jesus.
I would suggest that, rather than thinking in terms of “how much we have to sort out, how far we want to go, or how far we’ve come,” we just learn to be present in the now. Start with just being thankful that we are saved by grace and washed in the blood of the lamb. We are children of God. Rejoice in that! It’s kind of a big deal! It’s always good to know your own heart and to continue to be open to the leading of the Lord, but don’t let the journey get you down.
Oh, I would add that the ironic part is that in January of this year my wife and I started attending a local church and in my conversation with the pastor I discovered that he was saved while attending a PAW church. Despite my having intentionally stayed away from any reminders of my UPC days, I find myself in a congregation with similar worship styles and a similar theological background. But those things don’t trigger me like they once did.
To repurpose a phrase from a different movement, “It gets better!”
Thank you for taking the time to share a little of your story and progress and to encourage the author and others. It is appreciated!