You are planning to leave your church and are contemplating writing something, or talking to, the pastor. In a healthy church, this would be easy…but in an unhealthy one, it is best to be cautious.
We are familiar with people being read their rights upon arrest and part of what is said is that “Anything you say can, and will, be used against you.” Unfortunately, though an unhealthy church doesn’t warn you of this, the same holds true with them.
For years I have cautioned people against giving details in any email or letter they may write to a pastor when they leave. If you include anything perceived to be negative, it will most likely be used against you. That would include sharing any thoughts on doctrine being erroneous, how the church is run, problems, and so on. The letter itself, or portions thereof, may be shared with members and it might be featured in a sermon. In an unhealthy church, your observations and complaints may be shared in an effort to paint you in a negative light and to keep members from having contact with you. This, in turn, causes others pause who are having similar thoughts, by getting a glimpse of how they may be treated.
If you write a letter of resignation, and I would encourage it (more in a future post), keep it brief and simple. Avoid sharing your reasons for leaving. If you can do it sincerely, consider thanking the pastor or church for something that helped you during your time there or share that you leave with some good memories. I would not mention where you will be attending church, if you have decided that. (Some pastors will call the church to warn them about you.) By keeping it short and nice, you will save yourself some heartache and won’t be giving the leadership any ammunition to use against you. Keep a copy for yourself.
The pastor may push to meet with you, but understand that the purpose may be to persuade you to remain and perhaps tell you where you have gone wrong or attempt to scare you. While you may not have shared the reason for your exit, sometimes one can give off unspoken signals in the weeks or days before leaving. These may be interpreted as you being backslid, rebellious, unteachable, and anything else negative.
You have no obligation to speak to the pastor. If you know the pastor to be abusive, I would advise against it. Consider having someone go with you as a witness if you do meet. Be aware that sometimes they will take the opposite approach and perhaps even sympathize and promise things will change. This has worked in causing some to remain, leaving them trying to reach the proverbial carrot on a stick that will never be within reach.
For anyone interested, below is my resignation letter, with the church name removed. Today I would probably write it differently, omitting the part about changing churches. It was also written before I learned about spiritual abuse. Though he called fellow United Pentecostal Church pastors to warn them about me, I never heard of him sharing this letter with members of the church.
Dear Bro. Taylor:
Recently I have made the decision to leave the ___ Church and attend another church. I have not yet made the decision on which church this will be, but I am attending church services.
This has not been an easy decision to make, nor was it done hastily. It is not being done to hurt anyone. I feel that this is a move I need to make regardless of what anyone may think or say, be it good or bad. I myself have always felt that it was wrong to change churches unless you were moving, getting married, etc., but now feel that there are times when one may move on for other reasons than these.
I want to say that I have learned much from the many years I was a member of the church and have grown spiritually. There are things which you have taught that will always stay with me. I will always remember and love you and Sister Taylor.
Though I am still praying about which church to attend, I felt I needed to let you know about my decision to leave. I wish you and Sister Taylor the best. May God lead and bless you.
Again, guard your own heart in how you leave and maintain your integrity. And remember- anything you say can, and will, be used against you…..
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #1: You and Those Who Remain
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #2: Anything You Say Can, And Will, Be Used Against You
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #3: Why It May Be Important To Resign Your Membership
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #4: Remaining in the Same Organization
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #5: Don’t Listen To The Gossip
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #6: How You Are Treated
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #7: It Happens To Ministers, Too
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #8: The Way Of The Transgressor Is Hard!
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #9: Some Must Return To Remember Why They Left
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #10: Sorting Through The Teachings
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #11: Confusion & Not Knowing Who or What to Believe
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #12: Can I Go To A Church Where I Don’t Agree With Everything?
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #13: A Warped View of God
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2 (Leaving Your Comfort Zone)
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3 (Triggers)
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #17: Looking For A New Church Part 4 (Manifestations/Demonstrations)
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #18: Looking For A New Church Part 5 (Church Attendance: A Matter of Life or Death?)
Even this letter, I feel, gives more details than necessary. The statement about thinking it is wrong to change churches for various reasons makes it sound like you are doubting your own decision.
Perhaps also starting with the thank you for the things learned at the beginning would lighten the blow of “I’m leaving your church” as well.
I chose not to contact anyone when I left my church, because I had been treated badly and felt I didn’t need to give a reason why. My previous church, when I had left due to moving, I was sad about it and of course told the pastor long before we left.
The whole idea of having to get a pastors “permission” to do something like attend a church or not, move or not, get married or not, is just so crazy to me. I know I was a part of churches who practiced this but I guess I was always the rebel who tried to live more independently. I just can’t imagine someone who is not my own family trying to control me in that way (and I’m not a “rebel” trying to live a “worldly” life, just making my own decisions and reasoning things for myself). I also don’t see anywhere in scripture where it compels a pastor to have that level of control over the congregants. That truly is ab-use, because that is not what the role of a pastor should be used for.
I do pray that others from my church see the things I saw and choose to leave on their own. For me, I have chosen to cut ties with them because I don’t want people to view me as a backslider and try to “pray me back” like a heathen. I am not attending a healthy and strong church that loves people where they are rather than judging them for what they are not.
As I shared, I would have left that section out about changing churches if I were to do it today. I wasn’t doubting anything when it was written, but rather knew they were aware of my belief on it.
As to the control of a pastor, I agree.
Thank you for writing this blog. I found it after contemplating going back. I’ve already left and gone back once. And, as you said in another article, “worse” things happened. My heart is just broken over it. But God has used it as He always does. Thanks again.
I am glad you found the articles to be helpful.
Thank you, this article was just what I was looking for! I have known that I need to leave my current church of five years for about 5 months now, but my husband was not completely on board. Our church is definitely abusive with extreme requirements on the members, a narcissistic leadership, threats of tragedy in people’s lives if they leave the pastor’s spiritual covering, members forbidden to even visit other churches or attend other Christian events elsewhere, the pastor as spiritual father having the power to bless or curse forever a member’s life, etc. Right now my husband sees all the wrongdoings but remains very passive. We are also among the volunteer leaders ( he is in charge of one department and I am in charge of the finances/treasurer) which makes it even harder to just leave without sitting down with the pastor. We know firsthand how he deals with people leaving: he gets extremely angry and ballistic, and preaches about those people in sermons. Your article confirms to me what I believe: that the less you say the better. Thank you for your courage.
I would urge you to resign and leave via a letter, giving no reasons as to why. Meeting with the pastor will only cause more grief and trouble.