Continued from Part Two.
As you might imagine I was quite upset with having to wait the whole weekend for some closure. That night I went to bed anxious. I prayed, and did some more self examination. I told my husband for some help thinking and coping. We kind of came to the conclusion that it might have just been my mind playing tricks on me. I tried so hard to see myself as the one at fault because I didn’t want my husband to get overly upset in case I was wrong. I also was conscious of the possibility that this was all just a very strange spiritual attack to cause me to accuse a pastor.
Monday morning came and the counselor’s voice sounded especially comforting and gentle. She told me some of the emails had been forwarded to her for her examination. She asked me a couple questions for clarity and I clarified for her. She then asked me my perspective on the matter. She ultimately wanted to know if I was accusing him of anything. I told her all the reasons why I didn’t feel comfortable accusing him. She was relieved. But I still went back to the issue about my worry about him. Then she told me the the volume of emails made me look like the one who has the problem. I was baffled. We ended the call with her praying for me and then she assured me that she wanted me to stay at church there. And that she loved me.
It almost felt like she was mothering me which felt nice but at the same time I was still in a bit of a fog because she had considered the amount of emails as evidence that I was some sort of initiator of the whole problem. It’s like she wasn’t seeing what was in those emails.
This kept me quiet for awhile just contemplating. Meanwhile, in light of everything, I didn’t see much change in the assistant pastor’s behavior towards me. It’s almost like he still wanted to befriend me. He would keep popping up very frequently and always smiling. I almost felt like his smile was mischievous. One time I saw one of the sisters in front of me looking at him with a shocked expression. He was behind me. I suspect she saw him leering at me. I also felt hair stick up from the back of my neck. I didn’t want to ask her why she had that look on her face. I figured she wouldn’t tell me. I wished she would let somebody know though. I was very aware I had that dreaded label stamped on me. I wanted vindication. But I also wanted it for him too. I hoped to God he wasn’t a weirdo and I so wanted to check myself into mental health therapy.
The senior pastor had been absent a couple months because of a couple surgeries and recovering. But he eventually came back. It then became evident to me the counselor didn’t mention anything to the senior pastor for obvious reasons.
To be continued.
See Part One.